Exercising the Body and the Mind

When I hit the weight loss track two years ago, I had no clue what I was in for. No one mentioned that I would always worry if I was doing enough exercise. No one cautioned me that calorie count WOULD ALWAYS sit at the back of my head, even if I wasn’t counting them. And for sure, NO ONE prepared me for the fact that I’d STILL be in the same pants size two years later.

Lately, it’s been really tough to stay the course. When I look in the mirror, I still cannot see this “change” everyone around me seems to noticing. The scale isn’t moving downward as fast as I think it should. While working out, I have become frustrated because everything still hurts and I’m still stuck in “basic moves” after 6-months of class attendance. Meanwhile, everyone around me seems to be dropping pounds and sizes by just thinking it.

It’s all pretty damn frustrating if you ask me.

Not only must you deal with yourself, but everyone around you as well. To the outside looking in, they don’t understand why I would feel so frustrated. I’m losing weight – isn’t that what matters? I guess I really can’t be mad at them though. They probably have no clue as to what I’m feeling because I haven’t opened my mouth about it. And when I do open my mouth, it just feels so patronizing when someone nods their head and pats my hand saying that they understand my frustration.

Deep down I want to scream: YOU DON’T! YOU REALLY HAVE NO CLUE!

I should feel more gratification at this point in the process. But why do I feel like it isn’t enough anymore? I started out wanting to get healthier and if I happened to lose some weight, then great! Last week I ended up chucking a skirt at my bedroom wall because it didn’t fit (despite being my regular size). The gap between the aspirations of losing weight and the realities of doing it is very wide and I wasn’t sure how to traverse it until just recently.

I picked up this book at Borders on Friday in their sales bin. I’m maybe only a quarter of the way through it – but I’m thoroughly enjoying Wendy McClure’s I’m Not the New Me. McClure’s memoir, according to writer Jennifer Weiner, is “A brave, bittersweet look at weight, loss, and elusive happy endings.”

McClure (a former size 22) really dives into her personal experience and examines the most important lesson about weight loss: It’s not just the physical that affects you, but the emotional as well. Media today makes losing weight sound so easy. As a well-meaning family member once told me, “Just eat less and exercise more.” If it were that easy – everyone would be doing it! But as I’ve demonstrated so far…it definitely is NOT that easy.

Regardless, what I’ve read so far from McClure makes me feel a little better. And a little is better than none. Losing weight is a daunting process and no amount of bullying (from yourself or others) is going to get you through it. There will be setbacks and things NEVER go as fast as you believe they will.

Oh, and it’s totally okay to be jealous of those skinny bitches who can shop anywhere.

But most importantly, it’s given me a clearer picture of my “Fat Girl Reality.” Getting down to that goal size or weight isn’t the end of the story. Not only will you give up the weight, but you will lose things within yourself that you may have to find again. And at no time, should I ever have to justify my self-esteem issues. I have a right to feel bad some of the time because what I have chosen to do is VERY difficult.

I’m hoping that having found something in McClure’s story that I can relate to will help me out of my weight loss funk. In the bigger picture, I hope it makes me more aware of myself and the plight of others in the same boat. No longer can I just plow through my three days of workout hoping for the miracle.

My heart can be in it all it wants…but without my head, my body isn’t going to go very far.