I Don't Have to Shake the Sheets to Find Him

I was reading the April issue of Glamour Magazine; I came across a collection of essays that posed variants on the question “What If?” Comedienne Margaret Cho wrote the essay “What If Bigger Were Sexier Than Smaller?” Cho paints a picture of sexiness if dominated by curvy and plus-sized women. The shift to the paradigm that big is beautiful creates a whole new spin on what would be considered trendy.

“There would be no bad carbs, only good ones. Diet Coke would be a joke, and we’d sip milk shakes instead of Evian. In fashion magazines, instead of all those perfume samples, crispy strips of bacon would fall out of the pages.”

No doubt, if “bigger” were the definition of desirable women…life would be great!

But, while there’s a number of topics that I could have written based off of that essay – I all of a sudden felt a little guilt. Sure, women and their body shapes have constantly been a source of angst. Squillions of words have been dedicated to the subject. Here at MGF Blog – I’m guilty of the indulgent luxury of standing on that soapbox screaming about it on a regular basis. After reading Cho’s words, my thoughts weren’t immediately on how unjust and unfair it is that women are worshipped on their size. Nope. My thoughts were COMPLETELY another direction:

I really need to give some blogging love to tubby guys.

I’m sorry ladies – we bitch entirely too much on how we look. (Not saying I won’t stop – just admitting the problem!) I only say this because we actually believe it’s only our problem. But I’ve come to realize in recent time that it’s not. Men are just as vain and insecure about whether or not their butt’s too big.

And they have feelings about it too!

I’m pretty sure that my beloved Lenny is not the chiseled Adonis he would like to be. In fact – he’s just as conscious about his form as I am about mine. It’s interesting to see how Rubenesque men handle their own appearance vanities. This is witnessed by his response to the title of my post tonight.

“You make me sound like I should be riding a moped with my fat twin.”

Sure, he’d love to be thinner, sleeker, and (in his words/thoughts) good looking. As with all humans, we all want to be the better physical versions of ourselves. And just like women suffer the slings and arrows of being compared to Charlize Theron or Jessica Alba – so do our men when we outright and shamelessly drool at Tim McGraw or Daniel Craig.

The fact is – I’m quite happy with my Lenny! I don’t want him to change. Much like I made a conscious decision to try and change my form, that decision to change is solely his. And I’d venture to say that most real women in this world would go for a guy with a little girth, once they understood just how good they’d have it!

Most of the guys I know aren’t built like David Beckham or Kevin Garnett. They’re actually more like Hurley on “Lost.” Even when they’re skinny – they’re not perfect. And you know what? I love hanging out with them. I just wish I could set them up more often.

Pretty boys worry so much about their looks. They’re always preening and checking themselves out. You know how you hated that one cheerleader in high school for doing that every five minutes in Biology Class? Yeah – EVEN MORE ANNOYING on a guy. Pretty boys are competition to you and your fabulousness. There will never be a time where it’s about “you” or “us.” It will always be about “him.” Mr. Perfect never fears being alone. Why? There are four other women out there ready to throw themselves at his body for fleeting moment’s pleasure.

My portly guy? He’s the perfect fit to me. As Sunny Treasures once told me as we were extolling the virtues of our husbands over lunch, “Lenny looks like he’s built for comfort!” And damn…he is definitely comfortable in his own skin. You complain about a little extra padding? I don’t – I have something to curl up next to at night that can keep me warm! And because he knows he can’t compete with Mr. Perfect, he always feels like he won the lottery because you stick with him. And because that’s his mindset – he treats you like a treasure he doesn’t want to lose.

A well-built man is low maintenance. Give them their technology and/or something good to read – and they’re happy. They know how to make you laugh, because they know how to laugh at themselves, you, and the rest of the world.

What else more could you ask for?

So, my Rubenesque brothers…keep on, keepin’ on! There are many women who have much love for you. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to free your inner athlete physique because you want to get more ladies. You wouldn’t want us to change for you – so why should you change for us?

As for my fellow ladies – give Mr. Not-So-Skinny a chance. Pretty boys may run the joint – but a husky man is forever devoted in your loving debt. You will be surprised to find out what you have been missing.