Decoding Guy Insults: A Jerk by Any Other Name…

While I can be a very vocal person about my opinions, I try very hard never to resort to blatant name calling. However, there comes a time when being polite just doesn’t get the point across. Saying “fudge” doesn’t adequately carry my feelings across! A girl like me can only use a pejorative to fully express herself. While this type of vitriol is usually reserved only for the truly deserving – I always try to make sure I at least know what I speak of.

That being said, I’ve found myself drawn inexplicably to the very unladylike terms of “douche” and “tool.” Don’t ask me why. But the other day, I was cut off in traffic and I let loose both words. I figured that they were interchangeable. Not so, I learned this weekend. Apparently, while women have one, all encompassing word to describe other women (“witch” with a capital “B”) – guys have at least these two.

Now I can see a lot of you are probably scratching your heads. Why on earth would you want to know about this Lily? And perhaps some of you are disgusted by my attempt to learn. But you know what? Women always complain that they just don’t understand guys. And all my single friends seemingly end up with a “tool” or a “douche,” so you might as well save yourself some time and learn to spot it.

Besides…this is utterly fascinating to me. Go to some frilly girl blog if you don’t like tonight’s topic!

Apparently, there is a time and a place to use one over the other. But, I had to go looking and researching on my own. When I went to look it up on Urban Dictionary before dinner…the website was down. So I did the next best thing – I asked the guys in my life.

Over dinner this evening, I asked Lenny and two of our closest guy friends – Richie and Grant. I asked what the difference was.

“A tool is a guy who blindly follows,” said Grant. “Basically he does what he’s told whether out of habit or is being forced to.” Now see, to me, the term fell to a guy who knowingly knew he was a big jerk. But he still acted like a jerk anyway. Apparently this isn’t so. According to Richie, most of the time a tool is unknowingly being used. Whether it is unknowing or not – the biggest sin in this seems to be that they’re a WILLING party to being used. And before anyone gets their panties in a knot – it’s not always necessarily a woman who uses them. I pointed out it could be a boss, a parent, or even another friend. In terms you girls would understand: You know Heidi Montag, from MTV’s The Hills? She’s Spencer Pratt’s tool. No amount of editing on that show can hide that!

A douche on the other hand…much easier to recognize. In the simplest terms Richie stated, “That’s the guy who walks into a room with a pink polo on and thinks he’s the shit.” In the case of this term, the man’s self-importance overrides everything. The world revolves around this guy, but he seems to be the only one who believes it. Continued Richie, “Nobody wants to be that guy.” Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Richie. Nobody wants to be EITHER of those guys. But it certainly cleared up a lot of things for me! And knowledge is a dangerous thing.

But I digress. In practical usage, let us again refer to the previous MTV Reality TV analogy. Heidi may be Spencer’s tool – but Spencer is the ultimate douche. Nobody I know, in their right mind, would want to be that narcissistic!

I can’t believe I’ve been getting it wrong all these years! Whenever Barry Bonds showed his face on TV, I’d been incorrectly jeering him (a fact that I will correct post haste!). When it comes down to it, the division of terms comes down to the amount of ego one has. If your cup runneth over, please walk into the Summer’s Eve line. If you don’t have enough testicular fortitude, queue up in the Wimp’s line to forfeit your set!

So, the next time your spouse or significant other blows up at you because you said something while he’s on the phone with a friend, call him out on his douche-like behavior. And then, when he complains about how you nag about his all the time or make him do things he hates – you can tell him to man-up, grow a pair, and stop being a tool! I bet the look on his face is priceless!

Fascinating, isn’t it? For most of my life, I had been of the assumption that men were simple creatures. Everything was black and white. But apparently, men think about these things just a deeply as women do. See? I guess we’re not as different as we thought.