Dance, Monkey, DANCE!

Okay, for the last day or so, my e-mail has been spotted with these “Lily, you have to read this article by Maureen Dowd” e-mails. For those of you out of the loop, Dowd is a columnist with the New York Times. In the July 5, 2006 late edition, she penned a short opus entitled “How to Train a Woman.”

Dowd poses the question in her piece, “Does it [training] work? And can you do it while you’re dating or should wait until you’re married?”

This all started with fellow New York Times writer, Amy Sutherland. Sutherland wrote about her experience in deciding to apply the techniques of exotic animal trainers in changing certain behavior habits of her husband, Scott. Sutherland discovered that by rewarding him for even the smallest of good behavior (i.e. slowing down in traffic, putting his shorts in the hamper, etc.), she could change his behavior. I believe the parallel was the training of a baboon to jump was akin to training your spouse to pick up after themselves.

Dowd’s article takes a look at the flip side of the equation. If it works for men; can these techniques work for women? The inevitable point is made that women are different than men. According to a Rutgers’s anthropologist Dowd quotes in her writing, women are more verbal and respond to intimacy, especially face to face. The claim is made that this behavior comes from years of holding children directly in front of their faces. So yes, women can probably be trained to change.

Now, I really didn’t have a problem with either of the articles from a writing standpoint. They were both well written and researched. I’ll even venture to say that they made a few (emphasis on FEW) valid points. What I did have a problem with; however, is the insinuation that there is a need to change the behavior of your significant other or spouse.

If your significant other or spouse really needed some major behavioral change…why did you hook up with them in the first place?

As it’s been mentioned on MGF Blog before, the Gender War is best not fought with the usual rhetoric. Unless you’ve got something new to say, just keep it to yourself. In the years since the Battle of the Sexes started, we have come to understand two simple truths:

1. Men are who they are because they’re male.
2. Women are who they are because they’re female.

Each gender has their own annoying quirks and behaviors – but it’s also part of what makes us attractive to each other. Like the old cliché says, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

It drives me nuts when I read things about “changing” people and their basic behavior. Sure there are a bunch of little things that drive me bonkers about Lenny’s habits (*cough cough* Shaving *cough cough*). But they’re not exactly deal breakers. I’m 100% positive Lenny has some choice things to say about a few of my habits as well.

However, the moment I think “If I see just ONE MORE DAMN episode of classic Star Trek, I’m going to divorce him,” it’s a sign that things are much much worse than we’d like to admit to ourselves.

What’s more insulting is that both Sutherland and Dowd make both men and women no better than circus animals. It’s demeaning to me that Sutherland would treat her husband like a trained baboon (and let’s not get started on actually PUBLISHING it)! We’re better than other animals because we have the ability to verbally communicate. Sadly though, we chose to simply ignore it most of the time.

Why even entertain the trickery, ladies and gents? In my experience, real adults hate to be treated like anything but a human. I know, I know – some of them are so immature, Lily! Well…then find one that fits your state of mind. There is someone out there for every one; it just takes time to find them. When you resort to “training” your significant other, it means you done the unforgivable.

You’ve settled.

What Dowd and Sutherland are stoking the fire with is nothing new. People have been sticking to the cry “I can change them” for years. But, once again, just because people do it doesn’t make it right! Instead of wondering how you can train the current love of your life how to fit to your needs – why not spend the time trying to find someone who DOES fit your needs mentally, emotionally, and physically?

It comes down to this: You have to love someone and respect them enough to be their imperfect selves. If you can’t handle that, you have no business being together.

Leave the jumping to the baboons.