Size Does Matter

It had been a few weeks since my birthday, and I still had gift cards burning a hole in my bag. Needed to shop, stat! When I entered the store, the blouse caught my eye. It was just too gorgeous for words! For months I had been looking for a kimono-style blouse to add to my wardrobe. Being a plus-sized gal, you have to be patient when finding all the “skinny” trends.

But my fashion prayers were seemingly answered. It was white with blue and gold flowers. The sleeves and neckline bordered with a different pattern in peacock blue. It tied neatly in the back so it would accentuate my shape, not my belly. Since I’ve been teetering between sizes from the waist up, I picked up the smaller and larger size.

I didn’t care how much it cost – I was getting this blouse. Hurriedly, I pulled the other blouse over my head, back to the mirror. I was already planning to include this in next month’s All Girls Vegas trip. It would fit perfectly.

“WHAT THE HELL!?” Well, it would fit perfectly if I could get it over my damn hips!

I looked at the tag on the blouse, thinking I had grabbed the wrong size, or maybe it had been tagged incorrectly. Nope. I picked my old size. Slipping it back on, I tugged at the delicate material, willing it to fit. But unfortunately, the way it was cut wouldn’t allow it to slip easily over my ample figure.

“Why don’t you just get the next larger size?” Lenny looked at me concerned.

I made a face and walked back over to the rack, hanging up two identical blouses. “Because.”

“Because what?”

“Just…” I looked at the piece of clothing longingly. “Just because, okay?”

Why couldn’t I just buy the next size up? I could just walk over there right now, grab the next size up and have my prized purchase.

Sadly, my pride just wouldn’t let me do it.

Two little numbers were all I needed to shut down the purchase. What kind of twisted pride was this? Oh what a difference a number makes! My own pride wouldn’t let me move up the ladder size wise! And I just couldn’t understand it. Nobody would have to know. It’s not like the girls in the office do a tag check when someone comes in with a new outfit. And truly, most everyone I know wouldn’t care one bit. But two random numbers on the tag of that blouse were all I needed to shut down the purchase.

It’s like this sense of loss to me. If I go up that extra size – it’s like I’m negating all the work I’ve done in the last year with my diet and exercise. Maybe worse of all, it makes me think that the negative influences in my life were right (and we all know how stubborn and insubordinate I can be about things like that!). Going up to that next notch makes me a “them.” And “them” is not where I want to be.

Darn it all…I want to be ME! I’m happy to be me. But I just can’t be happy with me if I’m a size larger. As shallow as that sounds, I don’t want to be “them.”

Try as we might to be humble and thoughtful creatures, we all have our points that we will not cross due to pride. I guess it’s true that everyone is susceptible to their ego. They say that youth is given a sense of vanity – but I think we carry that vanity with us always. No way to get rid of it. You have to adapt with it if you chose.

So instead of getting the one thing that would make me happy right now, I walked out of that store a little less than completely happy. After thinking about it the afternoon, there really is no harm in getting the blouse in the next size up. I let something as simple as a tag get in the way of a really nice piece of clothing. In all reality I should just suck it up, go back and claim my prize. Just drop all the hubris and get with it, Lily. Right?

Like hell I will. I’ll be perfectly honest with myself…size does matter.