Keep it on the Down Low...Trust Me

Secrets in relationships are healthy, in my humble opinion.

Now, before my husband comes and asks me who I’m cheating on him with – let me get to the gist of my point.

Remember back in the day, when you first started dating your spouse or significant other? Remember how exciting it was to find out new things and new quirks about them? Admit it – it’s what kept you coming back for more. You didn’t know how deep the well was, but you were totally going to ride the rope down and find out!

So why the heck do we ruin it by wanting to dwell over every single detail of their lives? And worse off – why do we get pissed off when we feel like they’re “hiding something” from us?

I am just as guilty as everyone else about that last statement. But it does make you think, doesn’t it? To me, it might be the root of many relationship problems we have today. Much like we think our media suffers from TMI (Too Much Information) Syndrome – on a personal scale – so do our intimate relationships.

I look at it this way: How intriguing would the portrait of the Mona Lisa be if we knew that world famous smile was the product of a fart?

Crude…most definitely. But I never promised you a rose garden on MGF Blog, now did I? More to the point, it illustrates what I’m trying to say. That secretive, coy smile is the essence of that portrait. People call it the epitome of beauty. Some have made it their muse. Man has devoted pages and volumes of words to sweet Mona Lisa. That would all be flushed down the drain if we found out that smile would have been wiped away with a little Gas-X.

Maybe relationship nirvana isn’t achieved by total and complete knowledge. Maybe it’s a good thing you can’t decipher every look and every tone of voice. You might spoil the surprise they’ve been trying for weeks to perfect. Its okay that you don’t know what his favorite lunch during Kindergarten was. Gives you something to talk about when you’re making your kid’s lunch for the first day of school. Maybe she actually means “it’s nothing” when she frowns over an e-mail at her laptop. Perhaps (NEWS FLASH) it’s truly nothing.

If we’re not so on top of each other with informational neediness – maybe we and our partners wouldn’t feel the need to protect ourselves. Humans are animals and animals are instinctively territorial. When we get pushed into a corner by, for example, an endless line of questions as to why we are the way we are – our instinct is to clam up and keep it to ourselves. And once an animal is cornered, it activates that fight or flight mentality. In either case, it kind of sucks when that happens.

While love is grand, when you think about it, you’re giving yourself up to someone who has known you for a micro-fraction of your life. There are bound to be things that you just don’t want to share…yet. At some point, it can happen. But as the secret keeper, you shouldn’t feel guilty. As the partner, you shouldn’t feel cheated.

With that said – what is wrong with a little mystery? Good and healthy mystery, mind you. And don’t play dumb…you know crap like infidelity and squirreling away money because you’re afraid they’ll abandon you one day isn’t healthy! Maybe if we don’t feel this entitlement to know, we won’t inadvertently kill the excitement and spontaneity we first fell in love with.

One of my favorite things to do is talk to Lenny in the dark as we’re trying to fall asleep. We did that a lot when we were first together. And when time allows us to – and when it feels right – we still do have a chat here and there. Its kind of nice because in the dark, you feel like you can be more honest. I’ve probably learned more and been impressed by more in those conversations than I’ve ever been with a public display of affection.

LOL…and you know what? I’ve never really articulated that until now. How apropos…

Yeah – I know. Having a little mystery is probably a far cry from a real solution. But it’s a start. I guess my reasoning is that I never want to be bored with my relationship with Lenny. I don’t plan on letting him go or trading him in. And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. So that’s a long time to be together. If I know everything or tell him everything up front – what would be the point?

Life is too short for empty talk and awkward silences.

The Tourist Trap

Dear Spring Training Tourist,

First of all, thank you kindly for the influx of money you have put into Arizona in the last month or so. We really appreciate your gluttony for team related souvenirs and we hope you enjoyed our weather! As a citizen in the home of the Cactus League, we bid you a fond adieu.

And please don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!

Don’t get me wrong – we love having you visit. But like The Snowbirds, we can’t miss you if you don’t go! And to be truly honest, a majority of you we can deal with. It’s the loud, obnoxious, and clueless 10% of you that get on our ever loving nerves!

However, l understand that we need you like flowers need the rain in the desert. So in the interest of co-existing next year and not getting killed by a local, I need to have a one-sided dialogue with you visitors. Please don’t think of this as a lecture or a slight against you. Think of this as a friendly guide you can stow away until you come to visit our sunny vistas next year.

Left Side, Strong Side!

Oh East Coasters. I admit I’m in love with your cities and your lifestyle. The way you dress, the way your winters are actually winters. What I don’t admire is your blustery attitude towards the Wild Wild West. Yes, I know NYC has the best pizza. Yeah, yeah…nothing beats Beantown in the spring. But that doesn’t mean the Southwest is a bunch of pansies! If you’re going to get into a pissing match with me regarding what’s better – be ready to throw down! You have no idea what winter really is! Oh yeah? Let’s see you survive 115-degree summers. But it’s a dry heat. Screw you…hot is HOT. Your public transportation is for crap! At least our freeways a better planned out than the game of twister you cram into your city centers. Your state is run by a lesbian...ALLEGEDLY. Ah, yeah…at least she’s not spending my money on hookers or pretending to be straight! As you can see – we’re tougher than you think. And besides, you know what a westerner is, right? It’s an East Coaster who wanted more of a challenge.

Clothing IS NOT Optional! Neither is TASTE, Gentlemen.

Where you come from is still cold with 40-50 degree days. I can understand where our 70-80 degree paradise is desirable to you. As a local, I would love it if it could stay this way through the spring and the summer. But for the love of Pete: KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON AT THE BALLPARK! We here in the desert have had a month to work on tanning our skin. You, on the other hand, hit the ground looking (at times) like the snow covered hills you left. And the resemblance involves color AND shape. Don’t kid yourself either…you don’t tan, you turn red then burn. Just because you CAN take off your shirt, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Spring training parks are an intimate setting of about 7,000 fans. Have a little respect and keep your “moobs” (a.k.a. MAN BOOBS) to yourself! Oh…and ditch the socks and sandals look too. We paid to watch the game, not a version of What Not to Wear.

You’re Messing with My (Traffic) Flow.

Ballgames generally start between noon and 1pm. Gates to the ballpark probably open an hour before the first pitch. Game takes 2 to 2 ½ hours. Take into account that you can probably hubbub with your team for autographs as early as 8am; this is more than enough time to get in and out of the ballpark and all your shopping done before rush hour gets going at about 4:30pm/5pm. Oh but noooooo! For whatever reason, a lot of you wait until the last minute to leave and get pissed when traffic won’t yield to you! I’m talking to you Mr. Bird Flippy McFlipperson near Papago Park! It’s not my fault you didn’t wrap up your tailgate party when the majority of the sane people left. And who freakin’ tailgates at PHOENIX MUNI anyway?! Have you been to the parking lot lately?! You already take up a ton of our public parking during the season…give us our roads back!

Clothing IS NOT Optional! Neither is TASTE, Ladies.

Let’s keep things civil and simple, shall we ladies? I want to frame this by saying that I don’t begrudge your fashion sense. You have some very stylish pieces, but like your male brethren…sometimes a little guidance is needed. If you need to shop at a specialty store like Lane Bryant, it’s probably best to keep the tube top in the suitcase. The big floppy Antebellum South hat you wear to keep the sun off your face? Save that for the Kentucky Derby. Support the economy you visit…buy a visor or cap so the rest of us can watch the game. Metal bleacher steps are definitely anti-high heels. And seriously…HEELS AT A BASEBALL GAME?! The pitchers have a hard enough time catching the signs from their teammates and coaches. Please do not contribute to the problem by flashing your wares in booty shorts and an oversized tank top over the third base line railing. We are here to watch and admire, not catch a husband. And finally: Men dig that you can be the girl that’s “One of the Guys.” But NO ONE likes that girl to be a sloppy drunk…EVER!

Well, I hope this information has been helpful. Please understand that it is given with love and concern for East/Southwest relations.

Now hurry up and get out.

(I KID! COME BACK SOON!)

Warmest Regards,

Lily White
Baseball Fan
Resident of the State of Arizona

Battling Boredom with a Great Wastes of Your Time

Alright...I disappeared again. I'm sorry :-( You will be happy to know that I have answered most of the MGF e-mail...and I swear I didn't abandon you! Here's a post, hope you'll forgive me *blinks eyes*

You know…sloth isn’t really that huge of a sin.

No, seriously.

My days have become so jam packed with stuff to do for work and life that I miss the days of just being able to sit around and do nothing. Basically: I am bored with being busy. We put so much stock in being productive that we fail to realize that a couple hours of non-productivity (that doesn’t involve sleep) is great for the mind and body.

So the last couple hectic weeks, I chose to take yet ANOTHER short sabbatical from things I felt I “had” to do (Along with the blog, my workout and reading took a backseat in the schedule) and tried to discover some stuff that could be considered a productive waste of time.

Yeah, you read that right. A PRODUCTIVE WASTE OF TIME…otherwise known as “fun.”

BBC-America: “A Little Brit Different” indeed! Thanks to the 2007 writer’s strike, BBC-America quietly started to work itself more and more into my viewing schedule this past winter. Sorry Alton, you’re going to have to live with me splitting your time with Dr. Who. But honestly…take a gander at their TV Schedule lately? There are quite a few gems that can keep you captivated for hours. BBC feeds both my Reality TV and foodie fix with shows like Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (The people running the U.S. version are a bunch of plonkers!) and Last Restaurant Standing. I admit to becoming more and more addicted to Torchwood and MI-5. But by far, the cheeky and fun car show Top Gear wins thumbs up from BOTH Lenny and I. I really LOOOOVE me some Top Gear. Jazza, Hamster, and Capt. Slow provide more than enough humor than your standard sitcom! And I don’t care if you don’t know what a Bugatti Veyron is…the fact that they raced it against a fighter jet is JUST. PLAIN. COOL. So if you’re bored waiting for U.S. television to get back on track, check out what our neighbors across the pond are up to!

ytcracker – the Undisputed KING of Nerdcore: If you know me and Lenny…you know agreeing on what is “music” can be a bone of contention. So imagine the magnitude of the eye-roll I administered when he plugged his iPod in while we were driving around town and said, “I have something special. It’s Nerdcore rap!” Oh great. “His name is ytcracker.” Oh heaven help me. But I will admit this right now: My husband was right. (Happy Lenny?!) The Nerdcore sensation, ytcracker makes some fun rhymes while creatively using the gamer soundtrack of my early teens by sampling music from old Nintendo Entertainment System games. If you’re a big X-Play fan, you’ll recognize the catchy “DugDig” on their latest commercial on G4TV. For free you can download the 9-track “Nerdrap Entertainment System (N.E.S.)” and discover how loud you’ll giggle when you listen to “DugDig” and my current favorite, “Meganerd.”



The Lily & Lenny eBay Challenge: The most fun you can have on eBay without spending any money! This game was born one night when Lenny and I were bored and on the internet. It was created upon the premise that eBay has some pretty kooky things on it (thus earning Lenny’s distrust as a consumer center). How do you play? You type up two words into eBay’s search function and see what comes up. No big shakes, right? The laughs really start when you take two words that are so far apart from each other. For instance, one of the first search pairings I remember were the words GOAT and ANGEL. We got 6 pages of results! If you don’t believe me, you will just have to try it yourself. And if you come up with something completely awesome…write us and provide a screen print for goodness sakes!

The Passive Aggressive Notes Website: While I LOVE me some LOL Cats, you do need to mix up the humor every once in awhile. A girl like me can’t laugh at grammatically incorrect cats alone. No matter how cute they are! When the 12-year old in me wants a grown-up, yet completely immature laugh, I now can turn to the world of passive-aggression. Physical anger can be funny – but the pure hatred/bile/bravura poured out in a poorly written note is far more entertaining! The gang at the Passive Aggressive Notes Blog proves that theory so well, the folks at the South by Southwest Festival awarded it with one of their “Best of the Web” awards. Watch just how low human sensibility falls when the need to get over on people takes over.

Sit back from your busy life folks and waste some time – you’ll feel a lot better for it!

BrownSuga's Sweet Spot: What I would do if I were Silda Spitzer…

Let me preface this blog by saying this…when there is infidelity in a marriage I truly believe the husband and wife share blame…

However the actual CHOICE to cheat is purely the fault of the person who cheated…

With that thought in mind this is how the morning of the press conference would have gone had I been Silda Spitzer…



Inside the room where the press conference is being held, there are hundreds of journalists waiting for the arrival of Governor Spitzer. In walks Silda Spitzer followed by Governor Spitzer and some other people who don’t matter…

Surprisingly, it is Silda who approaches the podium and looks into the cameras and the Governor stands to the side head down.


“You may be surprised that I am the one speaking first but what I have to say needs to be said, not only for me and my 3 daughters but for every other woman who finds herself in a similar situation.

I am not here to defend anyone including myself. But I am here to say that I am not the one to “stand beside her man” when he’s become an embarrassment to me and my children.

I did not choose to run for public office and neither did my children. So my personal life is not open to the scrutiny for the press. I am not implicated in a call girl scandal. I did not cheat on my husband.

From this moment on, what I choose to do is no concern of anyone’s but me and my children.

Every person here wants a story and that story is the Governor. He will have to defend the choices he made. He is the one you should contact to quotes and interviews. He is the one who has the answers.

Please leave me and my daughters alone. You can stop camping outside my house, calling my home or following us around in hopes of a new angle. You won’t get one.

Thank you”

Silda Spitzer then walks out of the press conference as the Governor takes his spot at the podium to say whatever it is he needs to say…without a wife beside him.

BrownSuga's Sweet Spot: The writer’s strike didn’t just affect TV shows!

I’m extremely sorry for disappearing like that. I have no excuse. But Lily tracked me down and had to brow-beat me into writing again. Ok so that’s not true. She appealed to my better nature. So here’s a short recap of what’s been going on in my world since I left you last…


I ended 2007 a bit more confused than when I started it. But I decided that in 08 I was going to make some real changes. My mottos for this year are:
Go Big or Go Home
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
For the GBGH motto it is to stop myself from becoming a person that is all talk. I was getting sick of saying “one day I’m going to…” And now I say “today I’m going to….”
I’ve always had a pet peeve with people who would always talk about doing stuff, changing the world, lose weight, get a new job, find a man or whatever the case may be. And as of a few years I found myself doing it more and more. I don’t’ want to be that person. I want to be the person who does what she says she’s going to do. I want to be the person who shows others it can be done. I just want more for myself. So I did.

A few of the things I’ve done that I’ve always talked about
Gave up soda (and in the process cleared up my skin and am losing weight!)
Got a tattoo (found that I like them and want more J )
Got a couple of piercings (I’m done with this one!)
Started putting my happiness first
Stopped enabling people in my life.


Those are some of the positive things going on. With the positives there are also negatives. It’s the way life goes. My family has been hit with cancer and we’re learning to deal with being dealt the cancer card that doesn’t have much hope for a positive ending.

I’m also learning some hard facts about myself, how I treat people and how I’ve let people treat me. As much as we might want certain things and people in our lives it might not be meant to be.

And no matter what mistakes we’ve made in our lives, everyone has to make their own. Making mistakes is actually a good thing. I believe they are a great source of knowledge and lessons if you are willing to see them.

So 2008 is a year of change, a real year of change. The new Brownsuga is a lil bit sweeter and whole lot better!!

Head Case

Sometimes…I freak myself out with how far my crazy mind can take me. Our story starts this past Monday afternoon.

2:48pm – CRACK! The sliding cabinet door of my desk cubby comes down on the top of my head thanks to the aid of a tape dispenser left on top of it when my teammates decorated my entire cubicle in Hello Kitty (Another story, another time). After a less than 10-second ring in my ears, I started to take inventory.

Vision…not fuzzy. Good. Top of the head – okay, no soft spot. Good sign, good sign. Motor skills? Pick up pen, grip pen, toss pen. Alrighty. I’m okay, you’re okay!

2:50pm – Sit down at desk and try to get back to work.

Alright, so if I move the FTE hours here then…hey, I should really look up signs of concussion on Google. [Quick searches] Well…I’m not puking. Dizziness? Nope. What’s this about the signs of a concussion aren’t always immediate? So they just show up?

2:57pm – Answer phone call from client.

3:15pm – Back to work. So we think.

I need to format that bullet point. Sheesh…my head kinda hurts and I don’t have any aspirin. HOLY CRAP. What if this is a sign? What if my skull cracked and I’m moments away from the great unknown?! OMG…I have to call Lenny. Wait, he’s still in class. What if I pass out here at my desk? In the car? What if I’m somewhere no one can find me for weeks?! JAYSUS, Lily…get a grip! You are totally overreacting. You read the Wiki page, looked up Web MD and you’re perfectly fine.

3:20pm-4:10pm – Continue to work pushing back horrific doomsday visions of being hauled off in an ambulance after a co-worker finds me passed out in the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.

4:11pm – Get into conversation with co-worker regarding the inner workings of our project team. Three exchanges in, I slur the first two words of my answer. Initiate further freaking out while still conversing.

Did I just slur that? How the HELL did I just slur that?! Can a concussion be degenerative? What if I do have a concussion and it’s the start of some freak medical case like on “House?” Must remember this incident for when I go to the doctor. Wait…should I go to the doctor. I’ve been chatting and thinking this whole time with Joe. I’m probably making mountains out of mole hills. I’m perfectly fine…what about blood clots? Do those come from concussions?

4:33pm – Get into car and drive home. The whole 10-15 minute drive paying close attention to every twitch, ache, and uncoordinated movement.

5:00pm – Take shower and contemplate nap due to small headache.

Okay, it’s just a headache, nothing abnormal about that. Just take a nap. But what if I don’t wake up? Chill, Lily…set your phone alarm. You’ll wake up to that. If you wake up at all…OMG SERIOUSLY! You are just freaking out!

6:15pm – Wake up from nap after on and off dozing. Convinces self that this proves I don’t have some serious head injury.

Yeah, as if. What if I lose all my smarts? Is this going to be like “Flowers for Algernon?” [internal sob] I can’t be witty anymore!

6:30pm – Lenny arrives home and we have dinner. I make him check my pupils for abnormal dilation. All of a sudden I feel tired and cranky. Lenny suggests I turn in early for the evening.

7:15pm – Ensconced in my bed, I tell Lenny I am going to take another hour long nap. I have things to do (like write a blog), so an hour is all I need.

“Wake me up in an hour, okay?”

“Don’t worry, I will.” [several minutes of silence, save for the T.V.]

“Lenny?”

“Yes, Lily…”

“I’m going to wake up a vegetable.”

“What?! You are NOT going to wake up a vegetable. You’re fine.”

“But what if I’m not?!”

“JUST GO TO SLEEP!”

Next morning…

Okay, I woke up to Lenny’s alarm and nudged him for not turning it off. I did not wake up a vegetable. I am, however, still sporting a sore spot and a headache.

…paging Dr. House…

I Am Confident…

…THAT I WILL BE A GOOD MOM.

No. No. No. Yours truly hasn’t been hit over the head with the pendulum of her biological clock. Nor am I currently carrying. (Sorry to burst the familial bubble).

However, if I should become blessed (or lazy in my personal habits) with a bundle, I don’t fear motherhood. This comes as a surprise to people who think they know me. I figure you can’t really worry about something that doesn’t automatically come with an instruction manual. And everyone’s experience is so vastly different, how can any accept advice about it?

In my heart of hearts, I instinctively know that I am capable of love. And even now, I’d do just about anything for my nephews or other family members. At the base level, isn’t that what mothering is all about?

…THAT THE LIGHT TURNS OFF IN THE FRIDGE WHEN YOU CLOSE THE DOOR.

You know you’ve tried to see if it’s true. But short of sitting in the damn thing while someone else closes the door on you, there’s no actual real proof. And really, that’s okay. There are just some things I don’t need solid proof on. I just know it happens.

It really says something about a person’s character in this day and age when they actually show faith. We live in a society that requires, sometimes DEMANDS hard proof. If you can’t prove its existence, importance, or menace…no one wants to hear it or believe it. In the search for the ultimate truth – we’ve turned it into truthiness.

And I feel like its jaded people. Remember what it was like to believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? Now some people revel in the fact that they can spoil it for little kids. When was the last time someone did something genuinely nice for you? You probably don’t remember because you’re pretty sure they were working an angle.

By accepting certain things at face value, it frees me up for the important stuff. Well, at least it frees me up to figure out exactly what’s important enough!

…THAT I AM IN BETTER SHAPE THAN I WAS THIS TIME LAST YEAR!

You know how it is, right? You work out, you change your eating habits, start giving up certain things to lose the pounds. But deep down inside, you just don’t see the change. The progress is slow and the scale doesn’t seem to be moving. People tell you that you are looking great – but you wonder if they’re just being nice.

Then there are the undeniable truths: You drop sizes to the point where you are now shopping for yourself at stores you shop for your skinny friends. People you’re not so close to or don’t hang out so often with have genuinely surprised faces when they say, “You ARE looking GOOD.” You go to a trip in a big city that requires walking and realize why did I have such a hard time the last time?

In getting healthier/losing weight, progress is slow. I’m reminded constantly that I didn’t gain this weight overnight and the the Grand Canyon wasn’t carved out in a mere three years. But I have to start believing I’m making progress! Because when you can accept that changes are happening – you feel a whole lot better about skipping dessert on the weekdays!

…THAT MY PROBLEMS ARE NOT UNIQUE. THEY’RE ONLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I have a lot going on in my life. I may not have kids or a huge bill problems or a marriage that resembles an episode of Jerry Springer, but it’s a busy life full of stresses, anger, frustration, and not-so-civil moments. There are days that are good and there are days where I just want to rip someone a new one. But when those days happen, I always remember my Grandmother’s words:

SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT WORSE THAN YOU.

When things get bad, I repeat these words in my mind constantly. It’s a mantra that has kept me cool and collected in the worst situations. Because I know that I could be in a worse situation – so complaining is pretty dumb. I should focus on how to resolve my issue.

I hear too much complaining for martyrdom’s sake. And while everyone is entitled to it, there’s no need to dwell in it. Life isn’t hard – we make it hard on ourselves. Whatever happens to us isn’t entirely chance, we make choices. Once we make those choices, only you are responsible for cleaning up the mess.

And the sooner we clean up the mess, the sooner we can move on!