Lily’s Current Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

Plus Sized Tube Tops – NO, NO…A THOUSAND TIMES NO! How many times do I have to tell you ladies? Just because it’s in your size doesn’t mean you have to buy or wear it! The plus sized tube top that is sported in many summer collections is just plain WRONG. Why create and sell something to a bigger girl that most skinny girls CAN’T PULL OFF?!?! The line between HOT and NOT is a very thin one for those of us who are Plus-Size Clothing Divas. One move in the wrong direction, and you could be drawing the wrong kind of attention to yourself with your wardrobe. Most of us are the statuesque curvy or a 14-16 in the right height! If you shudder at the thought of wearing a bathing suit, what makes you think a tube top is better? There’s a difference between being proud about how you look and being downright offensive to the sight of others. Think of it this way Zaftig Sisters: Big can be beautiful…if you know what works for you. We generally despise skanks who show too much skin. Don’t become one of them.

Spice Girls Reunion – When the all female UK Fab Five recently announcing a December-January 11 date tour, I kind of shuddered. You made millions of dollars back in the late 90’s off of “Girl Power.” Don’t tell me you spent it all already! Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell (a.k.a. The Yoko of the Group) stated that they wanted to do the tour because of a sense of nostalgia. She also said, “I like to think our songs are universal and timeless.” NOSTALGIA?! TIMELESS?! Ladies, your last album came out in 2000. Seven years is hardly time enough to determine that. I have shoes older than your retirement. So what is it really? Does Scary Spice need back-up in case Eddie Murphy refuses to pay up child support? Does Posh need an excuse to go on a feeding binge to get above 100-pounds (Seriously…how can you not look at her and think “Skeletor?”)? Give us the real reason! Tell us what you want…what you really really want!

Cell Phone Charms – So, I’m flipping through Audrey Magazine and I get to the back page. In their “Cultural Collage” section, readers discussed the merits of “phone charms.” Maybe I’m just old fashioned or horribly out of style – but phone charms are a mystery to me. Like designer doggie purses and toe thongs, I end up asking myself WHY WOULD SOMEONE NEED THIS? I can’t fathom paying upwards of $15 for something that’s just going to dangle on my antennae! If Hello Kitty is going to swing from my phone, you’d at least better help my reception! Heck, for that price, I want it to DIAL the numbers for me. Seriously folks, accessories like this make me think we’ve gone too far as a “Bling Culture.” It’s a phone, folks…not a channel for self-expression!!!

Rock of Love – Congratulations VH1! You are this year’s winner of the “Beating a Dead Horse Until It’s a Pulpy Mess Award!” It wasn’t enough that you inflicted the worlds with TWO editions of the skeeze-fest called “The Flavor of Love,” but you managed to diabolically spin off the format into the horrible “I Love New York” and somewhat redeemable “Charm School.” In all cases, American was treated to glimpses at how our society is going down the crapper personality-wise. All were ratings successes (much to my chagrin) and a boon to your programming. You’d think you would have stopped while you were ahead. But nooooooooo. Not only are you giving the reprehensible Tiffany Pollard (and her repulsive mother, Sister Patterson) another shot at “I Love New York,” but you’re also giving die hard hair metal fans their own version with “Rock of Love.” Bret Michaels, former front man of the band Poison, will sift through 20 star struck groupies – I mean women – in search of true love. Because as we all know that people fall in love on reality shows because of deep and meaningful relationships. It’s not at all because of some modern day, twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome!