A Dish With Onions Revisited

I’d been saying I was going to do it for weeks. And just to make sure that I would actually try it, I went around telling enough people to commit myself to it. And why not? I’d never tried it before and I felt that my birthday was the time to stretch my legs a bit. My friends and co-workers were happy to hear it. Of course they would…they did it all the time! Lenny, on the other hand, was quite the skeptic.

“What is your obsession with getting drunk on your birthday?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I don’t want to get plastered. I just want to push that whole 2-3 drink limit I force on myself.” He looked at me skeptically. “Look, I don’t want to drink until I puke, I just want to see what it’s like!”

And that’s all it really was. I was curious. I, Lily White, had never been remotely CLOSE to being drunk in my entire life. I’ve been buzzed a few times, but it was fleeting. I can count the total number of drinks I have annually on one hand. As stated in a previous post, I am the Mild Child. I didn’t sneak alcohol when I was a teenager and I did it only very occasionally (read: ONCE…maybe twice) when I was in college. Drinking (or any vice for that matter) just never really appealed to me.

As my birthday came nearer, I began to wonder. Why hadn’t I tried it? I don’t think it was so much that I was afraid of what was going to happen (because frankly, I had nothing to compare it to). It was the fact that I hadn’t even attempted it. So, in the spirit of “Try Everything,” I set out to push my drinking limit on my birthday.

I was smart about it. I had chosen a bar close to work and home for Happy Hour yesterday. I let all my co-workers who were going understand what I was attempting. Of course, they were up for the challenge. Lenny was meeting us there and was my DD. Worst case scenario, we’d stagger home the block back to the house. I ate a hearty lunch and I had a few snacks between meetings.

I know, I know…I am THAT anal retentive.

I started off with a Malibu and pineapple juice (my signature drink) a little bit after 4:30 in the afternoon. I then WON my second one about 30 minutes later when a co-worker bet me about what my boss would be ordering to drink (He said Corona, I said Bud Light). I also started on a plate of hot wings. About 20 minutes after that, I had a Southern Comfort and cranberry juice that another friend bought me. By this time, I was floating a bit. I told my boss I needed something in my stomach…so we started on some onion rings too. Add to that another two M & P's. I closed out the two hour period with something called an Electric Smurf…which was really tasty.

I started to notice some things as each drink was completed. I am normally a chatty person; however I could hear myself raise my voice a pitch higher. And the speed at which I was speaking was definitely faster than normal. I thought the chair was wobbly; however I realized that it was actually me swaying from side to side involuntarily thanks to the music.

Lenny had cruised onto the scene on my third drink and smirked at me (Later, he said that he knew I was already far gone). Everyone started to leave for the evening and so I told Lenny that I thought we should eat dinner…pronto. We decided on Italian and I hopped off the barstool.

That was a mistake! I felt the ground move under me. After a few seconds, I knew. I knew from my head to my feet, “I am drunk. I’m not plowed. But I am definitely drunk.” My head started to swim with the oddest feeling. I was really laboring to get into the car with Lenny. I sat down and my head began to spin. Lenny had to go back inside and retrieve something we had forgotten at the table. In the few moments I had alone, I had a moment of clarity.

I was not made for boozing.

Constantly, people tell me that they have more fun when their drinking. I hated it! I’m all for a couple drinks so you can relax, but getting to the point where I was last night? I’ll pass the next time. Go ahead, you can make fun of me and call me a lightweight (Because frankly, I think I am), but I think I’m more fun sober.

After the Electric Smurf, I wasn’t participating in conversation. I couldn’t follow some of it either! My usual habit of throwing down some sharp wit was diminished. I laughed a lot, but I felt like I was laughing at nothing. After drinking up, I didn’t feel like me at all. And it kind of sucked.

“The Great Lily Drinking Experiment” is over. Once again, I’ve proven to myself that I am the Mild Child. But dammit, that’s just fine by me! I’m going back to my meager drinking totals during social events. I know there are a few people out there chuckling at me right now, but I really don’t care. I can say I’ve done it and I didn’t much like it. I personally don’t need more than a couple drinks to have fun.

I prefer to dance on tables sober, thank you very much.