OMG! IDK WHAT UR Thinking ESPN! SRSLY…

Dear ESPN,

Hi guys. I hope everything is well in Bristol, Connecticut!

Listen, I know we haven’t been really close since I grew out of that tomboy stage. It’s been a long time since I sat down and watched a Sunday night SportsCenter end to end. And since I write on Monday Nights, my MNF attendance has been down. Work and life run keep me busy and I do miss spending time with you. Truly, I wrap myself in the memories of a good Roy Firestone interview and prove my “cool girl” cred with the guys by quoting some classic Berman “Swami Sez” and some Olbermann on occasion.

I’m still you’re girl…I’ve just been busy doing what a girl’s gotta do, ya dig?

And while you’re not #1 in my life anymore, I still drop in to have a drink at the sports fountain. I read up on your website and keep up with what’s new and cool in programming. You become a world wide network, and I’m proud of our connection together. Even with the missteps in programming (i.e. The Spelling Bee a few years back), I happily call you my buddy. However, it has come to attention that we seriously need to talk.

As I perused the Digg files today, I came across a new tidbit about your latest venture into programming. Apparently, the great ESPN has entered a partnership with Major League Gaming on ESPN.com.

The MLG? Video gaming? Are you the same ESPN I grew up with?

According to your senior vice president and general manager of digital media, John Kosner, “Adding MLG content to our already comprehensive offering will help us continue to deliver the best news, information and entertainment to our growing gaming audience.”

Look, I have stood by you through thick and thin. I was there with you when you reasoned cheerleading and dance troupes should be considered a sport. Those girls do work their asses off. We laughed at the fact ESPN2 started showing Power Breaking tournaments. You have to fill your programming time, right? And an argument can be made that poking a hole in a tin can with a one-inch finger punch ala Bruce Lee can be considered athletic.

But gaming?! I think you’re stretching it here! The presence of the word “game” in this situation is used in the lightest sense. No energy is expended! The only sweat that gets broken during gaming is the brow on some socially-inept, pasty-skinned teen as he reaches for his Mountain Dew after 16-hours of Halo. If you barely move – how can you even call it a sport?

C’mon…the guy in the latex unitard coming down the luge run does more than a gamer does!

I know, I know. You say you need a younger demographic. You say that it will make you cool and hip and with the “in” crowd. But aren’t you forgetting that JOCKS ARE THE IN CROWD? Why are you fighting so hard to be relevant to a younger generation that can’t appreciate a good box score anyway?

You can call me a pansy, but I just think this is a mistake. If you start thinking the MLG and its ilk are sportsman, how long until you start airing the Wii Homerun Derby? Will the Madden Game Day tournament replace play in place of bye week teams? In a way, this is a slap in the face of the great tradition of sports entertainment you set so long ago. And as a trendsetter, you know it’s only a matter of time before the other networks follow suit.

Instead of the polished erudition of Bob Costas, I envision sports fans being subjected to telecasts of even worse clichés and smack talk punctuated with graphics that splash “w00t” and “n00b!” The scroll at the bottom of the screen will be reports of other gamers that will require a vowel decoder ring to make sense of the results. Instead of praising the strikeouts of the Big Unit, the long drive of Tiger, and the run and gun majesty of Kid Canada…there’ll be talk about MegaWizard217’s casting skillz, Halo_MaStEr001 kill ratio, and Str8tShoooter ability to level up in record time.

I tell you, ESPN…this is not a road to travel. So I beg of you…seek another path! Remember your true calling: Sports. You’re the Big Man on Campus and you aren’t getting younger. Leave the gaming to tech trendsetters like G4TV. Be the distinguished gentleman…not the mid-life crisis guy.

No one wants to see you get pwnd.

Best regards,

Lily White
Concerned Sports Fan