Things That Have Caught My Fancy

Here we go MGF readers! Another list of things that make Lily’s world go round!

1. Maria Sharapova’s New Nike Ad – OMG…this commercial cracks me up! If you haven’t seen it, this is the cornerstone of Nike’s new “Pretty” campaign where they focus on the beauty of a woman playing sport rather than the beauty of the woman. The ad has Sharapova going through her pre-tennis game life with those around her singing the lyrics to the Broadway classic, “I Feel Pretty.” It’s clever, funny, and fitting. Also, it’s a good spot for tennis. It’s been quite awhile since the tennis world had a bonafide star on their hands…that could actually swing a racquet (Yeah…I just called you out, Anna Kournikova!). Since her 2004 Wimbledon Championship, the media has been crowning the blonde Russian as the next coming. Currently ranked #4 in the world going into the U.S. Open, it’s a pretty good bet. I like Sharapova; she makes things interesting and doesn’t seem like a stuffy tennis princess.

2. Fish Gotta Blog – My cousin's husband (and faithful MGF reader), sent me an e-mail with the link to this blog, writing that “I used to work with this guy and he is very smart and descriptive. He moved up to Seattle and I miss him terribly.” I figured I owed him the looksie. We share the same kind of reading preferences and he’s still kind of pissed that I got him hooked on a particular internet cartoon I reviewed here a few weeks ago (Okay, the words “I hate you for getting me hooked on this!” were pretty convincing). So I finally checked it out when I had a free moment. I really enjoyed it! Phil, the proprietor of the blog, has a very candid P.O.V. And his dry wit is just the right tone that leaves me on the floor cracking up while everyone else is still trying to get the joke. Go on, check it out. It’s a slice of daily life you get hooked on like the ubiquitous Starbucks that line the streets of Phil’s hometown.

3. Project Runway – I’ve been nursing this little fashion addiction of mine since the first season. Fact: I’m a clothes whore. And while I really enjoyed the first two seasons, I have to say that Season 3 IS THE BEST! We’re about halfway through it and we’ve already had one designer get kicked off the show for cheating, another designer finding out she’s pregnant, and yet another designer making the mother of one of his competitors CRY. I have watched each and every episode twice this season. The designers are better, flashier, and bitchier than ever! Each design challenge has me going, “How are they going to pull THAT off?” Lo and behold…they almost never disappoint. Ohhh…the infighting is the best. Jeffery is wayyyy better than last season’s Santino as the bad guy. Why? Somehow, someway, I know Jeffery actually MEANS what he says. That kind of honesty (while self-delusional at times on Jeffery) is hard to come by on television. And how cool is design mentor, Tim Gunn?! I can’t wait to see how this season ends! Check out Project Runway on Wednesday nights on Bravo

4. Ben and Jerry’s “Dublin Mudslide” and Drumsticks – Lenny and I have been on an ice cream kick lately. A little ice cream after a nice dinner is a great way to finish off a hot Arizona night. So, we’ve been experimenting. Right now, these two things keep popping up in the shopping cart! The Dublin Mudslide is an “Irish Cream Liqueur Ice Cream with Chocolate, Chocolate Chip Cookies and a Coffee Fudge Swirl.” I say its friggin’ genius! The taste is just the right amount of chocolate and sweet cream that hits the spot after a long day. And to kick it a little old school, I got re-hooked on Drumsticks. Remember when the ice cream man used to come around your neighborhood and you always knew exactly what you wanted? This was my pick. That tasty waffle cone and the chocolate dipped vanilla scoop is simplicity at its best. Forget the Dairy Queen dipped cones…I’ll shell out for a Drumstick any day!

iNeeds

Fudgesicle Junkie and I were catching up one week while he was completing his move from “country backwater” back into a metropolitan city. It’d been awhile since he’d lived in the city and having spent the better part of a year or so out if it, there was some acclimating to do. Especially in the technology department.

Fudgesicle Junkie: I believe that I may be in love...my new computer is so beautiful. I really love her!

Lily: <---- Cheating on Lenny with her laptop *chuckles*

Fudgesicle Junkie: Keep your laptop away from mine! They'll have an affair and before you know it there will be the pitter patter of an unwanted palm pilot!

Lily: Palm pilots are sooooo passé. It'll be an iPod or something!

Fudgesicle Junkie: I know. But I live in the City now, the financial district. F**king City Boys everywhere, with "unnatural" attachments to their personal electronics!

This past Monday, I was getting ready to go to work. I gathered my purse, my gym bag, and walked out of the house to my car. Settling into the driver’s seat, I realized that I left my iPod Mini back in the house. I got out of the car, unlocked the back gate, opened up the arcadia door, and retrieved the iPod. Locked the house, redid the gate. Got back in the car, strapped in, started the engine.

Then I realized I left my cell phone on the dining table. Affects huge sigh. Repeats process.

Where was my jump drive case? Slams head into steering wheel.

It was then I recalled my conversation with FJ. The “unnatural” attachment to personal electronics isn’t limited to those wacky “City Boys,” my friends. It is everyone!

Cell phones. Gameboy Advanced. MP3 players. Laptops. Portable DVD players. Digital cameras. Satellite radio units. PSPs. Seriously, think about all the gadgets and gizmos that you have involved in your life. I bet they all share the same characteristics. It’s probably small enough to fit in your pocket, it’s highly portable, and/or it runs on a battery for a good amount of time. And apparently, I need them all to make my day work right.

Damn that scares the crap out of me! Four or five years ago, I know I didn’t need all this stuff. I was happy when we got our first lap top…which actually stayed on the desk. My cell phone was never turned on for 24-hours straight. Now, I worry when the battery runs out. OMG! What if I miss a call?!?! It took every ounce of strength in me to leave my laptop at home on a weekend getaway trip last month! And, I’ve been known to say out loud a few times that I’d DIE if I ever lost my iPod.

Hi, I’m Lily White. (Hi Lily!) I am an electronics junkie.

Humans are susceptible to addiction by nature. If that weren’t true, we wouldn’t have drug and alcohol abuse. So, is it any wonder with all the advertising and peer pressure (YES, I said PEER PRESSURE) to have the latest that technology has to offer, that most of us are trading up for the better laptops every year? As fast as new models come out – there we are snapping them up in our hot little hands.

It doesn’t help that we’ve made multi-tasking a way of life either. Remember when a cell phone was JUST A PORTABLE PHONE? Yesterday, one of the account executives at work let me hold his Trio. Not only is it a phone, the Trio is a camera, computer, music player, text messenger, organizer, and personal chef (just kidding). No one sports talk show host, Jim Rome, once referred to his Blackberry as a “Crackberry.” (“I can stop whenever I want to, Clones!”)

Gah! Where does this electronic madness end? I’ve come to the conclusion that I should start by figuring out what I really need/love on a daily basis and NOT what I can fit in my purse.

A jump drive, yes. Three jump drives…not so much. It’s perfectly acceptable to carry my “old school” 4GB iPod with me wherever I go – music makes my world go round. But I am definitely going to pause at buying the 60GB version of the iPod…that’s just way too much multi-tasking for me. The Earth will not shatter if I leave my laptop at home while away. It just means more e-mail when I get back…and really, that’s fine with me. See? I can control this problem! I can overcome my electronics addiction.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I need to spend some quality time with my TiVo.

What? You expect me to go COLD TURKEY?!?!

Chasing Orchid: Ten Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Teacher (Revisited)

Okay so I've been gone a while. Let's just say internet problems, then computer problems, not to mention a new job and a hundred and one things to get done. However, I'm glad to get back to writing, it's a great outlet. So if I'm a little rusty please forgive me, I've been grading less than stellar papers lately, I think it may be rubbing off. *chuckles* Enjoy. ~Orchid

1. You can send your students home at the end of the day.
Okay this is still true but that’s provided your students do their work for the day. My seventh and last period is a pain in the ass!! I have 13 students in a portable room, the majority of whom are boys. I teach juniors in high school so my room is packed.

These kids are ready to go home by the time I get them and work is the last thing on their minds. So I found a way to get them to work. Unfortunately it involves my staying after. I simply told my students that if they didn’t get the work done by the time the bell rang they would be staying after until they finished every last assignment.

Luckily this tactic worked and no one had to stay after…but the threat is still out there.

2. Their minds are like sponges they will soak up any knowledge you wish to impart.
Damn I must have been on some sort of hallucinogen when I wrote that!

3. They always manage to make you laugh.
Well it’s either laugh or cry! Just joking for the most part. My students are actually a pretty good bunch. They love to tease and I have at least one, if not two or more class clowns per period. Of course I do have to keep reminding them that I’ve heard every short joke in the book. *chuckles*

4. You’re always learning.
This one especially holds true for me. I’ve learned some Hawaiian words (some of which I won’t repeat). I’ve learned even more patience and I’ve learned to laugh even more. Oh yeah, and I’ve also learned every which way to form a sentence using curse words. *shakes head*

5. You get to give the tests instead of taking them.
Still true but……sometimes grading those tests is more painful than taking them. Screw it, maybe I’ll just chuck the tests. *grins*

6. The light bulb moment.
Ummmmm still waiting for this one.

7. You’re shaping the minds of the future.
This is still applicable as long as you can get past the blaring iPods, cell phones and chit chat. Let me tell you that can take a whole period in and of itself. Of course *laughs* one can always do what I did and call security when the student won’t give you the phone that’s been going off constantly. Somehow word got around and I really haven’t had much trouble since then. Hmmm I wonder why?

8. The hours rock!
You know…when Lenny wrote his response to my original teaching piece, I yelled at him and told him not to burst my bubble for at least another month or so. I knew the hours were bullshit, but at least for me, I can take my work home with me and do it in relative comfort. For the most part I still get out of work by three at the latest so I can’t complain too much.

9. You get the BIG desk.
Well yeah, I do like having the big desk. Unfortunately I don’t really sit in it much…but it’s nice to look at.

10. June, July, and August
Ummmm well….I teach year round….need I say more?

Sometimes You Just Need Toast

Being the uber-geek couple that we are, Lenny and I really had nothing planned (for once) two Saturdays ago. On the docket was nothing but lunching on leftover spaghetti on our living room couch, watching the special edition DVD of the only anime series that I like. The microwave whirred with our tasty dining option and I decided to put the toaster to good use. As the slice of bread browned in the cradle – I grabbed some butter from the refrigerator. My taste buds were already salivating at the delicious thought of wheat toast and butter. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had it or why I craved it at that moment.

My face lit up as I buttered up the still warm piece of bread. Hurrying, so as to catch the butter before it soaked into the nooks and crannies of the slice, I tore off a chunk with my teeth and chewed elatedly. OMG…it was the best thing since…um…sliced bread! Lenny watched curiously as I devoured the piece joyously. Confronted with his inquisitive stare, I swallowed what was in my mouth.

“What? Sometimes you just need toast.”

I popped the last piece of crusty, buttery goodness into my mouth with a huge grin plastered on my face. It was all so easy. Bread and butter with a little heat had me grinning from ear to ear. My beloved husband shook his head and laughed.

“Honey that is both the deepest and most inane thing I’ve heard today.”

Funny isn’t it? It is the simplest things in life that makes one happy. The silliest part is that enjoying the simplest pleasures in life has become a cliché thrown around by talking heads and self-help wonks so often that we just glaze over when we hear it. We are constantly fed that we should sweat the small stuff or that little things mean a lot. But as a society, we’re numb to it.

However the best part is that it’s all still true, if we just put it to practice.

News update: The world is a hard place to live. We have conflict, illness, and political shenanigans that make the Earth a crazy place to deal with. And your average person, while empowered to make change, faces an uphill battle just existing. Change involves some great effort on all our parts. With these kinds of day to day worries, there’s got to be a release valve somewhere that doesn’t involve the same amount of planning or thought that it takes to launch a battle cruiser.

Sometimes, you just need toast.

How many times have you just wanted to check you brain at the door and vegetate? Maybe you set aside The Economist and pick-up a copy of People. Or perhaps you just want to plug in your head phones and listen to your iPod on a beach somewhere until the batteries run out. When the mental temperature gets high, all you need is a good sunset.

I probably was three million times happier than I had a right to be about a crispy slice of bread. But who gives a damn after a long work week of sidestepping career landmines (And believe me…I was one cranky bitch last week)!? But who knew how simple it was going to be to change my mood? It made me happy and it was enough at that moment and at that time.

It’s weird…I envision my utterance about the happiness toast brings easily becoming a battle cry for societal change. Buttons, t-shirts, bumper stickers on everything! Oh, but who am I kidding? I’ll just be happy if someone reads this post and steals my line to make their friends laugh. See – it really is the simple things!

So, while you’re working through the rat race this week – do try and remember that you can find some relaxation and satisfaction in little things. Find what your toast is and dive into it. It might be the best thing you do all week.

Did You Hear the One About the Clean Joke?

The challenge had come over our office phone. One of my co-workers turned to a group of us in the data entry pool.

"Quick...I need a clean joke."

We all kind of sat there for a moment and looked at each other. We didn’t say anything for a moment. None of us even questioned WHY she needed a clean joke! However, the five of us had the same lines of thought.

Oh, the one about the monkey, the sailor, and the…mmm…nope.

Even better…that one about the 12-inch pianist! Ohhh…no good.

There once was a man from Nantucket…DAMMIT! That’s a limerick!

Do I even know a clean joke?

Turns out I did – but I was discouraged that it took me a couple of minutes to think about it!

Where does it say that all jokes should involved dirty words and sex bits? Can one be funny without resorting to expletives and innuendo? This is not to say I’m a puritan. If you’ve read the blog even for less than a couple weeks – you’ll find that we sometimes let a few ribald comments go.

But sometimes, I mourn the loss of a good, clean joke. There’s something satisfying about delivering a joke that everyone gets. Being able to avoid blushing saying the punchline in front of your grandparents, younger relatives, or clergy person is pretty nifty feat nowadays. Too bad a simple Knock-Knock joke doesn’t cut it anymore.

Does it have to be this way? Well…no. There is a place and time for potty humor, I promise. Sometimes you just need a good laugh gag. But I just can’t believe that we no longer have any good, clean fun!

So – in typical MGF fashion – I make a plea. Build up your own clean joke library. We need more of these jokes in the world, if only to prove to ourselves that we’re smarter than a poop joke. There is fun to be had without a cuss word or a stunning blond carrying a yard of salami into a bar with a poodle on a leash. But it gets kind of old after awhile, don’t you think?

I’ll even start you out with one. Coincidently, it was the joke I gave to my friend that day in the data entry pool. It was the only joke that would pass muster:

A lady is driving home from a business trip and she ends up having to drive through an Indian Reservation. She stops and goes shopping before heading out of town. Along the way, she picks up an old medicine woman who is headed home. The Navajo lady accepts the ride and thanks her. They chit chat for awhile and then the old lady notices a bottle of Navajo wine in a bag on the floor of the car.

The business lady notices her glance and says, "I got that for my husband."

The Navajo lady smiles and nods when she says, "Good trade."

On Lily’s TiVo: “When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts”

I just got finished watching Spike Lee’s two day, four-hour documentary “When the Levees Broke” on HBO (Thank you Direct TV for giving me an East Coast feed!). Now, when one mentions Spike Lee, your first thoughts normally run to his movies such as “Do the Right Thing” or “Bamboozled.” A gifted movie maker, one of the hallmarks of Lee’s films is often the hard and harsh delivery of their messages. It’s normally very black and white (no pun intended). There is good and there is bad, but hardly any middle ground. And because of it, most people’s reaction is to either love him or hate him. He doesn’t float my boat…so normally, I pass on his movies.

Keeping this in mind, I can honestly say that no other person in the industry could have made this documentary.

"When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts” is a powerful and moving record of the destruction that was brought on by last year’s Hurricane Katrina. Lee’s freakishly sick talent as a storyteller shines as he pulls from many resources to piece together who, what, when, where, and why things went the way they did.

Three months after the hurricane hit, Lee and a small crew made the very first of several trips to the ravaged location that is New Orleans, LA. The crew did the requisite interviews of politicians (Gov. Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans’ Mayor Ray Naglin), celebrities who helped raise the awareness of the situation (Harry Belafonte and Kanye West), celebrities who just wanted to lend a hand (Sean Penn), and experts (members of Operation Guardian, engineering experts from all over the U.S., and historians). With these people, the mechanics of the situation are broken down as the facts of the case.

But the stars of this movie are the actual denizens of New Orleans. Their interviews comprise the heart of the story. They put a face to the devastation and remind us that the struggle to survive is strong within human beings. You hear the fear in Phyllis Montana LeBlanc’s voice when she relives her ordeal post-Katrina. We get a view into the depth of history as local after local explains how Katrina will not be the end of one of the world’s most exciting cities. Your heart will squeeze as you hear stories of loss, frustration, and hope from residents who continue to live in places whose names will become as familiar as your own neighborhood.

Gentilly. St. Bernard. Uptown. It’s the story of a very real place with very real faces.

As is usually the case with documentaries, or films in general, is that there is an antagonist and a protagonist. On your usual Spike Lee Joint, that decision is made for you. But in this case, Lee presents facts from both sides. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You might expect him to set out on a witch hunt to set blame somewhere. And there are a great number of fingers to point. However, Lee instead chooses to present footage and interviews in a way to allow the viewer to decide on their own where the blame should be placed.

In an extremely polarizing event, Lee sits back and let’s you create your own personal experience. Hurricane Katrina ranks up there with disasters such as the 1906 Great Quake of San Francisco in terms of the scale of destruction and loss of human life. Lee could easily have made the failure of the system a racial issue. Instead, he pulls back and let’s the audience see the entire picture. And that picture is not pretty as the film also showcases the loss of life and desolate landscape the city has become.

“When the Levees Broke” is definitely a must watch. Like I said recently, once we put distance between ourselves and a major event, we forget its impact. While I don't need to see a cineplex version of 9/11, I did need to see and learn about Katrina's victims. And in this case...we meet these victims first hand, their emotions raw and reality sitting right beside them. Lee made the right movie at the right time, with the right voice. This should be one of the major highlights in his filmmaking career.

“When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts” will play in it’s entirety on the 1st anniversary of Hurricane Katrina’s landfall on August 29th on HBO. Check your local listings for time.

BrownSuga’s Sweet Spot: A new career goal?

For the past 3 to 4 weeks, I’ve been in a small (well not really…it’s actually kinda big….ok it’s big….really big) transition period. A couple of months ago, I celebrated a year of being in business officially and like I said before that was a time to reflect. Like most CEOs and people in general, I made lots of mistakes my first year. And yes I wanted to believe I would be the exception to the rule and not make any mistakes and become an overnight success…

Did you finish laughing?

What I am trying to do is really learn from them and hope not to make the same mistakes twice. So for the last month or so I’ve done nothing but brainstorm. Create new ideas. Do test cases AND make more mistakes. The logistics of it all isn’t important. Well it’s important to me but not to this blog. But what did cross my mind was for about a month I “switched” careers.

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be lots of things; a chef (still plan to go to culinary arts school), a pilot (still plan to take lessons), the first black woman on the US Supreme Court (I’m still contemplating going to law school) and an astronaut (I no longer want to do that). The one thing I knew I didn’t want to do was be a stay at home mom. Now before anyone jumps down my throat, I have absolutely nothing against those that want to be stay at home moms or stay at home wives. It just wasn’t for me (but then again I never wanted to own my own business either).

But for a little bit of time, I was a stay at home wife. Although I had work to do, it didn’t require me to leave my house. *whispers* some days I didn’t even get out of my pajamas. I got the chance to do what I wanted to do. I slept in till 9:00am. I read about 50 books. I even watched a bit of television. I cooked dinner. I cleaned. I did the laundry (ok it was only once, but I did it). And in the midst of all this, I worked. And I wanted to pull my hair out by day 2.

One night while getting ready for bed, I said to my husband, “I’m going to be a stay at home wife.” He laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed some more.

If you knew me, you’d know why. I don’t know how to stay at home. If we had kids I think it would be completely different. Not saying I’d be a stay at home mom. But it would be different than not having kids.

All this to say, I have a different respect for women (or men) who choose to stay home, just like doctors, I don’t know how one does it. It’s definitely not for me. And after this weekend I’ll completely get back into my business full time. Transition periods are SO helpful. I look forward to them. I can’t wait to see what the next one brings. And like my mom has always told me. Everything is an experience. Enjoy it and know it won’t last forever if you don’t want it to.

L to the Izz-eye, L to the Izz-why

I was comfortably ensconced on my living room floor, laptop open, and the guilty pleasure of the Fox Reality Channel on. As Gershwin wrote, “Summertime...and the livin’ is easy…” I had settled for a night of relaxation, mindless web-surfing, and maybe some writing if inspired. The call came about 10:45 pm. It was Lenny.

“Honey, do you know what H-O-V-A means?”

The pop culture portion of my brain kicked in, “H to the izzo, V to the izzay? That’s Jay-Z, honey. Why?”

The story came out with the background of the bar blaring into the phone as well. Lenny had gone out to a farewell party for an acquaintance of ours who was leaving for college. I passed on the shindig because it wasn’t our normal group we hang with. Apparently the celebrant has a soft spot for Jay-Z and was loading up the bar’s jukebox with his songs. When Lenny ran into another group of friends, the obsession with Jay-Z came up and no one knew the meaning to his mega-hit “Izzo (H.O.V.A.),” hence the call to the “only person who might have the answer,” according to Lenny.

Well – I didn’t know the answer. I know, I know…you’re COMPLETELY disappointed in me! When I hung up with Lenny, I had promised to figure it all out.

With the assistance of Google, I reached out into the internet vapor for the answers. But I began to think about slang terminology and its place in the world. I remember when I was younger, my parents and other adults would cringe whenever we used slang. The lecture was always the same. “How do you expect people to understand what you're saying if you keep using that jungle language?” It wasn’t the first time in history that that particular line was uttered by an authority figure, and I pretty damn sure that it won’t ever cease to exist.

I just wonder what is it about a younger generation’s slang that frightens others/elders?

I’ve heard teachers and debate coaching colleagues complain about how their young people talk to each other nowadays. They usually talk about how it “used to be” and how much better it was back “when I was their age.” I sit back and laugh usually. It’s amazing how age makes you forget!

Back when we were their age, we were doing the same thing! It doesn’t matter when you were born or what era you had grown up in. Youth is and will always be about expression. And language was the easiest form to spread! Not all of it is good, or even respectful…but speaking in the lexicon of your age group was a right of passage. You weren’t a rebellious youth until you had ticked off your parents by using slang!

“So’s your old man” is the 1920’s predecessor to todays “Yo mama.” In the 1960s, you were measured by how much “bread” you made at work, whereas in the 1990s, they wanted to know which “dead presidents” lined your wallet. In the 1980’s one might express unattractiveness as “butt ugly.” Today, elongating the A-sound in the word “damn” will do just fine.

The parallels are endless. See for yourself!

And while all “adults” mumbled about appropriateness when “we were their age,” we rolled our eyes and swore that we’d never turn out like the establishment. So, what happened? Did you forget?

While slang can be annoying, it’s the badge of the coming of age. Grant it, there are times when slang is appropriate (Trash talking at a pick-up game of basketball.) and when it should never be used (Saying to a jury, “Yo peeps, lemme break it down for you like ‘dis” is probably not recommended!). But that difference is something that has to be hashed out with open communication.

Language isn’t perfect, but it’s also ever evolving. But that’s the beauty of it all. Slang is new knowledge being added to the pot. Like I said, it’s nothing to fear – it’s something new to learn! Think of it this way – learn their language, you might have a better understanding of their problems. Or in Lenny’s case, you have a way to scare the crap out of them in the classroom.

You haven’t laughed hard enough until you hear Lenny declare to his students, “Don’t you get all up in my mess.” Oh…the look on their faces is priceless!

And for those of you wondering… H.O.V.A. is another one of Jay-Z’s nicknames. It is also short for “Jehovah.” Yes, THAT JEHOVAH! But before you get all bent out of shape, it is also a term of endearment used for male Jehovah’s Witnesses, i.e. “How goes it, young hova?” When Jay-Z raps the lyric “H to the izzo, V to the izzay,” he’s actually spelling it out. Kind of like Pig Latin or something.

See…learn something new everyday. Now go use it to scare a young person.

Six Pick-Me-Ups

Okay, so last week, I wrote up about ”Five Highly Alarming Things”. Personally, I thought they were timely and funny. Well a fuddy duddy wrote to me and said, “Isn’t it a little negative, Lily?” Well, Mr. Killjoy who left no e-mail address, I made an effort this week to find something to tickle the curiosity of your inner child (Not like THAT you perverts!). And just because I want to make sure everyone is happy…I am listing more pick-me-ups than alarming things. Don’t say that I don’t ever listen to the readership!

1. Chris Sims is on vacation! – Now why in the world would I find joy in one of my favorite Bloggers and all around funny guy not writing all week? Because even at rest, Sims cracks us up with a parade of comic book panels featuring their bread and butter. That would be heroes and villains kicking each other in the face! Yeah, I know it’s kinda violent. But in some sick, twisted, fangirl-ish kinda way, I felt a catharsis of major proportions. Check it out the Invincible Superblog…laugh…breath…feel like you kicked ass!

2. Brownies – The crew at Fairytale Brownies have been cranking out tasty brownie confections since 1992. Founded by two friends who have known each other since grade school, this outfit uses an old family recipe that is the cornerstone to their 2.5 million brownie empire! I’ve been ordering from Fairytale Brownies for years. And let me tell you – I have yet to go wrong when sending it as a gift or serving it up as dessert! Just thinking about them puts a smile on my face! Fairytale Brownies has packages and gifts as low as $15 + shipping and handling. With flavors such as peanut butter, toffee crunch and amaretto, I will be buying for quite a long time!

3. Orisinal – Ahhh…nothing says relaxing like trapping bees in soap bubbles! Get off my back PETA freaks! I’m talking about my favorite online game called “Bubble Bees” from Ferry Hamlin’s website Orisinal. According to the website bio, Hamlin is an animator/artist whose work has appeared in episodes of the Cartoon Network’s “Teen Titans.” The animation and graphics on the website give a warm and welcoming feeling and it gives you a choice of over 50 games that are not only addictive, but very simple fun!

4. Cotton Factory T-shirts – Graphic t-shirts are all the rage today, especially those that look "vintage." These t-shirts also seem to serve as a billboard for a generation that has seen a lot and hopefully has a lot to say. The jokesters at Cotton Factory offer some of the funniest shirts I’ve ever seen, at really great prices (Most shirts start at $10)! They’re cheap, they’re cheesy, but they make sense. More importantly, they make me laugh. I for one cannot wait to buy the shirt that says, "I saved the TriForce." Yeah...commence geeking out!

5. Something Positive – My friend Richie introduced me to the web comic, Something Positive because he said that one of the characters could have been based on me. I choose to believe that Richie thinks PeeJee Shou is like me because “…PeeJee has a reputation for violence and a swift temper, but the truth is she's the most calm of the entire group. She is just easily inspired by those around her…” and not because PeeJee used to be a call center manager. At a phone sex company (I worked in HOTELS! Damn…that sounded bad!). Either way, R.K. Milholland’s creating is nicely drawn and given a wit that bites so hard it leaves an infection. I’m so glad I finally have a chance to catch up with Davan, Aubrey, PeeJee, and the gang!

6. The Travels of Stewart the Wonderbear – Don’t ask. Just read and look at this.

You Ain't No Hollaback Girl...No Really, You Aren't!

Solo or spotlight songs have NOT been good to Black Eyed Peas songstress, Fergie. Last summer, the world was subjected to what had to be the DUMBEST song ever. The masterpiece known as “My Humps” defied conventional taste and logic to become one of 2005’s most popular songs. Apparently, sexual harassment was HOT last year, if the lyrics are to be believed.

Not satisfied to annoy people for only one summer – Fergie is back. I didn’t think it could be possible, but the new tune, “London Bridge” overachieves at being bad. Do you have three minutes and thirty seconds to waste? Perhaps you are a music masochist? Or maybe you’re just really curious to see this car wreck? Well, you can watch it here, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

For the rest of us (a.k.a. “The Sane”), let’s dish about what Lily thinks about this song. Where do I start?! Oh, I know…the supremely insipid lyrics (Warning: I didn’t go “Wal-Mart” on this and sanitize them!):

“All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London wanna go down
Like London London London be going down like…”

I don’t know about you, but my favorite line so far is “I’m such a lady but I’m dancing like a ho.” Note to Fergie: when they talk about “Gentlemen’s Clubs” in England, they are not talking about THOSE kinds of clubs! Instead of a lyrical story, we’re treated to something that’s more of a “lyrical hangover” as Fergie sings about her penchant for Grey Goose, nightclubs, and drawbridges (Will someone PLEASE tell me what euphemism she’s going for with “London Bridge?”)

This is not what I expect from the Black Eyed Peas. I expect something different, cool, and addictively danceable. Where’s the driving beat of “Disco Club?” Where’s the catchiness of “Let’s Get it Started?” Where’s the other worldliness of “Bebot?” Instead of coming up with something that would boost Fergie’s solo career, we got a boring song with a backtrack and vocal that sounds like 5 swans dying. Wait…I take that back…I’d pay to listen to 5 swans dying after this.

What is most shocking is that a member of BEP produced this damn thing! “London Bridge” is the first single off of Fergie’s solo album, “The Dutchess,” which is the first release from the freshly minted Will.I.Am Music Group, headed by who else? Fergie’s BEP band mate and super-producer, Will.I.Am. This should have been a no brainer! Instead, it just has no brains whatsoever.

But what is most unforgivable about this track is the fact that it’s not even original. After getting past the awfulness, my head kept screaming, “This sounds A LOT like ‘Hollaback Girl.’” Bearing down and watching the video again, the similarities were eerie!

1. Gwen has the Harajuku Girls, those wildly dressed, fashion forward entourage accessories. Fergie is backed by two scary looking women in weird clothing, war paint, and faux-hawks who act like her dancing/singing bodyguards.

2. The signature rhythm for “Hollaback Girl” is a drum cadence/horns familiar to marching bands. “London Bridge” has taken those beats and rearranged the notes, hoping you don’t notice.

3. “Hollaback Girl” has Stefani strutting around in outrageous versions of high school cheer or band outfits. Fergie gets down and dirty on an antique table in boy shorts sporting the Union Jack.

Okay – that last one really didn’t fit – but I still think it looks trashy and I had to mention it.

Fergie NEEDS to stick with the guys on BEP. Twice already, she’s shown that her musical tastes are way off. Despite achieving number one status on The Billboard Hot 100 and number one on iTunes’ download list, fans like me are spewing venom for the lack of quality this song possesses.

And while the 650+ words I just wrote should adequately turn you away from this monstrosity, there is a line from a review on iTunes I saw on Saturday (Which sadly has been removed by the Review Nazis over there!) which probably encompasses how I truly feel.

“Nice job pee pants.”

Keep your day job, Fergie. Please.

BrownSuga's Sweet Spot: Take the time to enjoy the morning....

Hey MGF readers! Well I have a lot on my brain and what better outlet to voice it but on this wonderful blog. Now, if you know me then you know I have a tendency to shoot off at the mouth. Sometimes I have so much to say, I'm not extremely clear with saying it. So I have to take an extra minute to gather my thoughts....


So in order for me to do that, this week I leave you with this picture....hopefully it brings a smile to your face. Enjoy

Why I Won't Watch a 9/11 Movie

Okay…get it out of your system. Or perhaps I’ll get it out for you:

“How unpatriotic.”

“What are you, heartless?”

“And you call yourself an American?”

I am patriotic. I consider myself of good heart. And damn it, I am undeniably an American. So, why won’t you find me in the theatre watching “World Trade Center?”

It’s not that I’m scared or emotionally scarred. It’s not that I refuse to believe that 9/11 wasn’t a serious attack on our way of living. It’s not that I don’t believe that people shouldn’t know the details of heroism, cowardice, or the sheer traumatic toll of that fateful day. To me it’s really simple: I not only don’t want to watch a 9/11 movie, I don’t need to watch a 9/11 movie.

You can only imagine the looks I get when I answer people’s questions about the issue. After the perplexed look on their face disappears, the barrage of questions start coming out. I’ve had to defend my point so often, it’s become rote. And yet, my parents, friends, and various bystanders treat me like a curiosity when they hear my answer. To be sure, I am not the only person who refuses to watch a movie regarding the events that surround 9/11, but somehow, they can’t grasp my reasoning why.

While I am sure that Oliver Stone’s ”World Trade Center”and Paul Greengrass’, ”United 93” are probably wonderfully made Hollywood movies – that’s all they are. MOVIES.

I won’t ever stop anyone from watching a flick, but there are just some things that don’t feel right about these movies. Stories are bent to fit a 120-minute timeframe. Many of the people who participated in the successes of that day are sometimes regulated to smaller roles, or worse, an amalgam of various other people. The line between fact and fiction is often blurry. Despite charitable contributions to various charities and foundations – these movies are still made for money. Someone is making profit off of our soft spot for bereavement. With this in mind, it doesn’t feel ethically right for me to sit in my Cineplex with my bucket of popcorn watching a reenactment of this particular historic event.

“But don’t you think it’s important to remember?” a former colleague asked me when she discovered my anti-9/11 movie stance.

Yes, it is of utmost important that we remember the tragedy and honor those who lost their lives either as bystanders, fighters, or rescuers. But, if I have to pay $8-$10 to watch a movie about it, I’ve already placed distance between me and the tragedy. And that’s the worst thing I can do. That means I’ve lost my focus about an event that was life changing.

The fact is, I don’t need Hollywood’s glorified version to tell me how to remember. Real life examples are much more powerful tools to the memory and resolve of human beings.

If I want to remind myself of what’s important about 9/11, I recall how lucky I was to come home on September 8th from a business trip in Canada. If I want to learn about heroism, I read stories like that of David Karnes, the Marine turned accountant who was responsible for finding the two men who’s lives are highlighted in Stone’s movie. If I need a kick in the pants, I walk down over to the desk of my co-worker, Liz. Liz had just had her baby and probably waited an agonizing eternity for her husband, who worked in the Towers, to come home. He called her that morning saying something was happening, but they didn’t know what. Liz told him that she didn’t care what anyone was telling them to do, but he needed to get the hell out of there. Thankfully he listened to her or she’d be one of the countless widows that were made that day.

All these personal and public experiences are all I need to remember what happened. The REAL stories of Will Jimeno and John McLaughlin will always be more meaningful and dramatic than anything a director can put on screen. I refuse to let my knowledge of the day be dictated by a widescreen, partially fictional version. Once the details start getting fuzzy – so does the memory of what really happened on 9/11.

And to dilute what happened might be far more tragic than the actual event.

There is Hope For Tomorrow

I had just finished my workout and was headed out the door to run a few errands, pick-up dinner, and head on home. Lenny was going to be late downtown with a school board meeting, but I really just wanted to get home and relax for a bit. The YMCA was crowded with a mix of hyper kids and haggard adults. It’s the end of the day, near the end of the week and everyone wanted it all just to end. After registering Lenny and me for our fall session dance class, I gathered up my belongings and headed out to the car.

My arms were full: Purse, workout bag, and laptop. Trying to balance all three was a bit taxing and the harried people brushed by me like I was one of the pillars that flanked the room. One particular bump caused me to bobble my laptop. Recovering, I maneuvered to grab my keys out of my purse and push through the double doors.

Head down, I shuffled forward slowly with my load. I was pondering how the heck I was going to get through the doors. I half turned, ready to push the door open with my body – when I actually walked THROUGH the doorway. I paused, wondering if I all of a sudden had some magical powers to mentally open doors when I looked over and saw someone was holding the door for me.

He couldn’t have been more than 8-years old. He was a skinny kid. He had reddish brown hair, freckles, and blue eyes. He was grinning from behind the glass. I nodded to him and said, “Thank you.” What he said next almost knocked me out.

“You’re welcome ma’am. Do you need me to help you carry anything to your car?”

Who is this kid and what planet did he come from?

After a few stunned seconds, I looked at the little boy and said, “No, I think I have it. But thank you for offering.”

“Okay – you have a good day!” And with that, he disappeared back into the lobby.

The whole way to the car, I shook my head, not believing the manners on that kid. When was the last time I met a kid with actual good manners. And with a practical stranger! I didn’t think anyone taught politeness anymore. But it was a pleasant surprise.

As I started my car, my cell phone rang. Picking up the call, I chatted with a friend for a few moments, which turned into 10-minutes. When I finally had hung up, the car had cooled down to a reasonable temperature and I was about to throw it into reverse. As I checked my rearview mirror, who did I see but my young doorman and a professionally dressed woman. They were heading to their car…which happened to be parked next to me.

I thought for a moment, remembering the shock I had felt when he had offered to help. Nodding and making a silent decision, I rolled down my passenger side window.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” The woman turned around and peeked into my window. I could the little boy as he buckled himself into the back seat.

“Yes?”

“I just wanted to thank you.”

“For what?”

“For raising your kid right. We need more thoughtful people like that.”

Before she could say anything else, I smiled, bid her goodbye, and rolled-up my window.

Just when I think this world is going to hell – something like this always happens. It restores my faith in people. We need that shot in the arm every once in awhile, you know?

Thanks again, little buddy. Your mom should be very proud of you!

Five Highly Alarming Things

Have you looked at the world around you and wonder, “Whiskey, tango, foxtrot! What the hell is wrong with this place?” Yeah, I knew you’d feel me. Here’s some stuff that are high on my list this week:

1. Rics Rubber Clogs – O.M. freaking G! These things are EVERYWHERE! And heaven help us, I think they’re ugly as sin.


(Photo courtesy of www.clogsonline.com)

They’re like rabbits, multiplying recklessly and without remorse! I see them at nice restaurants. They’re at my Starbuck’s. It’s walking the mall. To me, it’s a fashion nightmare. I mean…it’s a CLOG. And it’s made of RUBBER. Unless you are a professional gardener or work at a hospital, there is NO reason on this planet Earth why this would be a part of your daily shoe wear. It has “butch fundamental environmentalist” written all over them!

2. Ann Coulter – Okay, this is kind of a “retroactive” bitch item. This past June, the Queen of Conservatism argued with Matt Lauer on Today, that four particular 9/11 widows were milking their status as national symbols of bereavement. In her own words, Ms. Coulter says that she has ”…never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much.” So why am I bringing it up today? Because I actually picked up one of her books at the store recently and read a little bit of it. I’ve come to the conclusion that people like Coulter (and her left wing counterpart, Al Franken) are part of what’s wrong with politics today. It’s all just one big mudslinging gabfest. BORING. There are people dying, fighting, and living real lives while these pundits clamor for airtime. Shut-up already and DO something about it!

3. Bazooka Bubble Gum – So me and my co-workers have to put together a fun team building activity for Friday. Part of that means having to go out and purchase prizes and giveaways. Being on a strict budget, we decided to roll it Old School style and pick up some classic candy as a giveaway: Tootsie Pops and Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum. We got a little sweet tooth craving, so we broke into the gum. WHAT A FREAKING DISAPPOINTMENT! Gone is the classic red, white, and blue wax wrapping. Banished is the little comic wrapped around that tougher-than-rubber-when-you-first-chew-it pink piece of gum. In its place are new flavors (I won’t complain too much – the watermelon did rock) and a hybrid cartoon/wax wrapper. I want my Bazooka Joe back! The always thinking Sunny Treasures recommended I write and complain about the change. You know what? I think I will. And if you love your Bazooka classically dressed…you should too! Stop the modernification of your childhood!

4. Midriffs at work – Are you are a cocktail waitress at a Vegas casino? A physical trainer? A bikini model? No? Well, then MIDRIFFS at work are a big no-no! Keep the belly under wraps! And for Pete’s sake – only flaunt it if you got it! NO MORE MUFFIN TOPS!


(Photo courtesy of www.urbandictionary.com)

5. Alaskan Oil Field Shutdown – An indefinite closure of the Alaskan Pipeline cuts off about 8% of our nation’s oil production. Why? Someone let the pipes rust up. Of course this means that the stock market scrambled and everyone seems to falling short of widespread panic. This has brought out all the “experts” who tut-tut about the economy, the ultra-rabid environmentalists who want to go “Henny Penny” on us because not everyone has hybrid cars yet, and the insane gas station owners who will steadily raise the price of gas due to the “shortage” this is going to create. EVERYONE CALM DOWN…we’re not going to run out of gas today. Or tomorrow. When we get to the point where we seriously think about taking over a Middle East country for their oil fields…

Oh wait. Hm. Nevermind about that last point. Let’s just remember that calmer heads will prevail in the situation – but it might be a good idea to dust off the bicycle just in case!

Don't Care How...I Want it NOW!

“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (not to be confused with that movie where Johnny Depp seems to be channeling Michael Jackson) is one of my favorite movies of all time. What’s not to like? Okay, that acid-trippy portion on the boat…but needless to say, it’s a great flick!

I used to believe that I enjoyed it for all the candy and songs and the Oompa Loompas. But as I grew older, I realized that my like for this children’s classic was far deeper than that. When the truth hit me, I felt guilty at first. I mean – my reasoning was purely selfish! How could I think that way? Then the idea started to sink in. I started to rationalize. And then it all made sense. So, why did I like it so much?

Well, apparently, I enjoy the movie a lot because all those bratty kids get shafted!

Those little self-righteous, whining, sniveling snots! They all annoyed me. Each time they lost a kid I’d be relieved! And while Augustus Gloop, Violet Beauregarde, and Mike Teevee get their comeuppance in pretty comical fashion (And I’d like to point out, no one got killed – they would just be hating life for a few days), my absolute favorite part of the movie is when dear Veruca Salt gets dumped into the factory’s trash incinerator after singing:

“I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em…”

Each and every one of those kids (and yes…Charlie too) shared the one trait that was their downfall. They all possessed this trait long before they got to Wonka’s chocolate factory. It was behavior that was nurtured by each of their parents and only enhanced by finding those precious Golden Tickets. And unfortunately, it’s a flaw that we are increasingly seeing in both children and adults today: Self-entitlement.

Dave White (NO RELATION!) wrote about the culture of entitlement that has sprouted in our society today. In his article “The Manners Revolution Starts Here,” he points to society’s fondness to emulate what celebrities are doing as part of the problem. While it’s good to aspire to be like your favorite celebrity, it also means you aspire to be live like them. However White points out that this dream “is also to aspire to be alpha dog, to be first in line, to not have to pay attention to anyone else’s rules. To do whatever you feel like doing as long as you get your way…it’s a stupid trap and we all fell for it.”

Having worked with teenagers for the better part of ten years now, I can’t agree with White more. As a Speech and Debate coach, I have seen countless kids try to short change themselves in the process of learning public speaking. The result? Talented kids who get pissed off, disappointed, and quit/sulk because “I’m not winning any trophies.” And they expect the trophies just to be handed to them without experience, practice, or even good work ethic. I have had kids tell me that they should have won competitions simply because “I’m just that good.” These are the same kids who get all bent out of shape when we pick our traveling team in January and find themselves without a plane ticket to Boston.

But don’t get all high and mighty, grown-ups. We are just as guilty of the self-entitlement. The modern workplace is a bastion of this behavior. Many work places are no longer cooperatives of teamwork and feel goods. Instead, they are cesspools filled with people so wrapped up in their own supposed talent and insight, they’re willing to undercut, backstab, and undermine others on the road to success.

Not enough examples for you? Let’s take the simpler approach. How many of you have ever worked a job in retail or the service industry? Whether you have or haven’t, you’ll want to check out Mr. Entitlement Dimwit. I think that story says it all.

But regardless of the situation or example, the road to self-entitlement is now well paved and well traveled in today’s society. Gone are the days where hard work was it’s own reward. Humans have the need to get things faster, better, and shinier than before.

It kind of makes you wish you could conjure up a trap door to a trash incinerator for every modern day Veruca you meet, doesn’t it?

BrownSuga's Sweet Spot: Our future's so bright....

When I was growing up in Philly, we always started school the Tuesday after Labor Day. School ended rather late by most people’s standards, but the major point was we always started the same day! Stability, constants and a serious lack of humidity are important in a child’s upbringing.

All this to say that Georgia’s educational system SUCKS! One county’s school system started back for the 2006-2007 school year on July 31^st. J-U-L-Y THIRTY-FIRST! It was 110° that day (and I don’t mean DRY heat). And these kids are expected to get on buses (most without air conditioning) ride to schools where the air conditioning breaks down from overuse. The children in the county I live in started on August 4^th and my best friend’s, who teaches in the neighboring county, kids start this Friday.

Everyone wants to complain about our youth. They have no respect for themselves or their elders, some say. They spend more time worrying about the opposite sex than their grades. Pop culture is more important than politics or their religious morals. When they do try, we laugh at them. We use their hard work as entertainment. As a teacher, we had contests where we would submit the most idiotic homework and test answers from [college] students and compile the top 10 worst (or best I guess that depends on how you look at it) answers for the year. Apparently we weren't the only ones.

Every year right before school starts, teachers submit essays written by obvious overheated and underrelaxed high school students (yea that sounds stupid, but just continue reading). All these students are trying to do is use a common grammatical tactic the best way they know how. They may lack the sophistication of James Joyce, Charles Dickens and Jane Austen but they get their point across. And they make you laugh. This year’s winners for Strange Metaphors…

“His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.”

“She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.”

“He was as tall as a 6-foot-3-inch tree.”

“They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.”

“He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.”

“He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.”

And my two favorites…

“The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.”

“The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.”

And they call our youth uneducated and obtuse. It takes a special mind to come up with those. And just like Whitney said “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” Put your sunglasses on MGF readers, our future looks bright.

Boy Gone Stupid

Joe Francis, the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" empire, is humiliating me. He has my face pressed against the hood of a car, my arms twisted hard behind my back. He's pushing himself against me, shouting: "This is what they did to me in Panama City!"

It's after 3 a.m. and we're in a parking lot on the outskirts of Chicago. Electronic music is buzzing from the nightclub across the street, mixing easily with the laughter of the guys who are watching this, this me-pinned-and-helpless thing.

Francis isn't laughing.

The above is an excerpt from Claire Hoffman’s LA Times article entitled, “Baby, Give Me a Kiss.” I don’t know whose idea this was – whether Hoffman pitched it or whether her bosses asked her to do it – but one thing is for damn sure: She didn’t sign-up for that.

I never really paid much attention to the GGW franchise, or its spawn, “Guys Gone Wild.” I figure that everyone has different triggers, you know? If you’re a young woman who wants to show your tah-tahs…fine. If you’re a guy who wants to spend your hard earned cash on girl’s showing their tah-tahs…more power to you! Sex isn’t a new invention. It is embedded in all civilizations in one way or another. Today, we increasingly push the boundaries of how much sex is involved in our lives.

As they say, sex sells. And boy, do we buy what sex is selling!

So, while I don’t look down at any form of titillation (as long as it’s consensual and doesn’t involve death) that is sold by people like Joe Francis, I do worry about the people behind it. You see, it’s not the smut we should be worrying about – it’s the Smut Seller that worries me.

Hoffman’s article is a perfect illustration of why we should be worried. And to be very blunt – GGW should worry everyone more than the next Jenna Jameson gig! Why? The man behind the power is a hardcore misogynist who gives the good guys a bad name.

While most of the young male population would hail Francis as a hero, I fear that we have a sexual predator running loose. Francis is very seductive in that he has the power, the money, and the aura to talk the talk and walk the walk. But never far from the shadow of his success are the numerous lawsuits and charges of sexual offenses. The LAT piece even chronicles Hoffman’s interview with women who did participate in the GGW shoot she went to in Chicago.

For those of you who will not spend the time reading Hoffman’s article, I’ll sum it up for you: They thought it was a good idea at the time. But after being plied with alcohol and not being listened to when they said “no,” the idea and glamour behind participation quickly faded away.

Francis and his lawyers claim great excuses or point the finger at the legal documents that the girls signed away. But no matter how many legal documents you present in court – the ugly monster that is Francis’ behavior always manages to rear its head. He has an explanation for everything and an accusation for everyone. Hoffman’s editor asked Francis about the Chicago incident, and Francis was quick to blame Hoffman:

"I just felt that Claire may have had a little affinity for me," he says as she takes notes. "It may have come out when she had a few drinks." He describes my behavior as aggressively romantic. "Originally she hit on me. That's how I met her. I took her to a lunch. She called me all the time and it wasn't about work. It was about me. I know when a girl has a crush on me."

If Hoffman had a crush on Francis, that notion was probably quickly erased when she found herself face down on the hood of a car with an inebriated man pressing down upon her. I don’t know about you – but when you are on the receiving end of close fisted blow to the face – you may have been doing something wrong.

As George Michael once sang, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…” but with men like Joe Francis rampant in the adult entertainment industry, sex is still about exploiting power, money, and innocence. It’s not just about the end product, folks. What happens behind the camera is just as important as what happens in front of the camera.

And if what’s happening behind the GGW cameras is true – is it any surprise that sex still has a negative connotation in our society?

MGF Best: Dr. Strangefood, Or How I Learned to Love McDonald's by Fudgesicle Junkie

When I first started talking to FJ -- I knew we were perfectly matched in terms of writing. We knew what we wanted and we knew what we liked. Thus began our Writer/Editor/Sanity Keeper relationship. So, of course he was one of the first people that popped to mind when I started looking for Guest Bloggers. It's just a shame he doesn't write more often. His first effort, was thoughtful and funny. But this well penned rant is quintessential FJ. You read it and go, "That is sooooo you!" This also happens to be one of my favorite posts (mine or otherwise) of all time! Congratulations, FJ! You achieved! - Lily

I’ve lived in England for almost ten years now, but I’m pleased to report that I haven’t picked up the accent. There are, however, some distinctly English words that have wormed their way into my vocabulary. I sometimes say “cheers” instead of thank you. I use the word “brilliant” as an all-purpose adjective. How’s the weather? Brilliant! How are you feeling? Brilliant!

But my favourite has to be “rubbish”. Rubbish is, of course, the English word for garbage. I don’t use it for garbage though. I still call my garbage garbage. I use rubbish where I would have once used the word “shit” to describe shit movies like Supersize Me, which really was a big pile of rubbish. It’s handy, because Supersize Me was all that the chattering classes could talk about for a while, so it was coming up a lot at dinner parties. It helps in that situation to have a comparatively polite word that you can use in mixed company to really rubbish a shit movie (see, it works as a verb too).

If you haven’t seen Supersize Me, you’ve no doubt heard about it. It is a documentary that follows Morgan Spurlock as he tries to prove how unhealthy McDonalds is by eating nothing else for 30 days. Sure enough, over the course of the film we see his health rapidly deteriorate to the point that doctors issue dire warnings about liver damage and death.

“Two thumbs up,” said Ebert & Roeper (as if Roger Ebert hasn’t enjoyed the odd Big Mac or two … or three … per day).

“A necessary wake-up call for both adults and children."

“Your life depends on seeing this movie."

“A social document of such importance that it should be required viewing in schools."

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Demonstrating that eating only McDonalds for a month causes ill-health is about as significant a scientific discovery as proof that inhaling water causes drowning. Was that the “necessary wake-up call” we were waiting for? McDonalds is unhealthy? I’m hitting the snooze and going back to bed. Somebody wake me when the world has smartened up.

Morgan Spurlock strikes me as the type of loser who would sit next to you in the sauna and complain about the heat. There is nothing remotely entertaining about Supersize Me, unless you enjoy the spectacle of a man systematically wrecking his health in a masochistic display of the bleeding obvious. Was there ever any doubt? Was there any suspense at all? Was anybody, anywhere thinking, “hmmm, this seems like an interesting experiment. I wonder what’ll happen?”

Even if you were daft enough to think that McDonalds might somehow come out of this rolling in clover, any such illusions were shattered the first time you were told that Spurlock’s girlfriend was a vegan chef. There is no way that McDonalds is going to get a fair shake out of a documentary when the director is shacked up with a militant, granola-eating wholemeal breadhead.

Not that I have anything against vegans, mind you. If you get your kicks from alfalfa sprouts, who am I to complain? What I object to is that rising band of proselytising, evangelical health food advocates, with suspect degrees from Happy Clappy University, who have turned my morning breakfast into a chilling game of Russian Roulette.

Wholemeal toast?
Glass of milk?
Oat bran cereal?
Scrambled egg? You're dead! A fucking egg!? You must be crazy!

I actually do believe there is a place for documentaries that relay important truths about the food we eat. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver recently aired Jamie’s School Dinners, in which he went behind the scenes at English public schools to reveal that children were being fed a daily diet of recycled pub snacks. That was something we needed to now. When you send your kid to public school, you expect him to come home hooked on phonics, not on pork scratchings.

What great truth did Spurlock uncover? That McDonalds is fattening? I already knew that! And I didn’t have to subject myself to a life threatening experiment to figure it out. That’s how clever I am. I pretty much guessed it the first time somebody charged me 99¢ for a quarter-pound of beef served in less than 30 seconds. Nothing served that quickly and that cheap is ever going to be good for you, is it?

And that’s all I really want from my McDonalds: fast and cheap. That’s what it’s for. You’d think all the hippie druids would appreciate it too. It leaves them all with more time and money to spend hanging out in the Brazilian rainforest having tantric sex with Sting.

But no. Thanks to movies like Supersize Me, it has become the most vilified corporation in the world. Every anti-globalisation gathering now ends with a peace-loving mob of drippy liberals lobbing a park bench through the window of the nearest McDonalds. If there isn’t one nearby, they will re-route the march just to find it. We used to go to San Francisco with flowers in our hair. But now a protest just ain’t a protest unless McDonalds gets a right pasting.

McDonalds, admittedly, can be accused of many things, but I don’t think the Iraq War is one of them. Yet anti-war protesters in London even trashed the McDonalds on Whitehall, which is just up the road from the Prime Minister’s house. The police in London, these days, will shoot you for wearing long sleeves in July, so no one is crazy enough to vandalise 10 Downing Street. Instead, those cuddly doves – so incensed by the needless slaughter of the innocent – turned their sanctimonious rage on a poor, defenceless McDonalds. Come to think of it, there’s a health benefit that Spurlock failed to mention – McDonalds’ staff will not shoot you: FACT.

Here’s another one: McDonalds will let you use their bathroom without making you buy anything. Anyone who doesn’t recognise that as a major health benefit has never been stuck on the streets of Paris or Rome or Beijing or New York in urgent need of a whizz. Caught in that predicament, you’d sing hosannas at the sight of a giant yellow M. A McDonalds bathroom isn’t especially luxurious either, but compared to the public facilities in Paris, it’s a five-star health spa. In London, Her Majesty’s lavatories are decked out with blacklights that make your teeth glow and give the décor that eerie feel of an 80’s nightclub. I am told that this makes it impossible for intravenous drug users to find their veins. Lovely. Thankfully, you don’t get that at McDonalds. Heroin addicts hate McDonalds. Too unhealthy.

Fast, cheap and free bathrooms with no syringes – I would die for that restaurant!

If we really must go on these anti-fast-food witch hunts, couldn’t we at least pick on someone more deserving of our bile? You know who I’m talking about. That Colonel Sanders needs to be dunked in a giant vat of grease and fat. How can we condemn McDonalds while this wicked dealer of Death In A Bucket carries on like some loveable southern gent? So vile is the very atmosphere inside Kentucky Fried Chicken that when I have the misfortune of being in one, I half-expect Charlton Heston to come barging in after me screaming “popcorn chicken is people! Popcorn chicken is people!”

In fact, I’d like to see Morgan Spurlock do a sequel where he only eats KFC for a month. He’ll be dead before the premiere. Kentucky Fried Chicken? Rubbish!

MGF Best: Unique Reasons to Celebrate with Alcohol

Ahh List Week! Good times! The best thing about List Week? The fact that I got to collaborate with the MGF Girls on this list. We are NOWHERE near being alcoholics -- most of our drink limits stop at two (Witness Lily’s birthday adventure) -- and being stupid drunk doesn't appeal to us. So, as with most things said about alcohol, take it with caution and a grain of salt...so what if it's on the rim of a margarita glass? - Lily

1. My pet got fixed: You know how people say kids are expensive? Well, so can extra pets. Your sweet little, docile Kitty Kitty/Fido has one night of heated passion with the neighborhood stray and a few months later you’re responsible for six mouths to feed. Nip the problem in the bud (pun intended) and then crack open a beer while your precious pet recovers.

2. I just signed my divorce papers: Forget the bachelorette party…FREEDOM PARTIES ROCK! Don’t believe us? What gets bigger play, 4th of July or Flag Day? For newly independent MGF, it’s a time to get rid of the dead weight, guilt, etc. And time to rediscover your wild partying side. This is all assuming of course that he was a shit heel to begin with. You wouldn’t break up with your soul mate, would you?

3. Daylight Savings/Arbor Day/Summer Solstice/Columbus Day: If we celebrate secular and religious holidays like Easter and Memorial Day…we have to celebrate them ALL! They’re just as important. Daylight Savings gives us more…DAYLIGHT! Arbor Day is all about the trees, without which our other drunken compatriots would have nothing to lean on as they heave the contents of their stomachs out. And really, we need to celebrate Columbus’ can-do attitude because it brought him to this great land of ours!

4. I made it through the day without punching someone in the stomach: BrownSuga has made it a rule, a tradition if you will, of NOT drinking when someone wears a t-shirt that says "Punch Me!" so as long as she doesn’t see that t-shirt, BOTTOMS UP!

5. I worked out for the fourth day in a row: Every gym-freak worth their weight knows motivating yourself to workout more than three times a week is a challenge. Getting to our local gym for a FOURTH day constitutes a BONUS day! That means we overachieved! Margaritas for everyone!

6. I found my favorite non-alcoholic mixer: Well considering it’s non-alcoholic and it’s a mixer…what better reason to drink? It’s called a mixer for a reason. Add alcohol and it’s an instant party. Take cranberry juice for instance. Mix in some Stoli or Grey Goose, add a twist of lime and you’re ready to roll. Plus cranberries are an antioxidant. *grins*

7. We survived downtown traffic/didn’t have to cuss anyone out: Orchid, Lily and BrownSuga all live or have lived in busy urban cities, trust me when we say traffic’s a bitch! If we can get through one day without having to cuss out a fellow driver it’s akin to a miracle. Even if we haven’t had to curse at other drivers, by the time we get into the doors of our respective residences, we need a drink just to de-stress from the chaos of bumper to bumper craziness, construction and the psycho that just cut us off as we were turning onto our block.

8. My loved ones didn’t annoy me today: We all love our significant others, spouses, and family. But grant us the patience after a long day not to pummel them with a blunt object. Navigating that first five minutes home (when you’re just dying to say “Calgon, take me away….!”) where everyone and anyone wants your attention and focus takes skill, finesse, and the ability to keep from screaming in their faces. When done correctly…how can you deny yourself that glass of Shiraz?

9. Because the sun rose in the east and set in the west: We all want a bit of stability in our lives. And everyone has been told to be thankful. So this is how to be thankful to the stability of our most powerful light source. *sings* The best part of waking up is alcohol in your cup!

10. We remembered to eat dinner: As MGFs we’re so busy there are days (lots of them) when we forget to eat a well balanced diet. All of us have skipped a meal or two while trying to juggle our various roles in life. It's called "role overload" folks if you want the sociological term for it. Bottom line is if you can remember to eat dinner at a reasonable time on top of everything else you are doing then you deserve a glass of Merlot or Chardonnay with your meal. Plus even the doctors recommend drinking a glass of wine a day. Don't argue with the medical profession…4 out of 5 doctors agree.

11. I outsmarted a guy: You know…this really isn’t a good idea. We do it so often; we’re bound to become alcoholics. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? We dedicated a whole list yesterday as to why we love you! Let us have this point, dammit!

12. My allergies didn’t act up: Anyone who’s had to be dependent on Flonase, Allegra, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Claratin, Visine, Singular, or any one of a host of allergy medications knows one universal truth: YOU CAN’T DRINK MALIBU WHILE ON THE DRUGS! Or at the very least it’s not recommended (Orchid can tell you from experience…it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be). So, when the hay fever and the watery eyes let you loose for a day…enjoy it!

13. My TiVo remembered to record: As stated above we are BUSY people! I mean we have to get up, get dressed, actually GO TO WORK, listen to our significant others tell a corny joke or we listen to our children beg for the new toy out. Who has time to watch McDreamy flirt with Merideth, or if the Naked Chef will actually make today the day he really goes naked, so we're are EXTREMELY grateful to the wonderful little T.V. man inside the TiVo recording and remembering and making sure we're up to date on the latest with the Charlie/ Denise divorce or the haps with Tom, Katie and Suri....I don't know about you but "Raise your glasses to the greatest invention since Yahoo, TIVO TIVO TIVO!"

14. It’s time to defrag your hard drive: A good techie MGF knows regular maintenance of your hardware is important to the longevity of your computer. Without your computer, you life pretty much stops (OMG! How am I going to get my e-mail?!). However, defragging computer takes FOREVER! Hours are wasted watching the little time bar move a long. Well, if you have to sit there, might as well have some Cabo on hand! It certainly will make the time fly. And after you wake up from your drunken stupor, defragging is DONE!

15. Do we really need these reasons?

MGF Best: You Say Spring Roll, I Say Lumpia

Personally -- this is one of my top five favorites of my own work. As a writer, I'm always looking around me for things to write about. It kind of annoys some people around me, but hey...you have to take it where you can get it. I distinctly remember how the idea just rolled out and snowballed onto my page! Tonight, I post it again...partly because I loved writing it so much and partly because I just watched the news. We need something to calm the craziness in this world, don't you think? - Lily

It was a rare weekend. Speech and Debate season was FINALLY over! Lenny and I could actually lounge about and do nothing for two days. For Lenny, that meant lots of reading and napping. My boy works real hard, so I really couldn’t begrudge him that. It just meant that I could spend the whole weekend working on writing projects and catching up on some television. Parked in front of the TV with my laptop, I caught up on the one of the very very few reality shows I wish I had time for: Bravo’s “Top Chef.”

“Top Chef” follows the same format as the other Bravo smash “Project Runway” (another television addiction of mine). Twelve aspiring chefs go after a $100,000 prize in the hopes of becoming then next big thing in the culinary world. As with all reality shows, they have the obvious talent (Woo hoo Harold and Tiffani!), the underdog (Go Andrea! Go Dave!), and the resident evil (Stephen, get off your high horse!). But the main attraction each week, are the challenges.

On this very special episode, the remaining chefs were paired up. The challenge was to fuse two ethnic cuisines into a “street food” that they would be testing in San Francisco’s Mission District. While watching the future culinary rock stars, I got to thinking about the fusion portion of the competition. The one common theme in the fusion was Latin flavors. It was then combined with Chinese, Japanese, Moroccan, or Indian flavors. The outcomes seemed really flavorful. A Cuban sandwich with Moroccan BBQ pork. A handful sized sopa piled high with Chinese textures. It certainly made my tummy grumble.

But it also made my mind start to turn. I think it was the Latin-Indian burrito. Sure, they used a tortilla. They replaced salsa with mango chutney. Jasmine rice instead of Spanish rice. So, it kind of hit me: As much as we try to make to SAY we’re too different to get along…we sure do have a lot in common. And it starts at the dinner table.

Bear with me on this, please! As proud as I am about being Filipino, I recognize that our vaunted lumpia is just another version of a Chinese spring roll or even a cousin to the Mexican flauta. It may be called polenta in Italy, but it’s called grits in the Southern parts of the U.S. Falafal? Looks like a hush puppy to me! And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t moo shu just a do-it-yourself burrito?

Look, everyone’s has to eat. It’s a universal truth. By my examination, the only thing that makes food different from each other is the tastes. Whether you call is pita, tortilla, or sourdough…its still bread. And that’s basically what people are all about too. We’re all different flavors and textures. But we’re all human just the same. So if we eat pansit (rice noodles, vegetables, and sometimes chicken) on my table, and Fudgesicle Junkie eats pasta primavera (pasta noodles, vegetables, and sometimes chicken) on his table, why do we treat each other so differently?

I know it seems all so easy and simple-minded, right? But is it an accident that the Jews eat the sweet treat Hamantaschen, while their Palestinian “enemies” savor the dessert Mutabak. Here are two groups of people who are willing to blow each other over territory rather than share. But they eat the same type of dessert snacks! Call me simple (Hi, Simple Lily!), but that kind of hate seems useless in light of some good cookies.

We’re so divided as different societies. But why? Sometimes I think our politicians are bound and determined to keep us separated. They tell us that even our friends might be our enemies. And while there are real dangers out there (Let’s face facts…a good quiche recipe is not going to fix this whole business with Bin Laden), starting out fixing smaller problems might help things along a little faster.

Maybe if we concentrated on sharing our food, maybe we wouldn’t be so angry with each other. If we pulled up a chair to the table, rather than pull up a gun, perhaps some misunderstandings wouldn’t look so huge! Food Diplomacy could probably take care of everything. Instead of trading arms, why not trade recipes for leg of lamb?

It makes perfectly good sense. Food is our unifier. It draws us together. As Orchid says, “What’s the biggest draw at any party or reception?” It sure isn’t the Electric Slide (well, except maybe at a Filipino-American gathering). It certainly is the food. Instead of concentrating on how different we are, let’s share and celebrate how much we have in common! The world can be like a huge dinner table if we want it to be. And, really…who wants to eat alone?

MGF Best: The Missed Education of Lily White

You know, reading through all your old posts is hard work, LOL! But, it's also cool to look back and see where your mind was at the time. I got a lot of reaction from some family when I posted this one. Going against the status quo is hard to do...but as BrownSuga told me when she submitted her picks, "People need to realize successful people come in all shapes colors sizes and with different educational and lifestyle backgrounds." To each, their own, people! - Lily

Q: What do Peter Jennings, Sally Field, John Glenn, Steve Jobs, and your very own Lily White have in common?

A: None of them have college degrees.

It’s not a shameful secret. It’s just not something that I share right away. It’s almost like a surprise, actually. When people talk to me, they simply just assume things about me. I enjoy talking about books, history, movies, sports and music. My friends (both online and in real life) generally say their first impression of me is that of a smart and quick-witted person. I hang out with a lot of teachers and professors thanks to my husband and my position as a Speech and Debate coach. Education has always been a part of my life in one form or another.

This is why it’s such a shock to some people – and disappointment to others – that I don’t have a college degree. But you know what? I don’t quite see what the problem is. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who look down on this sort of thing. It’s almost like the degree is a piece of currency. If you don’t have it, you don’t have spending power.

Not that I didn’t try. When I moved here to the southwest, I had every intention of completing the degree I had started two years before. I had decided that I wanted to get my Bachelor’s in education, following my Grandmother’s footsteps. However, fate was a little rough. I couldn’t afford to go to school and work at the same time. So, in a decision made solely on my own, I went into the work force full time and waited for Lenny to complete his education.

Let’s get one thing straight first – I AM NOT AGAINST COLLEGE EDUCATION. I work with teenagers and I encourage them to continue their schooling. There are definite advantages to having at least a Bachelor’s degree. In the career world, every little bit counts. What I rail against however, are the people who believe that the degree is the end all and be all to be successful. Or even worse, people who lament the fact that they don’t have their degree but refuse to do ANYTHING with their lives.

Lenny and I have a friend. She is a very bright person and by all means should be successful. Like me, she doesn’t have her college degree. Over the course of the last five years, she’s started and stalled trying to get on track. I commend her for this because it’s not easy to balance work and school at the same time (a decision I came to a long time ago). However, it is difficult to be a cheerleader to someone who lives and dies tragically whenever someone in our circle advances again in education.

There was a stretch of three years where various friends finished their college educations. Each time someone did, I had to listen to our friend lament how she felt “left behind” or how there would be “no one to share the experience with when she finally gets her degree.” In the meantime, the girl was making money hand over fist with a large corporation who offered wonderful employee benefits. When I suggested she see what she could do to advance in this company, her response was that it was only a temporary job. Her “real” job would come after she gets her degree.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see not having a diploma as a handicap. As my opening question shows, there are a lot of people out there who succeed without the degree. It just really depends on what you want to do with your life. Are you going to sit there and let it come at you or are you going to get up and make yourself indispensable?

Employers nowadays do value experience as well as education. Looking at the two careers that dominate my resume, I have experience that a new college graduate would kill for. When I enter a job, I don’t want to just sit around. I want to learn. I guess in essence, I make my job a college classroom. I had no clue how the hotel industry worked when I landed my first job. But I learned everything I could and as quickly as I could. I burned a quick path to advancement. When I got laid off, I had to start all over again in banking. Applying what I learned on my previous job, I brought a unique spin to my new department. Now, I’m happily working away (and nicely compensated) in a division I help build.

My luck can’t last forever. I do want to get my degree and I intend on getting it someday. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. The degree is just a small part of the plan. Without the want to succeed, that piece of paper is worthless. And I want it to mean something. I don’t want to graduate because someone told me I had to. I want to complete my education because the one person who has to live with that decision WANTS to.

And that person is me.