You Ain't No Hollaback Girl...No Really, You Aren't!

Solo or spotlight songs have NOT been good to Black Eyed Peas songstress, Fergie. Last summer, the world was subjected to what had to be the DUMBEST song ever. The masterpiece known as “My Humps” defied conventional taste and logic to become one of 2005’s most popular songs. Apparently, sexual harassment was HOT last year, if the lyrics are to be believed.

Not satisfied to annoy people for only one summer – Fergie is back. I didn’t think it could be possible, but the new tune, “London Bridge” overachieves at being bad. Do you have three minutes and thirty seconds to waste? Perhaps you are a music masochist? Or maybe you’re just really curious to see this car wreck? Well, you can watch it here, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

For the rest of us (a.k.a. “The Sane”), let’s dish about what Lily thinks about this song. Where do I start?! Oh, I know…the supremely insipid lyrics (Warning: I didn’t go “Wal-Mart” on this and sanitize them!):

“All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London wanna go down
Like London London London be going down like…”

I don’t know about you, but my favorite line so far is “I’m such a lady but I’m dancing like a ho.” Note to Fergie: when they talk about “Gentlemen’s Clubs” in England, they are not talking about THOSE kinds of clubs! Instead of a lyrical story, we’re treated to something that’s more of a “lyrical hangover” as Fergie sings about her penchant for Grey Goose, nightclubs, and drawbridges (Will someone PLEASE tell me what euphemism she’s going for with “London Bridge?”)

This is not what I expect from the Black Eyed Peas. I expect something different, cool, and addictively danceable. Where’s the driving beat of “Disco Club?” Where’s the catchiness of “Let’s Get it Started?” Where’s the other worldliness of “Bebot?” Instead of coming up with something that would boost Fergie’s solo career, we got a boring song with a backtrack and vocal that sounds like 5 swans dying. Wait…I take that back…I’d pay to listen to 5 swans dying after this.

What is most shocking is that a member of BEP produced this damn thing! “London Bridge” is the first single off of Fergie’s solo album, “The Dutchess,” which is the first release from the freshly minted Will.I.Am Music Group, headed by who else? Fergie’s BEP band mate and super-producer, Will.I.Am. This should have been a no brainer! Instead, it just has no brains whatsoever.

But what is most unforgivable about this track is the fact that it’s not even original. After getting past the awfulness, my head kept screaming, “This sounds A LOT like ‘Hollaback Girl.’” Bearing down and watching the video again, the similarities were eerie!

1. Gwen has the Harajuku Girls, those wildly dressed, fashion forward entourage accessories. Fergie is backed by two scary looking women in weird clothing, war paint, and faux-hawks who act like her dancing/singing bodyguards.

2. The signature rhythm for “Hollaback Girl” is a drum cadence/horns familiar to marching bands. “London Bridge” has taken those beats and rearranged the notes, hoping you don’t notice.

3. “Hollaback Girl” has Stefani strutting around in outrageous versions of high school cheer or band outfits. Fergie gets down and dirty on an antique table in boy shorts sporting the Union Jack.

Okay – that last one really didn’t fit – but I still think it looks trashy and I had to mention it.

Fergie NEEDS to stick with the guys on BEP. Twice already, she’s shown that her musical tastes are way off. Despite achieving number one status on The Billboard Hot 100 and number one on iTunes’ download list, fans like me are spewing venom for the lack of quality this song possesses.

And while the 650+ words I just wrote should adequately turn you away from this monstrosity, there is a line from a review on iTunes I saw on Saturday (Which sadly has been removed by the Review Nazis over there!) which probably encompasses how I truly feel.

“Nice job pee pants.”

Keep your day job, Fergie. Please.