BrownSuga's Sweet Spot: Humor me

I know I know I was supposed to post yesterday. I have a really good excuse. And yes I know that excuses are tools of the incompetent, that build monuments of nothingness and those who excel in them seldom excel in anything else, Excuses.

But I was completely engrossed in a book and the only I put it down was because my husband made me go to bed. And since he didn't stop me to post here, it's really all his fault.

Anyway, I thought for a bit of laughs I'd post some e-mails I've gotten recently that made me laugh. They are not meant to offend anyone and if you are too bad.

Sipping Vodka

>>It's funny
>>
>>A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>>The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
>>pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
>>get nervous, I take a sip."
>>
>>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
>>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
>>He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>>Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
>>note on the door:
>>
>>1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>>3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>>4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>>5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>>6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>>7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
>>and the spook.
>>8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
>>9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
>>say he was stoned off his ass.
>>10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>>11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and
>>eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
>>12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
>>13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
>>the grub, Yeah God.
>>14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not
>>a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all
the background checks,
>interviews and testing were done, there were 3
finalists.
>
>
>
>Two men and a woman.
>
>
>
>For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal
>door and handed him a gun.
>
>"We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the
>circumstances. Inside the room you will find your
wife sitting in a
>chair.
>
>Kill Her!!"
>
>The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife." The
>agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife
>and go home."
>
>
>
>The second man was given the same instructions.
>
>He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5
>minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't
>kill my
>wife."
>
>The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go
>home."
>
>
>
>Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions,
>to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were
>heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the
>walls.
>
>
>
>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there
>stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
>
>
>
>"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to
beat him to death
>with the chair."
>
>
>
>MORAL:
>
>
>
>Women are evil.
>
>Don't mess with them