My Super Sweet Sixteen's 16th (Part I)

Okay – I have to come clean. I am addicted to watching MTV’s “reality” show My Super Sweet 16. I know, shocking! It’s nothing but spoiled little rich boys and girls who go around with this attitude of entitlement while they plan parties that are four and five times the cost of the average wedding. These little brats just work my last nerve by the end of the episode!

They’re shallow, melodramatic, disrespectful little sh*ts who live in an orgy of materialism. All they want to do is show off how much money they have – when in reality, it’s not their money. It’s their parent’s.

So why do I watch this insipid piece of trash? Because it’s so much fun to make fun of! I sit through these things for the one moment where the celebrant breaks down because they think their party is going into the crapper because they can’t get the right celebrity to perform at their party. It just makes me feel better knowing that if something that small is going to ruin their mood – they’re going to be in for a big wake-up call when they get into the real world. And the (lack of) parenting on the show proves my theory everyone needing a good spanking when they get out of hand.

But as I was watching reruns of the show this weekend, I couldn’t help but think to myself why should these kids have all the fun? At sixteen, you haven’t done anything. You haven’t been anywhere. You haven’t earned anything but the rights to breathe in the world you live in. I’m going to turn 32 next year. I worked my ass off since moving out of the house!

WHERE’S MY PARTY?!?! When do I get to abuse the help and rip off my parents? And since I’m married – the drama between Lenny and me alone could fuel a few seasons worth of shows! I would be far more entertaining than a high school sophomore!

So why shouldn’t I get my own? Wonder how it would go down? Yeah, so did I. So using everything that I’ve learned from My Super Sweet 16, I’ve laid out plans to celebrate my 32nd birthday next year. Lily’s Super Sweet Sixteen’s Sixteenth, so to speak.

The Theme: Okay, for my Super Sweet Sixteen’s 16th, I am going to go with an ultra posh Casino Royale with a hip hop edge to it. James Bond? I think not – more like Jigga’ Bond. I could cheap out and go to Las Vegas, but why be so typical? And I’m going to pass on having it at the actual Casino Royale in Monaco. Please – have some creativity. I’m going to have Lenny BUY the Casino Royale, break it down brick by brick and have it shipped HERE for my party! Take that you Four Seasons, movie theatre renting, pool party booking children!
Needless Drama #1: While negotiating this particular aspect of the party, Lenny is going to get into it with me about the “feasibility” of my suggestion. But I will counteract this by throwing myself on the ground and proceed to have a huge tantrum including some awesome screaming and kicking. Footage must include dialogue from me screaming in a shrill, banshee-like tone, “If you LOVED me, you’d find a way for it to work!”

The Guest List/Invitations: Get together with the girlfriends and start hammering out the guest list for the party. I’m only going to invite 800 hundred or so people, so I have to be very selective. Cut from the list is anyone who is prettier, skinnier, and people who refuse to kiss my ass. I have standards and WILL NOT be showed up at my party.
Needless Drama #2: My demand for the perfect guest list requires me to cut two of my posse – who just spent the last couple hours helping me put together the guest list. The results in a very vocal fight that ends with me cutting them off from my life. If they can’t understand how important this is for ME…then I don’t need them as friends. Also cut from the party are a number of family members, but they get back on the list at Lenny’s insistence. Luckily I’m in a giving mood.

The Party Details: This is going to be the party of the decade! No expense will be spared.
Needless Drama #3: Lenny complains when I find extra money for the party. “Geeze, Lenny…I’m only taking HALF of your 403(b) retirement fund!” Lenny barks back that he’s a set income. “Well, if you’d done something other than TEACHING, we’d have the money!”
Needless Drama #4: I blow a gasket when Lenny can’t confirm Martin Scorsese to film the party. I have to settle for Bryan Singer, only to get angry again when Singer has to drop out and I have to take Brett Ratner.
Needless Drama #5: Every one gets a little miffed when I announce to the family and Lenny about the plans for my outdoor grand entrance. My plan is to be carried in on a litter with a James Bond look-a-like at my side while Chris Cornell’s “You Know My Name” blares and pyrotechnics go off in the background. Lenny wants to know where he is when all of this happens. “Throwing rose petals in front, I imagine.” Lenny leaves in a huff. You call that supportive?
Great Example of a Totally Needless Expense #1: The giveaways for the party becomes a highlight. Each guest receives a goodie bag. For the Bond girls in attendance, each will get a specially designed Louis Vuitton wristlet (“Coach is so…domestic…”) with a lipstick (a shade specially made for my party, naturally), that doubles as USB drive (Bond chicks are ALWAYS prepared). For the Bond wannabes, the exact Omega watch he wears in Casino Royale. Once again, the killjoy known as Lenny wonders why we can’t just get replicas. “Or why do we even need them at all!” I look at him and calmly explain that it has to BE THE REAL THING OR PEOPLE WILL THINK I’M CHEAP! I then go screaming out the room and repeat my tantrum from earlier in the episode.

LOL…who knew writing farce could be fun! We’re not even halfway through this episode!

…stay tuned after this commercial break!