Ranting Lily: Learning When to Stop

Dispensing advice is one of those gray areas in life. It’s always been my personal policy to never seriously give advice unless it is asked for. It usually happens in a one-on-one situation and I never make my advice public. Even then, I try to approach it from a detached point of view. I figure the person asking for advice already knows the answer, but they’re just trying to find the reasoning behind it. But the underlining rule about advice is that I try not to preach and I usually leave it to the professionals.

Then I read this last Friday: (source text: Dear Prudence)

Dear Prudence,
I will be getting married next year to the most wonderful man in the world. We share similar goals in life. One of those goals is that neither of us wants children. We are both in our 30s and don't want to be raising children into our late 50s. Our friends, family, and even acquaintances constantly ask us when we're going to start a family. When I respond that we don't want children, I get a lecture about how wonderful children are and how much I am missing. We both love children. We have plenty of nieces and nephews with whom we enjoy spending time. How do we head off those people who feel it is important to question our choices? One neighbor of mine suggested lying and telling them we are unable to have children (which will embarrass the asking party), but I am not one who can lie very well.

—No Child of Mine

Dear No,
As far as acquaintances are concerned, "I'd rather not discuss such a private matter" should do it. But family and friends are different. Yes, it's true that ultimately it's not anyone else's business, but from a human perspective this is a loss for both sets of parents. No one has parents who say, "I hope my child grows up to marry someone wonderful and they don't have children together." With your intimates, next time they bring it up, explain that you understand this is painful for them, but you are both comfortable with your decision and lecturing won't change your mind. Now I will join the chorus of people who are driving you crazy. You are about to get married, and as life's circumstances change, it is worth re-examining your goals, especially this one (and yes, I know, I am offending all happy childless people). You're only in your 30s—if you have children now, they'll be grown by the time you reach your late 50s! You say you love children, but as close as you may be to your nieces and nephews, that's no substitute for having your own. The people who know and love you best hope you and your husband have children—that alone makes it something worth considering.

—Prudie

Now far be it from me, a humble would-be writer, to disagree with the professional opinion of Prudie…but WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ANSWER?!?! I was so irritated after reading that. It has bothered me the whole weekend!

The way I see it, “No Child of Mine” came to her asking for advice on a matter that is obviously close to her heart. And in the first half, she got her answer. But I can’t help but imagine the look on her face as she read the second half of the answer. I imagine she put her hand to her cheek feeling like she just got sucker slapped by the advice diva.

Why haven’t we as humans learned when to shut up? In life, we get into awkward situations and dig ourselves deeper by blathering on and on about it. We just don’t know when to stop anymore. Did “No Child” need really need Prudie’s opinion on her childless stance? No. She just wanted to know how to get people to stop lecturing her on a decision that she and her fiancée had obviously thought about.

Whether or not “No Child” is being selfish is irrelevant. All she asked for was a tactful way to answer. What she got was a lecture.

If people come to you for advice, they want someone to LISTEN to them. They don’t need the answer – they probably know it already and just need to talk it out. You really should never venture to lecture unless they ask you “What do you think?” Even then, tread carefully.

Okay, I’m glad I got that off my chest. As my friend Sunny Treasures would say on her blog Soap Box Here, I’m just writing to write today. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense, MGF Fans.