Even a Broken Clock...

It was a weekend of “almost.” When my Mom had come to pick me up at Lindbergh Field on Friday morning, we were ALMOST to the cemetery to visit my Grandmother’s plot, before she asked me. In Newport Beach, I ALMOST made it an hour before realizing an answer to the same question in my head. And on Sunday, I ALMOST made it out of my sister’s Baby Shower without having to think about it again. But you know what they say…ALMOST isn’t good enough. And what exactly was chasing me all weekend?

“So, now that you’re 30, are you thinking about having children?”

I have been known to be a very competitive person. While not the athletic type, my competitive nature was bred through years of debate training and being the oldest of five siblings. For a very long time, the need to be better, smarter, and quicker was the ultimate goal. My family has no idea where it came from, it’s just always been there. Sure, it’s been toned down as I’ve grown older. I’ve learned the nature of the Win/Lose Beast. But I feel that I’m still a gamer when it comes to competing. If you’re going to compete, you might as well give it your all.

This winner mentality extends to all parts of my life except one. Talk about the “Rat Race” and I’m the first one to sign up. But if we’re talking the “Baby Race,” I’ve been more than content to idle at the start line waiting for the others to lap me.

At this present time, I don’t feel the biological clock clanging away in my head. I have a very comfortable life. I’m to the point where I feel like I have everything I could possibly want: A husband, a home, a career, and my freedom. I know I’m in the minority. Women in my age group are starting to see the future and are gunning for the things they feel like they are missing in their lives. And a big part of that is having babies.

But now, more than ever, I am confronted with the idea of having kids. Whenever asked, I refuse to say that I’m NEVER having children. Things happen. If Lenny and I are blessed with a bundle of joy, then so be it. That is what fate has determined for us. I never want to turn to my kids and say, “I had some big plans before you came along.” Ergo, if I should get pregnant, I want to approach it with a flexible and loving attitude.

At the same time, I’m soooooo not actively trying. I made an error in judgment back in July. I got off the pill after being on it for 7-plus years. Originally, I’d gotten on it simply because I had irregularities. Birth control was secondary (albeit important). Whenever I was confronted with the question of parenthood, I’d tell everyone “When I’m thirty, I’ll think about it.” I somehow had convinced myself that at age 30, I would magically be ready to be a parent. With this in mind (being a stubborn person who likes to keep her word), I stopped taking the pill during the summer. Then two things happened.

1) I missed my period in October.
2) I learned that I suck at lying to myself.

I won’t go into detail – the whole thing was overwhelming at the time. But suffice to say, there was a lot of stress, more than a few tears, and a strong reaffirmation that Lenny and I were on the same track. It turns out I wasn’t with child. However, it was a very sobering experience. It brought up so many questions in my own head.

What if I want to be known as the “Cool Aunt?”

I’m okay with not having kids now. But what if my Mom is right and I regret it when I get older?

What do I have to lose?

What do I have to gain?
How old is too old to have a baby?

And those are only MY concerns. Never far from my consciousness is the fact that I’m not the sole decision maker in this marriage. I have to take Lenny’s feelings into this equation. I know he is okay with whatever happens to us, but I worry about the consequences of a decision either way. Lenny is the only son of his father. His other male cousin and his wife have decided definitively they will have no kids. Do I want to be partly responsible for ending the line?

The external pressure is pretty tough. I come from a big family. Siblings and other relatives alike have literally told me, “You first...then we’ll decide if we’re ready.” Thank goodness my middle sister is on her second child! I think my Mom would have had my head by now!

On the flipside of things, it’s easy for people to tell me “You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to.” But the answers are never really that simple. There are so many factors, so many things to consider. If you could take a peek into my brain, you’d be surprised at the messy corner I keep these thoughts in.

All around me, women in my age group and position are getting pregnant. The whispers of “You’re next,” are loud and clear. I so desperately want what’s right for me and my present (and future) family. But is it wrong for me to want it on my terms? Am I in some serious danger of being considered selfish for the wrong reasons?

So my admittedly defective Biological Clock keeps ticking. I guess I’ll keep cruising until I have a moment of clarity or something. I’m not so sure how this one will turn out. In fact, I don’t have the slightest clue! And it just drives me nuts.