The Tourist Trap

Dear Spring Training Tourist,

First of all, thank you kindly for the influx of money you have put into Arizona in the last month or so. We really appreciate your gluttony for team related souvenirs and we hope you enjoyed our weather! As a citizen in the home of the Cactus League, we bid you a fond adieu.

And please don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!

Don’t get me wrong – we love having you visit. But like The Snowbirds, we can’t miss you if you don’t go! And to be truly honest, a majority of you we can deal with. It’s the loud, obnoxious, and clueless 10% of you that get on our ever loving nerves!

However, l understand that we need you like flowers need the rain in the desert. So in the interest of co-existing next year and not getting killed by a local, I need to have a one-sided dialogue with you visitors. Please don’t think of this as a lecture or a slight against you. Think of this as a friendly guide you can stow away until you come to visit our sunny vistas next year.

Left Side, Strong Side!

Oh East Coasters. I admit I’m in love with your cities and your lifestyle. The way you dress, the way your winters are actually winters. What I don’t admire is your blustery attitude towards the Wild Wild West. Yes, I know NYC has the best pizza. Yeah, yeah…nothing beats Beantown in the spring. But that doesn’t mean the Southwest is a bunch of pansies! If you’re going to get into a pissing match with me regarding what’s better – be ready to throw down! You have no idea what winter really is! Oh yeah? Let’s see you survive 115-degree summers. But it’s a dry heat. Screw you…hot is HOT. Your public transportation is for crap! At least our freeways a better planned out than the game of twister you cram into your city centers. Your state is run by a lesbian...ALLEGEDLY. Ah, yeah…at least she’s not spending my money on hookers or pretending to be straight! As you can see – we’re tougher than you think. And besides, you know what a westerner is, right? It’s an East Coaster who wanted more of a challenge.

Clothing IS NOT Optional! Neither is TASTE, Gentlemen.

Where you come from is still cold with 40-50 degree days. I can understand where our 70-80 degree paradise is desirable to you. As a local, I would love it if it could stay this way through the spring and the summer. But for the love of Pete: KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON AT THE BALLPARK! We here in the desert have had a month to work on tanning our skin. You, on the other hand, hit the ground looking (at times) like the snow covered hills you left. And the resemblance involves color AND shape. Don’t kid yourself either…you don’t tan, you turn red then burn. Just because you CAN take off your shirt, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Spring training parks are an intimate setting of about 7,000 fans. Have a little respect and keep your “moobs” (a.k.a. MAN BOOBS) to yourself! Oh…and ditch the socks and sandals look too. We paid to watch the game, not a version of What Not to Wear.

You’re Messing with My (Traffic) Flow.

Ballgames generally start between noon and 1pm. Gates to the ballpark probably open an hour before the first pitch. Game takes 2 to 2 ½ hours. Take into account that you can probably hubbub with your team for autographs as early as 8am; this is more than enough time to get in and out of the ballpark and all your shopping done before rush hour gets going at about 4:30pm/5pm. Oh but noooooo! For whatever reason, a lot of you wait until the last minute to leave and get pissed when traffic won’t yield to you! I’m talking to you Mr. Bird Flippy McFlipperson near Papago Park! It’s not my fault you didn’t wrap up your tailgate party when the majority of the sane people left. And who freakin’ tailgates at PHOENIX MUNI anyway?! Have you been to the parking lot lately?! You already take up a ton of our public parking during the season…give us our roads back!

Clothing IS NOT Optional! Neither is TASTE, Ladies.

Let’s keep things civil and simple, shall we ladies? I want to frame this by saying that I don’t begrudge your fashion sense. You have some very stylish pieces, but like your male brethren…sometimes a little guidance is needed. If you need to shop at a specialty store like Lane Bryant, it’s probably best to keep the tube top in the suitcase. The big floppy Antebellum South hat you wear to keep the sun off your face? Save that for the Kentucky Derby. Support the economy you visit…buy a visor or cap so the rest of us can watch the game. Metal bleacher steps are definitely anti-high heels. And seriously…HEELS AT A BASEBALL GAME?! The pitchers have a hard enough time catching the signs from their teammates and coaches. Please do not contribute to the problem by flashing your wares in booty shorts and an oversized tank top over the third base line railing. We are here to watch and admire, not catch a husband. And finally: Men dig that you can be the girl that’s “One of the Guys.” But NO ONE likes that girl to be a sloppy drunk…EVER!

Well, I hope this information has been helpful. Please understand that it is given with love and concern for East/Southwest relations.

Now hurry up and get out.

(I KID! COME BACK SOON!)

Warmest Regards,

Lily White
Baseball Fan
Resident of the State of Arizona