Ready…Set…Hold that Grudge!

So, when is it okay to hold a grudge for a long time?

I’ve been wrestling with this question for the last few weeks pertaining to a family issue. Over the summer, there was a bit of a rift in my family. While things back home seem to have blown over – I’m finding it very hard to make amends where I sit.

It’s a little frustrating because I’ve always tried to forgive and forget. But for whatever reason this time, I can’t bring myself to let go of the issue. In between work, life, and all the other fun stuff a human has to muddle through – I’ve been trying to convince myself that I need to take the forgiveness route. And it’s just not happening.

Does this make me a bad person?

Maybe it’s the fact that I have always been able to forgive. Whenever a situation like this came up before, I just assumed I’d be able to handle anything. Perhaps the old cliché is true. There is a straw that breaks the camel’s back.

As a human, I’m beginning to think that forgiveness is a learned trait, rather than an instinct. It’s just so damn hard! When conflict occurs, there is not a black and white situation…just a hell of a lot of gray. As emotional creatures, we carry words and actions to heart. Resilient though man may be, it’s very difficult to let go of that kind of emotional assault.

In the last few weeks, I find myself dwelling on the situation and what exactly brought me to this point. Unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that there is a lot of ego involved, and that just makes forgiving a lot harder. As I pondered my predicament, more and more reasons of past hurt and disappointment kept coming up. Making it doubly hard to get past this is the fact that I’m dealing with family members. It’s a little infuriating for someone who believes in the “live and let live” process to find out they’re not as above the fray as they’d like to be.

I guess the human ego is just that huge and self-centered. We are the center of our own universes. Someone has to be “right” and someone has to be “wrong.” In every argument there has to be a winner and a loser, and everyone wants to be a winner. For most adults, we are also too blind to see that our actions and needs sometimes harm the people/relationships around us. We assume that everyone can just deal with our personalities and if they can’t – tough cookies.

And that’s why grudges are so easy to hold. It’s easier to cling to something and claim to be wounded.

In any case, I feel like I’ve run this race too many times and I’ve let myself be “the loser” in this argument far too often. Custom and culture and upbringing dictate that I have to make the first move and suffer the consequences. But, I just don’t feel like that’s fair. Being an adult means that one has to live with the decisions you make and accept responsibility for your actions right or wrong.

In order for me to feel like things can be forgiven, I just want a fair shake. But I know that it won’t happen anytime soon.

So, I guess I get to ponder this grudge a little longer.