Learning From the Red Meat Wobble

The Brazilian Barbecue is an interesting culinary experience. It brings a whole new meaning to the term “pleasures of the flesh.” For the uninitiated, the Brazilian barbecue dinner involves several portions of meat served at the table to your party. You are given a little wooden toy painted on one end in red and on the other end green.

Turn it so the green end sticks-up and here come the waiters with the meat. Flip it over to the red end of the stick. But instead of red meaning “stop,” it actually means “pause.” It goes on like this until you and those in your party have had your fill. Served with sides of rice, beans, spices to top the meats, and fried plantains (or bananas), you’ve got yourself a study in gluttony.

How can you not enjoy MEAT SERVED ON SWORDS? Yeah…your dinner served on weapons of mass carnage.

While it wasn’t my first time having this kind of meal – it was an exciting experience. But as I am apt to do, I analyzed my dinner later on as I sat down at home with the bittersweet feeling of being almost overstuffed. It’s odd that I would say I learned a few things from a huge dinner like that. But, I did…so who am I to question life? Even a day after, I feel compelled to share. So if you find yourself with the opportunity to eat a Brazilian barbecue dinner…here are my survival tips:

Grilled pineapple rocks – Taste dictates that grilled vegetables are tasty. When one thinks of grilled fruit however, the first question is usually “How would you keep the strawberries from falling through the grates?” But trust me on this one, MGF faithful. Served as a bonus item on a sword, half of our party raised their eyebrow at warm pineapple. But I took it. Why not? It’s part of the meal and I needed to cleanse my palate before the next round of meat! After cutting into the fruit and tasting it…I now need to figure out how to grill pineapple on my Foreman. There was something comforting about the warmed fruit with a slightly crispy texture. Unexpected and completely delicious.

There’s no shame in saying no to Portions 8 thru 12 - Lenny and Sunny Treasure’s husband kept us pretty straight on what portions we were sitting on. But let me tell you – everything started blending together by about Meat-on-a-Sword #7 (Prime rib!). After partaking in a serving of sausage, turkey, chicken, two kinds of beef, and pork loin, I felt the onset of the red meat wobble. Ever have that? It’s the lethargy that starts to creep up after you’ve ingested a fair amount of grain fed farm animal. Handled incorrectly, you can find yourself on the floor. Realizing that continuing with the flesh festival would end in no good, I passed on the rest of the dishes, much to the chagrin of Lenny and my friends. And while I missed out on the lamb, two more types of beef, and another type of pork – I didn’t let my ego get beat up over not joining the would be Takeru Kobayashies at the table. I was happy to stay upright to enjoy the rest of the meal. And to quote good old Arnie, “I’ll be back.”

Anything…AND I MEAN ANYTHING…tastes better in bacon – Oh bacon…sweet sweet bacon. My brother-in-law and I have a theory. Bacon makes everything immediately better! Meat, cheese, paper…whatever. In this case, cuts of turkey were wrapped in the good stuff. I am ready to lobby for bacon to be a part of our Thanksgiving bird routine. The restaurant also did one better – they wrapped bacon around filet mignon. Can you beat that? The best cut of meat from a cow made EVEN BETTER by bacon. Being a carnivore never felt so good!

Keep talking during dinner; you won’t notice you’re stuffed – As each person around the table started to feel their stomach capacity being tested, I figured out the best way to keep going is to stop eating. I know…hard to do at a restaurant especially when they keep coming around with the swords full of stuff! We turned over the wooden toy to pause after Meat-on-a-Sword #8 (Lamb – I think) and took a break. It was then the 10 of us engaged in some conversation regarding police work and the differences between transvestites, transsexuals, and transgender that ended with a K9 unit story about finding a special rubber “toy” while inspecting a car. After that and a hearty laugh – we were all ready to continue with the consumption of mass quantities.

Forget the guilt, have the damn tiramisu – Now, having skipped a quarter of the meats and managing to hold my fried banana serving to two pieces, I thought I was going to throw in the towel as we laid the wooden toy on it’s side signaling we had had enough. But then, those diabolical Brazilians, brought over the DESSERT TRUCK. Not a CART…but a three tiered contraption that held the tastiest looking food of all time. And while all of us started off by saying, “I can’t eat anymore…” most of us ended up ordering and sharing a treat! And why not? We had survived the battle! We conquered meat on swords and we could still make it out to our cars on our own two feet! We had lots to celebrate…calories be damned! Besides, we’d eaten more protein in one sitting than most of us would have had in a month. Dessert was nothing to feel guilty over!

We came. We ate. We loosened our belts. And we’re planning on doing it again in six month’s time much wiser and with an emptier stomach!