Five Highly Alarming Things

Have you looked at the world around you and wonder, “Whiskey, tango, foxtrot! What the hell is wrong with this place?” Yeah, I knew you’d feel me. Here’s some stuff that are high on my list this week:

1. Rics Rubber Clogs – O.M. freaking G! These things are EVERYWHERE! And heaven help us, I think they’re ugly as sin.


(Photo courtesy of www.clogsonline.com)

They’re like rabbits, multiplying recklessly and without remorse! I see them at nice restaurants. They’re at my Starbuck’s. It’s walking the mall. To me, it’s a fashion nightmare. I mean…it’s a CLOG. And it’s made of RUBBER. Unless you are a professional gardener or work at a hospital, there is NO reason on this planet Earth why this would be a part of your daily shoe wear. It has “butch fundamental environmentalist” written all over them!

2. Ann Coulter – Okay, this is kind of a “retroactive” bitch item. This past June, the Queen of Conservatism argued with Matt Lauer on Today, that four particular 9/11 widows were milking their status as national symbols of bereavement. In her own words, Ms. Coulter says that she has ”…never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much.” So why am I bringing it up today? Because I actually picked up one of her books at the store recently and read a little bit of it. I’ve come to the conclusion that people like Coulter (and her left wing counterpart, Al Franken) are part of what’s wrong with politics today. It’s all just one big mudslinging gabfest. BORING. There are people dying, fighting, and living real lives while these pundits clamor for airtime. Shut-up already and DO something about it!

3. Bazooka Bubble Gum – So me and my co-workers have to put together a fun team building activity for Friday. Part of that means having to go out and purchase prizes and giveaways. Being on a strict budget, we decided to roll it Old School style and pick up some classic candy as a giveaway: Tootsie Pops and Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum. We got a little sweet tooth craving, so we broke into the gum. WHAT A FREAKING DISAPPOINTMENT! Gone is the classic red, white, and blue wax wrapping. Banished is the little comic wrapped around that tougher-than-rubber-when-you-first-chew-it pink piece of gum. In its place are new flavors (I won’t complain too much – the watermelon did rock) and a hybrid cartoon/wax wrapper. I want my Bazooka Joe back! The always thinking Sunny Treasures recommended I write and complain about the change. You know what? I think I will. And if you love your Bazooka classically dressed…you should too! Stop the modernification of your childhood!

4. Midriffs at work – Are you are a cocktail waitress at a Vegas casino? A physical trainer? A bikini model? No? Well, then MIDRIFFS at work are a big no-no! Keep the belly under wraps! And for Pete’s sake – only flaunt it if you got it! NO MORE MUFFIN TOPS!


(Photo courtesy of www.urbandictionary.com)

5. Alaskan Oil Field Shutdown – An indefinite closure of the Alaskan Pipeline cuts off about 8% of our nation’s oil production. Why? Someone let the pipes rust up. Of course this means that the stock market scrambled and everyone seems to falling short of widespread panic. This has brought out all the “experts” who tut-tut about the economy, the ultra-rabid environmentalists who want to go “Henny Penny” on us because not everyone has hybrid cars yet, and the insane gas station owners who will steadily raise the price of gas due to the “shortage” this is going to create. EVERYONE CALM DOWN…we’re not going to run out of gas today. Or tomorrow. When we get to the point where we seriously think about taking over a Middle East country for their oil fields…

Oh wait. Hm. Nevermind about that last point. Let’s just remember that calmer heads will prevail in the situation – but it might be a good idea to dust off the bicycle just in case!