I Love You! Now Go Away!

When I was younger, I absolutely LOVED teen TV drama. There was just something about all the angst, the tension, the incredibly BAD acting. You couldn’t turn away from it no matter what. I remember scheduling my days so I could catch “Beverly Hills: 90210” and even the Canadian PBS import “DeGrassi High.” They were addicting. Like a train wreck waiting to happen.

My favorite plots involved the “cool couple” of the season. You know the type. They’re the high profile couple that is destined to be together. Even though they were merely high school students, they apparently had a love that just wouldn’t die. At least it wouldn’t die until the end of the season when they couldn’t overcome some huge obstacle to their relationship. My parents used to give me flack for “watching that junk.” But I learned some very important lessons. I even learned the lesson that has probably strengthened my marriage. It was the one lesson that escaped the Brendas and the Dylans that dotted the television landscape.

That lesson is this: Couples that hang out together too much, break up much faster and more spectacularly.

This is especially true when you get married. Think about it. With two simple words, you are now the next of kin to someone who has lived a different life, had different experiences, and developed different habits from you. Don’t let anyone lie to you. That’s a very hard transition to make. You may love this person with all your heart, but they have the potential to drive you insane.

There are adjustments to make. Compromises to be had. Patience to lose. Habits to modulate. And as the divorce rate shows us, it doesn’t always turn out happily ever after. Self anointed self-help gurus would like for you to believe that it’s because couples are poor communicators or they choose to cohabitate before getting married. I just don’t think it’s that complicated. Sure all those things could be factors, but you’d fight too if you were locked in a room with a couple of rampaging badgers (which is in essence what married couples are when they move into their first place together).

Armed with the knowledge provided by several seasons of melodrama under my belt, I moved in with Lenny when I came to the southwest at the age of 20. The first few years were relatively easy. Lenny was gone every other weekend competing for his college Speech and Debate team. That left me a lot of alone time. But then, he graduated from college and got a teaching job. The first summer off from teaching, things started getting testy.

I’d come home from work and Lenny would be playing video games or be on the computer. Then, because I was gone all day, we’d spend all night together. When it was the weekend, we’d spend all day together as well. By July, I couldn’t wait to kick him out of the apartment! We’d fight about small stuff. Little things that didn’t matter before. And it irritated me that we were becoming the Bickersons.

We’re a pretty level headed couple. Well, relatively level headed. Arguing was a new ground for us. I couldn’t figure out why we were getting on each others nerves. It wasn’t until Lenny started going back to the classroom in August to prepare for the upcoming school year, that we realized what was going on. Once he got back into a schedule, domestic bliss reigned throughout the land.

So now, almost five years into our marriage (and over a decade into our relationship), Lenny and I agree that “alone time” is vital to our relationship. You just need a little disconnect and take some time for yourself. Just because you are married, doesn’t mean you have to completely give up your independence as a person.

Today, Lenny and I are on different schedules. He gets to bed earlier, I get to bed later. He’s up at six in the morning getting ready to teach another school day, I’m up an hour later to get ready for my eight to five shifts. I get home from the gym at about seven. Sometimes Lenny beats me home; sometimes it takes him a couple more hours to get there. We have dinner together and then, we go to our separate offices. He studies for his Master’s degree upstairs, I settle on the couch and talk to my friends and write. I’d estimate our average weekday together time is about ten hours.

I know what you’re thinking. Just ten hours? We spend more time with our co-workers than we spend with each other during the week. But it’s cool. When we get to the weekends, it just makes spending time together that much more fun. According to most people, when you get married…the fun stops. Lenny and I just never seemed to have that problem.

He still surprises me and we still love talking to each other. I look forward to our Saturday exploration of our neighborhood and city. And Sunday mornings just lounging and talking about every topic under the sun is still one of my favorite activities. But at the same time, I enjoy volunteering to do errands by myself just so I can go for a drive and listen to my music. Lenny’s free to run upstairs into his office to watch a different football game from the one I’m watching. We may need each other…but we don’t need to be around each other all the time.

I guess I can amend the previous lesson I stated at the top: The couple that can live independently with each other, remains in love with each other.