Self-Indulgent Catharsis

Customer Service is a tricky thing. Most businesses centered around a service philosophy about making their customers happy. This is a good thing and the most important thing about customer service. If the customer isn’t happy, you are up the creek! And in most cases, I think businesses do a good job at it. I think it should go without saying that most businesses aim to please their customers to the best of their ability.

For those of your slackers who give us a bad name: WAKE THE HECK UP!

However, the hardest thing about customer service is the fact that we actually have to DEAL with CUSTOMERS. For every one customer we love to help and go to the ends of the earth for, there are 20 very bad customers who make you want to take up drugs and alcohol. And judging by websites such as CustomersSuck.com, I am not the only person who thinks this way.

I do try to keep a stiff upper-lip about angry customers. I mean, they’re human. They’re allowed human emotions! I would feel the same way if I were in their position. But what REALLY gets under my skin? When someone goes off and embellishes the true and slams on the blame because they’re angry. You see, it never really works out well for a customer who decides to scream/write from the hip just so they can say, “I sure told them!” Getting your rocks off screaming at me only lands you in a very bad place, my dear customer.

It lands you on my blog* with my own smart ass commentary that I SHOULD HAVE wrote to you!

I sure told you…

*Look, I still love my job and would like to keep it. All names and pertinent info have been removed to protect the not-so-innocent…mainly yours truly.

What the Customer Said

I have I have been unable to make my payment on your lousy website:

1. Never received a bill for this quarter [Lily’s Commentary: Technically not my problemo, I just process the payments!]
2. I tried to pay THREE times with information I used LAST quarter, AND THAT WORKED!
3. I will not be responsible for late charges because THIS IS YOUR FAULT
4. This is our last attempt to resolve YOUR issue.

The next called will be excalated [Lily’s Commentary: I probably would have taken them more seriously if I didn’t die laughing every time I read the world “excalated.”] and you may not want to know to who!!! [Lily’s Commentary: I want to know who. Really…I do!]

How Lily Responded

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your e-mail.

I have received your issue and have researched your well made points. I also took the liberty of pulling up your previously successful payment. [This should be an ominous sign of your demise…BWAH AH AH AH!]

Per the computer database, I show you made two payments on July 2nd and 3rd [Three payments, my sweet rear! LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!]. After further research, we show that the payment was rejected due to an incorrect account number format [Yep, YOUR fault…not OURS!]. As the website example states, the account number must be entered exactly as it appears on your bill [If you bothered to pay attention to the THREE different times it’s listed, you wouldn’t be in this mess!].

Your previous payment information is valid. I highly recommend using this information to resubmit a new payment [Next time, don’t fat finger it!!!].

Please resubmit a new payment with the correct information at your earliest convenience [Like, now maybe?]. I will go ahead and forward our correspondence to the business partner that contracted us to process the payment so that they are aware of the situation [So they too can see that this is YOUR screw up!]. If terms of whether or not a late fee will be charged, please contact our business partner at 408-555-5445. Waivers are at the discretion of the business partner [Man, I hope they charge you double!].

I hope this information has been helpful. Please do not hesitate to contact us back if you require further assistance [But since WE were right and YOU were wrong, I’ll never hear from you again because my research skillz TOTALLY SCHOOLED YOU!].

Thank you,

Lillian T. White
Customer Service (Goddess)