William Shakespeare: Man, Legend, Smack Down King

T-shirt available at Busted Tees

Having developed a taste for the theatre, I started reading Shakespeare before high school. I did a few monologues for Drama Camp at the Globe and I dabbled in his sonnets the summer previous to that. It wasn’t easy! Elizabethan English might as well have been Engrish. But as I started to read more, I discovered the joy that is Shakespeare’s genius.

What I came to appreciate was not that Shakespeare’s writing had a lyrical sense to it. Nor was it the fact that he is one of the greatest storytellers of all time. And it wasn’t the fact that some call his work the greatest in the English language. While Shakespeare was all those things, he became a literary hero to me for one reason.

Shakespeare was the original Insult King.

He may have penned in the play Titus Andronicus that “Sweet mercy is nobility’s truest badge,” but verbal mercy is NOT what Shakespeare should be remembered for! Let’s face it – despite the fact that he wrote plays loved and viewed by nobility – Shakespeare wrote for the Elizabethan equivalent of the Jerry Springer set.

What we consider high brow literature today – Shakespeare’s insults are the Tudor version of a “Your Mama” joke. They dripped with sarcasm or were as sharp as a knife when said. While Queen Elizabeth adored him, Shakespeare was a man of the people. Therefore he wrote to thrill them. You can imagine the poor Groundlings, standing before the stage, holding a raucous party at The Globe. Eagerly waiting to see who Willy will zing next!

No one knew the cut down like Shakespeare. Sometimes I read them and I burn with jealousy, wishing I had thought of it first! Even though they were written several lifetimes ago, Shakespeare’s words still sting. When I was in London last year, I found a set of magnets at The Globe Theatre that highlighted some of his best:

“Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes!” – Richard III

“Scratching could not make it worse….such a face as yours…” – Much Ado About Nothing

“The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.” – Coriolanus

“Your breath first kindled the dead coals of wars…” – King John

“Thou crusty batch of nature.” – Troilius and Cresida

“Could I come near your beauty with my nails?” – Henry VI, Part II

“She is spherical, like a globe. I could find out countries in her.” – The Comedy of Errors

“I was searching for a fool when I found you.” – As You Like It

There’s just something more civilized, yet devastatingly efficient about these words. The shock alone would stun a tormentor into silence. I can only picture the wave of destruction that I could unleash by replacing “Your face!” with “You elvish-mark’d abortive rooting hog!” Or imagine how suave you’d sound when coming back at someone who said your putdown was lame with “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”

It certainly would set you a part from the rest of the crowd, now wouldn’t it?

If your interest is piqued and you want to dive into more of these sarcastic gems, the internet is full of sites dedicated to the subject. For the classics, the Jolly Old English have set up the definitive Shakespeare Insults Dictionary. At The Shakespearean Insulter, generate a random insult? Click the button and let ‘em rip! Or if you prefer creating your own, get to Ye Olde Official Shakespearean Insult Kit.
Once you’ve gotten your Shakespeare on – go ahead and use it!