Reasons Why Arizona SUCKS in the “Winter”

Do not get me wrong – I LOVE where I live. Now that I’m used to the blistering summers and strange looks from Caucasians, Arizona isn’t that bad. Cost of living is great. Job market is wonderful. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d like to be.

However…does any other AZ dweller feel the way I do right now? We are on the brink of November and it’s not cold outside. Not only is it not cold…but its freakin’ picnic weather outside! I look in my closet and long to put on a REAL sweater. I pass by the store and tell myself, “Ohhh…that outfit will look cute once it gets cooler…” But good luck finding out when that will happen.

Arizona summers are LOOOOOOOONG. Arizona winters are too short for my tastes. I can hear the detractors right now: Quit your bitching, Lily…you live in a desert paradise!

Spare me! I’m a cold-weather kind of girl and I miss it! While I do live in what people would describe as an oasis, it still leaves something to be desired for those of us who enjoy weather. Think you might like to move here? I present to you my “Weather Based” opinion on my fair city:

Seasons? We Don’t Need No Stinking Seasons!
Having lived here for over ten years now – I have learned that there are only two seasons in Arizona. You have HOT and then NOT HOT. HOT generally happens between April and October…sometimes stretching into November. NOT HOT is what happens during the rest of the year. You know, at least California has the decency to be cold during the night/early morning and warm during the day! Leaves turn red because it’s Fall…not because it burst into flames on a 110-degree day. But don’t depend on the calendar to tell you which “season” you’re in. How do you know you’ve transitioned from HOT to NOT HOT? You get out of your car one morning at work and realize that you need a sweater. Why? Because you’re shivering and its 68-degrees outside. Chilly!

Migratory Pattern of (Snow) Birds.
Birds flock south for the winter…wanting to take advantage of warmer weather and friendlier skies. But it’s a little known fact that the species known as the “Snow Birds” traditionally flocks to our southwest locale starting about October. Think the swallows at Capistrano, only with an RV and permanently blinking left turn signal. This parasitic fowl often crowds our streets and places of leisure, bringing everything to a much slower and more aggravating pace. Whereas most birds observe the law of AZ traffic at 60-75 MPH, the Snow Bird can only do a measly 40 MPH over major freeways. Sometimes referred to as “blue hairs” the Snow Bird is easily spotted thanks to its crown of white feathers on its head. You will often find this species hanging out at our Casinos and Bingo Halls. Look for the male of the species to run about town in shorts, black socks, and sneakers. Thankfully, come the first sight of the HOT…the Snow Bird flees back to the North.

Shopping Mission: Impossible
If we are unlucky enough to have an elongated bout of HOT – the denizens of our fair state are pretty much S.O.L. when it comes to shopping by this time of year. Despite the fact knowing that heat is a big part of lives, retailers INSIST on stocking their stores with clothes that are probably better worn in places that actually have seasons. I feel especially for the kids who go back to school in August or September. Instead of being able to purchase more shorts and cotton shirts for our rug rats – we go to a local big box retailer and shake our heads at the fact that wool is the predominant material available. All I want in October is another pair of shorts to replace the ones I bought at the beginning of the summer…but you practically have to go to the same street corner that crack addicts buy their stuff from BECAUSE NO ONE HAS IT ON STOCK! C’mon people! Do we really need coats and hats HERE?!

I’m Dreaming of an 85-degree Christmas…
I agree…when the weather is NOT HOT, it’s beautiful! You’ll be very hard pressed to find anywhere else that matches Arizona. However…there have been several years where I’ve gritted my teeth at the weather for ruining holidays for me. A couple years ago…it was too warm to wear a sweater to Christmas dinner. In fact, it was almost too warm to wear the three-quarter sleeve button down blouse and slacks I did choose to wear. It’s just really funny to watch snow fall on a football field in the Midwest while you can sunbath by the pool on Thanksgiving Day. Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages. But it all just seems so wrong when singing “White Christmas” in sundress.

Blink and You’ll Miss It
It finally gets cold enough to put on some sweaters and jackets by the third week of November. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that HOT is over. We don’t even mind the Snow Bird infestation so much. Thanksgiving comes…followed by Christmas…and then New Year’s. But like a smack to the back of head with a baseball bat, it gets warm again! And not consistently warm – oh no! You can cruise along for a couple weeks with 50-degree mornings and 70-degree days. THEN WHAM! Six straight days of the low to mid-80s. People get the hint that NOT HOT is over…so they put their sweaters and gloves away. But the moment they do…here comes another week of 50-60 degrees! I tell you, it’s enough to drive a girl nutty with all this packing and unpacking of clothes! By the time this game of cat and mouse is over – HOT comes back and doesn’t let go for about 6 months or more.

BRING ON THE WINTER….PLEASSSSSSSSE!