Going Supernova

Dear Mrs. Jones-Reynolds,

Just when I thought you couldn’t shock me any more…you go and do it.

After my last letter to you, I didn’t think I’d have cause to communicate. You shed your poundage and The View fame, I parted from you a disappointed fan. Frankly, I thought you were at 14:59 in the fame department and would forever languish on Court TV melding together a career as a suit and talking head.

I should have known better…right?

Today, I read that you’re headlining the latest issue of Glamour. In an exclusive and heart-wrenching article, you let it all out. You empty the demons out of your soul and are ready to speak the truth. The climax of it all being that you tell us how you lost 160 lbs.

Your secret: Gastric Bypass Surgery.

Thank you Captain Obvious and Transparent Truth Brigade! I think we could see that coming from across the universe. Basically, you just admitted what everyone else knew all along. If I seem a bit underwhelmed at this bit of news, I am. Good for you! You finally got it off your chest. Hoo-rah for Star Jones-Reynolds!

But that does not mean that I still don’t have a bone to pick with you, counselor.

I read your interview/confessional piece with Glamour. While your tale is one of self-discovery and mirrors many a woman’s story – something bugs me about it. I commend you for being honest with yourself and facing insecurities, problems, and double-standards women of size (formerly or current) wrestle with on a daily basis in such a public manner. You are obviously on your way to becoming a happier person. If more women understood themselves earlier, I think a lot of the self-doubting problems go away.

I’m not mad at you for taking the surgical route. Weight and health are hard battles…it’s easy just to say “Screw it all! Band up my stomach!” And I fall right in step with you when you talk about the side-long glances and the unsaid “fat girl” remarks when someone compliments your face or your personality instead of the way you look.

Oh no…what really gets me is that you offer reason after reason after reason for keeping it private (It was the “only truth I could handle at the time” and “I was afraid to be vulnerable, and ashamed at not being able to get myself under control without this procedure…”), but you don’t address two very important issues.

Do you know what kind of message you sent when you tried to convince the world that you lost all that weight with diet and exercise? Whether you wanted to or not, you set yourself up to be this model of doing things “the right way.” While most of us saw through that, I’m sure there are countless women who desperately wanted to believe. Little did they know you said it because you were sick of the rumors, but were not yet strong enough to admit the truth. You gave false hope to many women out there who decide to legitimately bust their asses trying to slim down because if Star can do it…so can I!

SHAME ON YOU! While you were dropping dress sizes, these sisters in size were banging their heads into the wall wondering why they weren’t experiencing the same results.

And then there’s the fact that you seemingly loving your full-figured self! You constantly tell us in the article that you were kidding yourself. You told yourself you were PHAT and not FAT. At one point you say, “I could clearly remember the days when I’d considered myself fly and curvaceous. Funny – or sad – how we ‘thick’ girls can justify being excessively overweight...”

Are you saying that those of us who have come to terms with our weight (and mind you, trying to keep a healthy lifestyle) are lying to ourselves? I’m a size 24…I have been for the last 10 years of my life. I make no excuses for the fact that I could have kept this weight off when I was younger – BUT I REFUSE TO NOT LOOK AND FEEL MY BEST AT THIS SIZE! I work hard, I play hard, and I live big.

Your words make me feel like you’ve taken sides. It’s like you’re saying that all the chubby girls are kidding themselves, how do you know? Because you USED TO be one of us. Now with your new thin body, we’re no longer strong, beautiful women who love what God gave them, but delusional harpies who need to see the light.

And to think – I used to use you as a role model for the teenage girls I work with.

Again, I’m glad you’re coming to terms with your lifestyle choice. But I can’t say that I can respect as I once did. Your denial of your surgery sent the wrong message to a gender that gets judged on their looks first, minds last. You missed an opportunity to be a positive, redeeming role model.

Just like every other star in celebrity – you went all supernova on us and sold out.

But at least you’re skinny, right?

Regards,

Lily White
Bitter Former Fan

We Are Our Own Entertainment

We’re baaaaaaaaack! Okay, sort of…

We are back from our fabulous trip to Toronto (High-fives to those of you who got the picture clues!). It was a blast! I thought I was going to do my usual MGF rundown…but after some inspiration, I’m working on a little side project. So, bear with me if you’re looking for my usual travelogues! It’s a little labor of love, but I hope to have something soon. Stay tuned!

And while there is a post tonight…it’s a little thin as Lenny is recuperating from a planned minor foot surgery that occurred the day after we got back into town. He’s being a good patient, but it’s taking up some time.

So instead of my irrational musings, I leave you some highlights (or lowlights) of the one-liner marathon that was Lily and Lenny’s Toronto Vacation:

“Whoa. That car came out of nowhere…”
“Lenny, let’s file that under ‘Things I never want to hear you say on vacation ever again!’”
- Pulling out of the Hertz parking garage, less than one hour into vacation

“I promise not to make fun of your old lady driving skillz if you get us to the hotel safely!”
- Lily as Lenny merges onto the freeway.

“We’re on an adventure.”
- The White Family motto whenever a wrong turn was taken on the way to the hotel.

“Am I the only one concerned we’re driving on a trolley track?”
“Um no…but I had made that whole promise not to make fun of your driving skillz…”

“Only we can turn a trip from the airport to the hotel into a three hour tour…”

“Maybe everything is metric…including customer service?”
- Lily during dinner at Gretzky’s Restaurant waiting for a drink refill.

“I’m going 120 Mr. Semi Truck! ISN’T THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!”
- Lily conveniently forgetting the car is showing KPH, not MPH on the way to Niagara Falls.

“I smell like Niagara Falls…which apparently smells like wet dog.”
- Lily shaking off the mist of nature.

“It’s smoked meat, Lily. I don’t think it matters if it’s from Montreal...it’s going to be good.”
- Lenny at the Pickle Barrel Restaurant trying to convince Lily to decide on a sandwich.

“Just slap Canada at the end of everything…”
- Lenny’s observation on how the natives differentiate network channels they share with the U.S.

“You can’t hate them out of the sky, honey.”
- Lenny’s subtle way of telling Lily to leave the prevalent sea gull’s in the city alone.

“You know what would be cool? If you put a Tim Horton’s on one corner, a Starbuck’s on the other and watch them duke it out.”
- Lenny’s wish for Canada's coffee barons to have a death match.

Where in the World is Lily?

Okay, MGF Faithful...I'm outta here for the week.

In the (very) early morning tomorrow, I'll be jetting away with Lenny on our vacation! Don't cry...you know I'll be back!

So, where am I going? I'll give you three guesses...

...think I'm going to run into you?

Catch ya later peeps!

BrownSuga's Sweet Spot: Let Me Clear My Throat

In case you haven't noticed I haven't posted in a while. I was moving 1000 miles away. Now I thought that when I finally got settled I'd write my first blog in my new state about any of many things that happened during my move, our apartment getting broke into, us wrecking the moving truck, our 2am excursion into one of the richest cities in the country by accident or just how I'm adjusting to my new surroundings. Then this morning I read an article from Newsweek that was posted on MSNBC.com and I had to share it.

A while ago our very own Lily White wrote about the same topic and it was great. Here is another "blog" about a topic that has increasingly become prevalent in my life. And I've gone to, some might call them, extreme measures to put an end to it. Those who think I get a bit extreme just don't truly understand what some of us are going through so here is someone else's account of being married with no children, enjoy...

Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock

If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going to need some better role models.

By Carrie Friedman

Newsweek

July 23, 2007 issue - I am at a party chatting with a woman I know slightly. As her young son squirms out of her embrace, she slips her hand under my shirt. She's not getting fresh with me. She's touching my tummy with her cold hand and asking me, in a concerned voice, "Why aren't you pregnant yet?" I smile, break free from her touch, and head to the food table to fill said empty belly with her brat's birthday cake.

I love children and definitely plan on having them. Maternal instinct is oozing out of my pores: I've infantilized my dogs; I've gotten down on my hands and knees at the park with babies I barely know. My marriage is wonderful and solid, and we are both blessed with good health. I've been a nanny, a teacher, a youth-group leader. I've taken childhood-development courses solely for the purpose of someday raising happy, balanced children. I have always looked forward to becoming a mother.

So why don't I have kids or even the inkling right now? It's because of you. Yes, you: the fanatical mothers of the world. It may seem like ages ago now, but you weren't always like this. You, too, were sneering at the obnoxious parents who brought their infants to fancy, adult, nighttime restaurants or R-rated movies and let them carry on, ruining things for other patrons. You've been terrible advertising for the club that you so desperately need others to join.

If you want me to join your ranks—and you've made it clear with your cold, clammy hands on my stomach that recruiting my uterus is of paramount importance to you—I need to set some ground rules.

First, please stop asking me when I'm going to get pregnant.

For all you know, I cannot have kids. For all I know, I cannot have kids, as I have not yet tried. But imagine how painful this line of interrogation would be if I had submitted to all kinds of procedures, only to come up empty-wombed. It would be emotionally devastating. Yet ever since the day after my wedding two years ago, I have fielded this question from the eye doctor, the dental assistant, my yoga teacher, the bagger at the grocery store. All of them feel entitled to ask. Don't. It's none of your business.

Next, don't completely abandon your own life and passions. You're setting a bad example for aspiring mothers-to-be like me.

I recently expressed my happiness over an achievement I had at work to a mother-friend of mine. She said, dripping with condescension, "Well, you don't know happiness until you've had a baby."

That's very possible, but don't rain on my parade, as I've never said to you, "Remind me, when you went to that expensive college you majored in diaper-rash prevention, right?"

I happen to love my job. It fulfills me in ways no other person—even a child—could. I learned through my own mother's example that the best lesson you can teach your kids is to pursue their passions. It's not selfish to have your own life. In fact, it's selfish not to.

Now let's talk a bit about manners, as in please teach your children some. The world has rules, and kids should learn them. And being well mannered does not infringe on their individuality and freedom.

I crouched to meet the eye line of an acquaintance's 4-year-old to greet her, and in response, she punched me in the face so hard my mouth bled. What was more baffling was the mother's reaction: nothing to the child, but to me she said very sternly: "You really shouldn't talk down to kids."

I also shouldn't be punched in the face by kids whose parents don't know how to set basic boundaries. Experiences like this don't exactly encourage me to hurry up and get pregnant.

Finally, don't make your kid an extension of your own narcissism.

No one could possibly love your kids as much as you do, so stop inflicting them on others. Don't bring your kid to adult parties when you're not sure if it's kid-friendly. If they didn't invite your kid, they don't want your kid there. If you don't want to get a babysitter, stay home.

My husband thinks some people, particularly mothers, behave in these ways because it helps them validate their own choices. But he doesn't truly understand how infuriating it is, and that's because nobody badgers men with questions about procreation.

Becoming a parent was your decision, and I am thrilled for you. All I'm asking is that you let me make that choice in my own time. And keep your hands off my belly.

Friedman lives in Los Angeles.

© 2007 Newsweek, Inc. | Subscribe to Newsweek

Well I'll Be Damned...

You know...I always thought Lenny's feelings about ferrets were a bit extreme. Sure, they kind of smell and they have a face only a mother could love, but dubbing them "Dirty Weasel Vermin" struck me as irrational.

Then I saw this commercial tonight:



I, Lillian T. White, who is of this moment sober and in sound mind and body, do solemenly submit this statement:

LENNY WHITE WAS RIGHT.

FERRETS ARE EVIL.

...let's not speak of this again, shall we?

You Say Eco-Friendly, I Say Extremist?

The August 2007 edition of Utne Reader carried on its banner the headline: What You Need to Know About Soy. The article, written by Mary Vance (from Terraine magazine) discusses the hidden dangers about America’s favorite health food.

Apparently, the non-native soy plant and soy derived products that we have held in high regard for many years as the poster child for health food are actually BAD FOR US. Now, I like soy products, having grown up with tofu and soy milk mixed into our meat and vegetable diet on a regular basis. However, I was pretty aghast as I read the following information provided in the Utne Reader about some of our favorite soy “health” foods:

Tofu: “Soy milk, curdled and pressed into cubes of varying firmness...A non-fermented product, tofu contains antinutrients, which can block the absorption of essential minerals.”

Soy Milk: “A processed beverage made of ground soybeans mixed with water and boiled, which removes some toxins. Sugar is added to improve flavor. An eight-ounce serving contains up to 35-milligrams of isoflavones, which may change estrogen levels and hormonal function.”

After reading such tidbits of information, it made me rethink my Grande Iced Soy Caramel Macchiato I was thinking of getting tomorrow morning. This may explain some of the crazy mood swings I’ve been having. SOY IS OUT TO KILL ME! I knew it wasn’t just me being irrational!

…but I digress…

A little over a decade ago, the issue of saving the planet and ourselves came to the forefront. We started recycling paper, plastic, and glass. Hybrid cars and alternative fuels are making their way into the market place. Cities try keep nature’s surrounding in mind when planning sprawl. Cheers organic; Jeers to pesticides! Boo synthetic fabric; Hoorah for hemp cloth! Clearly, we are stumbling in the right direction…but is it worth it?

Vance’s article is just another in a line of articles I’ve been reading lately regarding the state of environmental affairs. If soy can kill me, what else out there that’s Green and healthy that’s bad? Thank goodness for Google!

I came across a blog bit regarding the age old argument of cloth diapers versus disposable diapers. Apparently, the more environmentally “safe” cloth ones are just as horrible for the environment as their plastic counterparts. For years I’ve personally wondered what turned such a good idea like PETA into anti-human culture (You seriously think a chicken should have more rights than me?). And Al Gore’s musical crusade to stop global warming known as Live Earth, turned out to be a financial and environmental disaster.

Apparently, environmentalists have to live with a new Inconvenient Truth: They’re killing the planet just as fast as the rest of us unenlightened humans.

The quiet and ugly little shadow setting in above the heads of our Green-Until-I-Die-Processed-Food-Is-Evil friends is basically the one maxim I know is true in human life. As my grandmother used to tell me, “Too much of anything is bad. Anak, even too much water will kill you!” Life as we know it succeeds only when we can find balance. Whether it’s too many emissions or too much soy, EXCESS ALWAYS KILLS.

It is an admirable thing to want to make our lives better environmentally. We only have one Earth, and last time I checked, we weren’t as advanced as the folks on Battlestar Galactica that we can hope aboard space ships and seek out some new digs. So yeah – we should take care of what we have. However, are a few dozen Snickers bars over my lifetime really going to kill me?

No matter how you cut it…being extremely green/healthy is just as bad as being extremely ignorant of the problems we face as the human race on the planet Earth. When it comes to these matters, we really need to do the whole Column A + Column B thing. There’s room for everyone! Telling me that I’m killing the Earth and myself because I’m not using solar panels or washing my clothes by the river bank on a rock or enjoy eating Coco Puffs rather than Grapenuts just smacks of fundamentalism.

…and we all know how much the world loves fundamentalists!

Pop Quiz...

As your resources you have:


5 Rolls of Saran Wrap
4 Bags of latex, "Happy Birthday" balloons (15 count)
4 Other co-workers with a mind for mischief and mayhem
2 Hours after lunch
1 Big red ribbon
1 "Yes" from your Executive Boss
1 Double sized cubicle
1 Boss who took the day off before her birthday


What do you do now, Hotshot? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!


...do what we did last week:





Got a better birthday prank? Show me :-)

Self-Indulgent Catharsis

Customer Service is a tricky thing. Most businesses centered around a service philosophy about making their customers happy. This is a good thing and the most important thing about customer service. If the customer isn’t happy, you are up the creek! And in most cases, I think businesses do a good job at it. I think it should go without saying that most businesses aim to please their customers to the best of their ability.

For those of your slackers who give us a bad name: WAKE THE HECK UP!

However, the hardest thing about customer service is the fact that we actually have to DEAL with CUSTOMERS. For every one customer we love to help and go to the ends of the earth for, there are 20 very bad customers who make you want to take up drugs and alcohol. And judging by websites such as CustomersSuck.com, I am not the only person who thinks this way.

I do try to keep a stiff upper-lip about angry customers. I mean, they’re human. They’re allowed human emotions! I would feel the same way if I were in their position. But what REALLY gets under my skin? When someone goes off and embellishes the true and slams on the blame because they’re angry. You see, it never really works out well for a customer who decides to scream/write from the hip just so they can say, “I sure told them!” Getting your rocks off screaming at me only lands you in a very bad place, my dear customer.

It lands you on my blog* with my own smart ass commentary that I SHOULD HAVE wrote to you!

I sure told you…

*Look, I still love my job and would like to keep it. All names and pertinent info have been removed to protect the not-so-innocent…mainly yours truly.

What the Customer Said

I have I have been unable to make my payment on your lousy website:

1. Never received a bill for this quarter [Lily’s Commentary: Technically not my problemo, I just process the payments!]
2. I tried to pay THREE times with information I used LAST quarter, AND THAT WORKED!
3. I will not be responsible for late charges because THIS IS YOUR FAULT
4. This is our last attempt to resolve YOUR issue.

The next called will be excalated [Lily’s Commentary: I probably would have taken them more seriously if I didn’t die laughing every time I read the world “excalated.”] and you may not want to know to who!!! [Lily’s Commentary: I want to know who. Really…I do!]

How Lily Responded

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your e-mail.

I have received your issue and have researched your well made points. I also took the liberty of pulling up your previously successful payment. [This should be an ominous sign of your demise…BWAH AH AH AH!]

Per the computer database, I show you made two payments on July 2nd and 3rd [Three payments, my sweet rear! LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!]. After further research, we show that the payment was rejected due to an incorrect account number format [Yep, YOUR fault…not OURS!]. As the website example states, the account number must be entered exactly as it appears on your bill [If you bothered to pay attention to the THREE different times it’s listed, you wouldn’t be in this mess!].

Your previous payment information is valid. I highly recommend using this information to resubmit a new payment [Next time, don’t fat finger it!!!].

Please resubmit a new payment with the correct information at your earliest convenience [Like, now maybe?]. I will go ahead and forward our correspondence to the business partner that contracted us to process the payment so that they are aware of the situation [So they too can see that this is YOUR screw up!]. If terms of whether or not a late fee will be charged, please contact our business partner at 408-555-5445. Waivers are at the discretion of the business partner [Man, I hope they charge you double!].

I hope this information has been helpful. Please do not hesitate to contact us back if you require further assistance [But since WE were right and YOU were wrong, I’ll never hear from you again because my research skillz TOTALLY SCHOOLED YOU!].

Thank you,

Lillian T. White
Customer Service (Goddess)

You Have the Next Food Network Star in Your Backyard!

I tried. Really I did.

As one of the mindless food idiots that Anthony Bourdain (a.k.a. “The Great Food Mind Known for Being an A**hole”) so gleefully says makes up the viewing audience of the Food Network, I really wanted to like the finalists on the third season of the network’s reality show. But I just can’t.

Most of the finalists just GET ON MY LAST NERVE! As with all reality programming, you just see the worst of people brought out in these stressful situations. And more often than not – you find your self saying, “Egads…these guys are ANNOYING!” Between the break neck speed of the challenges (You have 45-minutes to shop and that includes your travel time…GO!), the unrealistic expectations of the judging panel (Maybe they don’t look good on camera because THEY’VE NEVER BEEN ON CAMERA!), and the shear emotional wussiness of some of the contestants…why would I want to vote for them? As Lenny and I viewed tonight’s episode that decided the final three, we FINALLY chose someone we could just stand (GO AMY!)!

But I began to wonder as the season moved along: Why are they looking for another Food Network Star?

Food Network has dozens of shows that run through their programming on a yearly basis. Because they never really have determined when “new” seasons begin and “old” seasons end, you’re treated to a variety of good food programming. In between Food Network All-Stars like Paula Deen, Emeril Lagasse, Alton Brown, and crossover sensation, Rachel Ray, there are some gems in their line-up.

So rather than find an untested and raw talent (which seems to cause FN programming head Bob Tuschman fits) or give Bobby Flay yet ANOTHER show where he can get his ass kicked, how about looking at your farm system? You have tons of already home popular names that your audience is DYING to see more of! These chefs already have a fan base and more than a few hours of face time on your network.

Instead of rewarding those whiners from TNFNS, consider the following for your programming line-up:

She could cook in a burlap sack and the guys would STILL watch!

Cat Cora – Why, oh WHY does this woman not have her own show yet? My favorite Iron Chef has been holding her own against a male dominated industry for years before entering the venerated Kitchen Stadium. In my opinion, she’s the best thing on Iron Chef: America. I think Cat should have her own show because I dig her Hellasian (Greek/Asian) fusion food. She’s unpredictable and you just never know what’s she’s going to put out there at the end of 60-minutes! And being a looker doesn’t hurt, Food Network. Following in the footsteps of her Food Network colleague, Rachel Ray, Cora brought cooking to the attention of helpless men everywhere last year in a spread for the now defunct, Men’s rag, FHM. HELLLLOOOO FOOD NETWORK…is anyone home? Cat Cora is one fetching gal with a cooking mind sharper than a set of Wusthof knives. Please cut down on Bobby Flay’s screen time and give my favorite Iron Chef some T.V. love!

Keegan and Alton Brown...seperated at birth?

Keegan Gerhard – We all know how much I LOVE Food Network Challenge. GRRRR…there are only so many times I can watch the Cartoon Cake Challenge or the Teppanyaki Challenge! I’m just hoping that they run out of ideas soon. And when they do, I hope they’ll give commentator/Best-Thing-On-the-Damn-Show, Keegan Gerhard, a show of his own. Gerhard is considered by and large one of the top pastry chefs in the United States. A former cyclist, Gerhard is tasked on FNC with color commentary and explanations of cooking/baking nuances. What I like about Gerhard is he can break it down real easy like for us novices. Most newbies to gourmet cooking are intimidated by ingredients, terms, and perceived snootiness. But Gerhard channels an Alton “Food Encyclopedia” Brown vibe and mixes it with the efficiency of a Swiss watch. His humorous demeanor at these nerve racking events are a welcome breath of fresh air. So please…for all thing Food Network holy…get him out of that crap job on FNC!! Let Keegan teach us how to make great pastry in our very own kitchens. Let him roam France and tell us the difference between brioche and choux! You are wasting his talent with color commentary. I want to make a “FREE KEEGAN” bumper sticker…who’s with me?

Dave Lieberman is a GREAT DEAL...IMHO

Dave Lieberman – This is particular one makes me scratch my head and ask, “What were you thinking?” And I mean that on both the Food Network’s and Lieberman’s part. I first became enamored with the Yale alumni in 2005 when he kicked off Good Deal with Dave Lieberman. It was a great show for cooks of varying skill levels how to create great, sophisticated food on a budget. I found his relationship with the camera to be natural and his personality was very engaging. His food knowledge and easy-going demeanor was big with the burgeoning college/professional demographic. After the first season of Good Deal, I was looking forward to more! But 2006 went by without anything new. AWWWW GEEZE, Food Network! Why’d you let this sit on the back burner?! Dave was H-O-T! Unfortunately, there probably won’t be anymore of that, thanks to some odd and outlandish behavior at the Food Network South Beach Wine and Food Fest wherein he made remarks about Martha Stewart possibly having a lesbian encounter while in jail and repeatedly used the term “skanks” during his cooking demo. AWWWW GEEZE, Dave! Did you have to have that third Amstel? Here’s to hoping Lieberman and Food Network can kiss and make up. They’d be crazy not to. Lieberman is accessible, popular, hip, and just at the start of his talented career. You’d be stupid not to tap into that! If people can forgive celeb-trash like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, surely they can forgive Dave!

Please Food Network! Why reinvent the wheel! You have some perfect good ones in your own backyard! I don’t think I can ever forgive you if Joshua A. Garcia wins! I refuse to JAG my food up!

MGF Movie Review: Transformers

Go. See. This. Movie.

For once, Michael Bay gets it right. After the over-inflated and over-hyped kerplunks that was Armageddon and Pearl Harbor; me and my fanboy/fangirl buddies were resigned to the fact that this movie was is going to SUCK! After watching the trailers, we agreed that the special effects were going to be AWESOME! But c’mon. It’s MICHAEL BAY.

Thank goodness we were wrong. By a lot.

Transformers was an entertaining 2 hours and 23 minutes. The 10:45 pm crowd that took over the movie theatre on Tuesday night rather enjoyed themselves. I don’t think the word “suck” ever left anyone’s lips after the lights went down. In fact, what followed after the credits was one fun ride of a movie.

The premise of the movie follows the basic structure of The Transformers cartoon series that aired here in the U.S. during the 1980s. The Autobots, led by their fearless leader, Optimus Prime come to Earth in order to help their war torn planet, Cybertron. Battling against their intentions is a gang of Decepticons with Megatron in the lead (but very little screen time). What makes the battle a little different this in this version is that both groups are after the elusive Allspark – a mysterious cube that holds untold power. As I watched the movie, I came up with the following cinematic analogy:

Allspark : Transformers :: Windex : My Big Fat Greek Wedding

That’s right…the cube is a cure all. So naturally, everyone wants it. In the eyes of the Autobots, it can end the war and save Cybertron. But because they’re the universe’s bad asses, the Decepticons just want it to destroy everything. Even if it means crippling our planet and enslaving humans as pets.

Speaking of the humans – the cast of characters is highlighted by Shia LaBeouf’s portrayal of Sam Witwicky (“Spike” for you purists). LaBeouf just knows how to play the loveable (and cute) geek that you still want to hang out with at the end of the day. I think I laughed the hardest at Sam’s initial pursuit of the film’s ingénue, Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox). With a little assist from Bumblebee and some 80’s tunes. Rounding out the ensemble human cast are some big names like Josh Duhamel (NBC’s Las Vegas) and R & B singer Tyrese Gibson as members of a special forces squadron; John Turturro as a secret government agent; and Jon Voight as Defense Secretary John Keller.

But Lily...WHAT ABOUT THE FREAKIN’ ROBOTS!?!?!

Oh Prime, you had me at "rollout."

There have been some conflicting numbers as to how much the budget for this movie was. Since the robots and the humans were going 50-50 on the screen time, the CGI costs ALONE could bank roll a small Third World country. Regardless, IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY!!! My two favorite Transformers of all time are Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. I would have cut a bee-otch if Michael Bay had screwed it up. In fact, when I found out Bumblebee was going to be a Camaro, I almost didn’t go.

They’re flawless. Perfect. It makes you want to cry when you see Prime first transform from a Peterbilt truck to a stories-high tower of might. And they aren’t shot/programmed with trick shots. Oh no, when you see the robots, they’re on screen and they’re LIVE. They move with fluidity that has not been seen with computer generated graphics. The Autobots and Decepticons are characters all their own. Don’t believe me? Check out Frenzy’s performance and tell me he isn’t better than that pansy hack Gollum.

Of course the movie has its flaws. The movie script is a three pronged storyline. Only two of them really mattered. You could have dropped the computer specialists and used the additional time to smooth out the fight scenes. And the fight scenes themselves, while awesome in its robot death matches, often times seemed like a jumbled Katamari Damacy of noise, sound, and blurs of action. More punches, less wrestling please!

And while I can appreciate Bay’s attention to the fact that giant robots fighting can and will turn a city into rubble – I find it hard to believe no one was severely injured with all the falling debris from buildings, laser blasts, and robo-destruction. I know we’re supposed to suspend our belief and that giant robots are FAR from reality…but give us a little credit (even in a PG-13 environment)!

Despite all this – I LOVE this movie! As a fan of the cartoon series, I think Bay did a good job not letting the fans down (Did you hear that BRETT RATNER?!). Bay kept the characters we loved intact and kept the franchise honest. If you’re a non-fan, I think you’ll find enough in this movie to keep you entertained!

Happy 4th of July!

Well kiddos...it's that time of the year again!

I hope that everyone has a great 4th of July holiday tomorrow! Please enjoy your activities safely and take a moment to remember how lucky we are!

In lieu of some regular content, I leave you with this little tidbit from YouTube. Since the 4th is about fireworks, I figured why not post a video about you probably shouldn't be doing (but secretly admit that you thought of it first!). It's amazing what you can find when you type the words "firework" and "idiot" into the search engine.

Again -- enjoy the day off folks! We'll catch you at another time!

WARNING: If you have impressionable children, boyfriends, roommates, and/or husbands...you may not want to view this video in their presence.

Lily’s Current Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

Plus Sized Tube Tops – NO, NO…A THOUSAND TIMES NO! How many times do I have to tell you ladies? Just because it’s in your size doesn’t mean you have to buy or wear it! The plus sized tube top that is sported in many summer collections is just plain WRONG. Why create and sell something to a bigger girl that most skinny girls CAN’T PULL OFF?!?! The line between HOT and NOT is a very thin one for those of us who are Plus-Size Clothing Divas. One move in the wrong direction, and you could be drawing the wrong kind of attention to yourself with your wardrobe. Most of us are the statuesque curvy or a 14-16 in the right height! If you shudder at the thought of wearing a bathing suit, what makes you think a tube top is better? There’s a difference between being proud about how you look and being downright offensive to the sight of others. Think of it this way Zaftig Sisters: Big can be beautiful…if you know what works for you. We generally despise skanks who show too much skin. Don’t become one of them.

Spice Girls Reunion – When the all female UK Fab Five recently announcing a December-January 11 date tour, I kind of shuddered. You made millions of dollars back in the late 90’s off of “Girl Power.” Don’t tell me you spent it all already! Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell (a.k.a. The Yoko of the Group) stated that they wanted to do the tour because of a sense of nostalgia. She also said, “I like to think our songs are universal and timeless.” NOSTALGIA?! TIMELESS?! Ladies, your last album came out in 2000. Seven years is hardly time enough to determine that. I have shoes older than your retirement. So what is it really? Does Scary Spice need back-up in case Eddie Murphy refuses to pay up child support? Does Posh need an excuse to go on a feeding binge to get above 100-pounds (Seriously…how can you not look at her and think “Skeletor?”)? Give us the real reason! Tell us what you want…what you really really want!

Cell Phone Charms – So, I’m flipping through Audrey Magazine and I get to the back page. In their “Cultural Collage” section, readers discussed the merits of “phone charms.” Maybe I’m just old fashioned or horribly out of style – but phone charms are a mystery to me. Like designer doggie purses and toe thongs, I end up asking myself WHY WOULD SOMEONE NEED THIS? I can’t fathom paying upwards of $15 for something that’s just going to dangle on my antennae! If Hello Kitty is going to swing from my phone, you’d at least better help my reception! Heck, for that price, I want it to DIAL the numbers for me. Seriously folks, accessories like this make me think we’ve gone too far as a “Bling Culture.” It’s a phone, folks…not a channel for self-expression!!!

Rock of Love – Congratulations VH1! You are this year’s winner of the “Beating a Dead Horse Until It’s a Pulpy Mess Award!” It wasn’t enough that you inflicted the worlds with TWO editions of the skeeze-fest called “The Flavor of Love,” but you managed to diabolically spin off the format into the horrible “I Love New York” and somewhat redeemable “Charm School.” In all cases, American was treated to glimpses at how our society is going down the crapper personality-wise. All were ratings successes (much to my chagrin) and a boon to your programming. You’d think you would have stopped while you were ahead. But nooooooooo. Not only are you giving the reprehensible Tiffany Pollard (and her repulsive mother, Sister Patterson) another shot at “I Love New York,” but you’re also giving die hard hair metal fans their own version with “Rock of Love.” Bret Michaels, former front man of the band Poison, will sift through 20 star struck groupies – I mean women – in search of true love. Because as we all know that people fall in love on reality shows because of deep and meaningful relationships. It’s not at all because of some modern day, twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome!