You Never Hear the Bullet That Kills You

Yesterday afternoon, I saw the last of what I call the four “New Broadway Classics” on my list. It took me a decade or so, but I finally saw a live performance of "The Phantom of the Opera," "Miss Saigon," and "Rent." After seeing Phantom in London, I only had one more to go! Lenny and I are not sure how it’s eluded us all these years, but I kept missing the touring editions of "Les Miserables." When his cousin told us that this year’s tour would be the last one (until they decide to revive it in 5-10 years), we jumped on the opportunity to watch. So, I got all dressed up to go to the matinee performance at Gammage Theatre.

I have to say, it’s one of my favorite productions out of the four. The sets, the stories, and the characters really come alive. The audience feels very connected to the show. You feel for each of the characters. You cheer on Valjean. You want to boo Javert. You pray that Cosette and Marius don’t get separated. And then there’s Eponine.

Ahh…poor Eponine. The show’s favorite street urchin who was doomed to fall in love with someone in a different strata of society. And she knew it. Even if you didn’t know the story, the moment Marius and Eponine spoke, you knew she was doomed. (SPOILER ALERT: SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS!) She gave and gave to an oblivious Marius. How much in love was she? Eponine not only helped Marius FIND where Cosette lives, she also delivered a love letter he wrote for Cosette! Talk about taking it in the head for a guy. This ironically is pretty close to how she gets killed. Clipped by a bullet she didn’t feel until she fell into Marius’ arms. Only in near death does she finally get what she wants. “I’ll sleep in your embrace at last,” she sings right before passing into the light.

While I can’t really blame Eponine for falling in love with Marius, or blame Marius for not knowing (love has a way of blinding people to the obvious), I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should have stood up and said, “Eponine…let him go! It’s not going to work! Go for the guy getting drunk on the wine!” She should have seen it coming!

Which brings me to the point of our blog this evening: Why do ignore toxic or dangerous relationships even though our better thoughts tell us to do otherwise?

I’m talking about people and all relationships. Not just romance based relationships, we’re even talking friendships and family. In our lives, we’ve all had someone who has just sucked the life out of us. The kicker is, we knew it, we recognized it, and we did nothing about it until it was too late.

Humans are funny that way, aren’t we? Out of all the animals in this world, we ignore our instincts the most. You don’t see a deer pausing to think about the ramifications of running away. Once they get spooked…they jet. But humans? We tend to hem and haw until the bullet is right about to strike us. Why are we so stupid that way?

Let me take a work relationship for example. I started in my new department last October-November. When I joined my new team, I made friends with someone who was a little like me. We were talkers, weren’t scared of being out in front, and we were very focused on accomplishing our team objectives. I thought he was a cool guy and we even socialized outside of work with our spouses a few times. During that time period, my work started getting noticed. After years of being ignored, it felt really good to be recognized for hard work.

And then one day, my boss (who is a great mentor and has given me great advice about my career at our company) pulled me aside. She asked me how much trust had I placed in this person. Realizing the tone of her voice, I knew she was about to deliver bad news. I asked her why she was asking. She simply looked at me and said, “Just watch out. You’re sticking out and it’s not sitting well with your new friend.”

I sat on it for a few days. I really didn’t want to believe that there was ill intent lurking in the cubicle across from me. On the other hand, my boss had never led me wrong. And then again, I was beginning to notice little things here and there that just didn’t sit well with me. But being as good natured as I am, I chose to believe the best in that person.

And then…I found out people were under the impression that my co-worker was responsible for the success of our team during our busiest time of year. I heard that it was because of HIM that we succeeded. Now, I’m not a huge attention whore, but I do believe there were THREE people on the team handling all of the work. I was the new guy, but I knew that each one of us had contributed.

Despite all the warning signs of a toxic relationship, I let this one take over. The result? I had to rebuild my reputation a bit and fight for the recognition of my other teammates as well. Luckily, some important people knew the actual situation, and no one was permanently damaged.

But why didn’t I just follow my gut? This could have potentially been so much worse! Especially since my last job resulted in a lay off because I trusted too much in people who I thought would take care of me! You’d think I would have learned…but I guess it’s a lesson that I have to pay more attention to. Like Eponine, I needed to quit it while the quitting was good. I shouldn’t have delivered the love letter.

I hope I’m learning. I hope that when the next opportunity arises, I can see all the signs of a toxic relationship. Because who knows? The next time might be the bullet that brings me down.