Keep it on the Down Low...Trust Me

Secrets in relationships are healthy, in my humble opinion.

Now, before my husband comes and asks me who I’m cheating on him with – let me get to the gist of my point.

Remember back in the day, when you first started dating your spouse or significant other? Remember how exciting it was to find out new things and new quirks about them? Admit it – it’s what kept you coming back for more. You didn’t know how deep the well was, but you were totally going to ride the rope down and find out!

So why the heck do we ruin it by wanting to dwell over every single detail of their lives? And worse off – why do we get pissed off when we feel like they’re “hiding something” from us?

I am just as guilty as everyone else about that last statement. But it does make you think, doesn’t it? To me, it might be the root of many relationship problems we have today. Much like we think our media suffers from TMI (Too Much Information) Syndrome – on a personal scale – so do our intimate relationships.

I look at it this way: How intriguing would the portrait of the Mona Lisa be if we knew that world famous smile was the product of a fart?

Crude…most definitely. But I never promised you a rose garden on MGF Blog, now did I? More to the point, it illustrates what I’m trying to say. That secretive, coy smile is the essence of that portrait. People call it the epitome of beauty. Some have made it their muse. Man has devoted pages and volumes of words to sweet Mona Lisa. That would all be flushed down the drain if we found out that smile would have been wiped away with a little Gas-X.

Maybe relationship nirvana isn’t achieved by total and complete knowledge. Maybe it’s a good thing you can’t decipher every look and every tone of voice. You might spoil the surprise they’ve been trying for weeks to perfect. Its okay that you don’t know what his favorite lunch during Kindergarten was. Gives you something to talk about when you’re making your kid’s lunch for the first day of school. Maybe she actually means “it’s nothing” when she frowns over an e-mail at her laptop. Perhaps (NEWS FLASH) it’s truly nothing.

If we’re not so on top of each other with informational neediness – maybe we and our partners wouldn’t feel the need to protect ourselves. Humans are animals and animals are instinctively territorial. When we get pushed into a corner by, for example, an endless line of questions as to why we are the way we are – our instinct is to clam up and keep it to ourselves. And once an animal is cornered, it activates that fight or flight mentality. In either case, it kind of sucks when that happens.

While love is grand, when you think about it, you’re giving yourself up to someone who has known you for a micro-fraction of your life. There are bound to be things that you just don’t want to share…yet. At some point, it can happen. But as the secret keeper, you shouldn’t feel guilty. As the partner, you shouldn’t feel cheated.

With that said – what is wrong with a little mystery? Good and healthy mystery, mind you. And don’t play dumb…you know crap like infidelity and squirreling away money because you’re afraid they’ll abandon you one day isn’t healthy! Maybe if we don’t feel this entitlement to know, we won’t inadvertently kill the excitement and spontaneity we first fell in love with.

One of my favorite things to do is talk to Lenny in the dark as we’re trying to fall asleep. We did that a lot when we were first together. And when time allows us to – and when it feels right – we still do have a chat here and there. Its kind of nice because in the dark, you feel like you can be more honest. I’ve probably learned more and been impressed by more in those conversations than I’ve ever been with a public display of affection.

LOL…and you know what? I’ve never really articulated that until now. How apropos…

Yeah – I know. Having a little mystery is probably a far cry from a real solution. But it’s a start. I guess my reasoning is that I never want to be bored with my relationship with Lenny. I don’t plan on letting him go or trading him in. And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. So that’s a long time to be together. If I know everything or tell him everything up front – what would be the point?

Life is too short for empty talk and awkward silences.