MGF Rerun: Marriage Penalty

Hey friends...don't you love it when you have an archive to pull from when busy? I do :-) Hope your weekend was fun! - Lily

When I talk about my husband of five years, it is with great affection and respect. However, it means people look at me like I’ve sprouted an extra eye in the middle of my forehead. Most of my single friends exclude me from conversations about relationships because I have “the perfect marriage.” And there are even some acquaintances who tell me straight-faced that they feel sorry for us, because we gave up our freedom.

I don’t know what it is about the word “married” these days, but it seems like making the declaration that you are “happily married” to your spouse is akin to perversion. No one quite believes you and the word LIAR is on everyone’s lips.

Since when did wedded bliss become a handicap? Or maybe a better question is: Is marriage an endangered species?

One of my favorite books of all time is Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones’ Diary. When it first came out, it spoke as the voice for “Singletons” everywhere. In 1999, it voiced the frustrations of a generation that felt they were looked down upon because they were single. Looking back, I remember that a majority of us in my circle of friends were attached to someone or looking for long term relationships. By the time Fielding’s second (and far more inferior) installment of Miss Jones’ Diary came out in 2001, the Singles Revolution was in full effect.

The numbers of those coupled dwindled to the point where Lenny and I were not only the ONLY people attached, we were the first to get married. And the next of us didn’t get married until 2003. Most of my girlfriends were screaming, “I AM SINGLE, HEAR ME ROAR!” And, admittedly…I thought it was cool! It’s always been my philosophy that you have to learn to stand on your own before you can stand together.

And for a time, the Coupled and the Uncoupled got along. Lenny and I still hung out and had fun with our friends. But there was a sliver of a time period where things were rough. I always felt like I had to constantly defend the fact that I was 1) Monogamous 2) With my first (and hopefully only) love and 3) Married. The thing that irritated me the most was the assumption that because I was married, everyone thought we had it so good.

Because we were married, we never had to deal with disappointment or broken hearts. Since we had found our soul mate, we never had to worry about being too clingy. We could always depend on each other. Supposedly, Lenny and I didn’t have to suffer the same things our dating friends had to.

BLAH DI BLAH happy. BLAH DI BLAH DI perfect. BLAH DI lucky BLAH DI done looking.

Pfffffft.

Easy? Lenny and I laugh – no – MOCK that word. Just because we’re happy, doesn’t mean it was just handed to us on our wedding day. We earned it, and we continue to earn it each and everyday. Our marriage looks perfect on the surface, but there’s some blood, sweat, and tears on there.

We’ve gotten past the bullshit of trying to “change” each other. Once we realized that we loved each other for the person, things were much easier. We argue like you can’t believe (Hey, we’re debaters!), but we choose to never make our business public. And anyone who’s ever been angry at a significant other knows just how hard it is to keep your mouth shut when you feel like the other person has done you wrong.

As for the argument that we’ve given up our identity and freedom? Elusive Orchid and I were talking one night about the mistaken theory people make about marriage. I told her that I view our marriage as two close parallel lines, rather than intersecting ones. I do get jealous that Lenny gets to travel with our Speech kids more while I have to stay home. He’s not exactly thrilled that I like to stay up until 1 a.m. because I don’t need as much sleep anymore. I’ve seen unmarried couples fight over less. But where we lack, we make up for it in other areas. Lenny is phenomenally thoughtful and generous when he does leave town. And I always make sure to check on him every once in awhile rather than parking it in front of the TV or computer every night. It’s not perfect and it’s not always constant. But we try. If marriage were always easy…we’d be bored.

In the end, I think my single friends get frustrated because despite what they say, a teeny tiny part of them wants what Lenny and I have. When it comes down to it, everyone wants to be loved unconditionally. The funny thing is…we honestly don’t believe you need to be married for it. Marriage is something that fits the two of us. If marriage isn’t for you…DON’T DO IT. If you’re in a marriage and it’s just not working…get out of it. There are no winners if you are just out to prove a point. We’ve seen too many relationships end that way.

The most important thing is that if you find someone who is going to love you for being a free spirit, a slob, a jerk, a priss pot, or a head case…dive right in. Life’s too short to worry about whether or not being single or married is a stigma. Labels really blow!

If Lenny and I constantly worried about being married, we’d miss out on all the good times. And we have plenty of those planned for our well-earned, hard fought blissful future.