Reasons Why Dance Class Works Better than Couples Counseling

Twelve weeks ago, I saw an ad at my local YMCA on my way out after a workout. I read the whole ad twice and couldn’t believe my luck. For years I had been bugging Lenny about taking dance classes. His response was always the same: “Well honey, find us a class and I’ll do it.” Six or seven years later…I found one.

True to his word, Lenny gave me the green light to sign-up for the Beginners Social Dance. For nine Wednesdays, we would spend an hour learning how to dance formally to just about any kind of music: Cha-cha, Tango, Waltz, Foxtrot, Rumba…yep, we tried to do it all.

So, we had our last class on Wednesday. Two full hours of dancing! As we left the studio for our car, both Lenny and I reflected on how much fun we had during our class. And who could complain? We learned something new and exciting AND we did it together.

It got me thinking. A lot of things had happened over the course of nine Wednesdays. Lenny and I had to work together to learn something we had no clue about. We had fun. We fought. We laughed. We got pissy. But we worked it out. I kid you not, our dance class made me a better partner on and off the floor. It’s almost like I got a deeper understanding of what we as a couple were all about.

Let’s face it: Most people pay a therapist thousands of dollars to figure this out. We paid the YMCA membership deal of $88. And we’re going to do it again when classes resume in the fall.

In light of this, I spent the day thinking about how we grew during dance class. We all know my penchant for lists – so here goes:

1. “The man is KING on the dance floor!” – Our instructor stood at the front of the class and said, “Ladies, the man is KING on the dance floor.” The men cheered and the women snickered a “yeah right” under their breaths. Mary Lou was quick to add as the fellows puffed their chests out, “BUT…to be the king, you have to be perfect.” At that point, the women thought the roles had been reversed. C’mon…you want us to give up control?

What I did learn is yes…you do have to let the man be King of the Castle. He’s the quarterback of this two person dance team and if you aren’t following him, you’ll find yourself crashing into the wall. In application to my marriage, I realized that I do have a tendency (okay…habit) of being the attention getter of the two of us. But I have to learn to let Lenny be in the spotlight and play his game. He needs his ego stroked too!

2. The theory of “equal resistance” – One of the most important things to do in ballroom is connect with your partner. Without connection to your partner, your movements are useless. One part of that connection is “equal resistance.” Lenny’s right hand holds firm on my back, while my left hand grips that same arm. This is where we feel the give and take. This is how we communicate during the dance. If we do it right, one doesn’t over power the other and we move in unison.

Equal resistance in relationships is important because if one half of the team is off doing their own thing…how are they then going to hear the other half screaming for some attention? On the flipside, if one partner just keeps letting the other get away with things…what ground do they have to stand on when things reach a boiling point? Equal resistance/communication is vital.

3. The show really must go on – There were many many many times where we would be dancing and I would screw up the count or anticipate rather than let the King drive the team. But it was drilled into our heads that even if someone messes up…KEEP GOING. Go with your partner until you can find your place.

This concept was a snap to match up. As many of our close friends know, Lenny and I can get very combative. And there comes a point where neither of us really want to talk or argue about it anymore. That would be perfect if we were just locked up in the house all day. However, being the busy people we are, we’ve always made it a point that no matter how mad we are at each other, we’d NEVER let everyone see it publicly. Our business is our business and no one really ever wants to see bickering. Even in times of extreme frustration…the show must go on!

4. Learn to follow – When planning our wedding, Lenny used to make this joke. “Lily’s doing all the planning…I’m just being told when to show up!” Okay…so I’m a very Type-A personality with megalomaniacal tendencies. Sue me. And while I heard our teacher say, “The lady’s job is just to follow,” I had a really hard time with it for about three weeks. Even in the middle of dancing, I’d make recommendations to Lenny about what we were doing wrong. That finally came to a head at week five and I kind of got snippy.

It was then that I realized that I was hindering our progress. I didn’t have to be in charge all the time. I could actually just go with the flow. Once I learned that, it was smooth waltzing for both of us.

5. Let go or I’ll get rid of you! – Week three was the week we learned about the “arch turn.” You know…that’s where the guy lifts his arm and the girl twirls under it. Easy enough. But try doing that while completing a box step. I thought it was going to be simple. Repeatedly, it just felt wrong and looked wrong. After observing our attempts, my teacher pointed out that when Lenny lifted his hand, rather than loosening my grip, I was clutching his hand…very firmly. I was very frustrated after class, because I couldn’t overcome that step.

The thought rolled in my mind and I realized subconsciously, even a self-proclaimed woman like me was afraid to let go and spin off in a direction blindly. Worse off…it was like I didn’t trust Lenny to bring me back into the right position. How many times outside of class did I decide to do something because I didn’t think Lenny could take care of it? Too many times to remember. Next week, I finally forced myself to let go of his hand…and I stopped worrying if he could handle it.

I am going to miss my little Wednesday lessons until we come back around to them in September. While the dancing was fun, it also allowed me to remember that I’m a part of a two person team that presumably has no free agency.

Now that’s $88 well spent!